Nervous about my son's new relationship with a girl with a toddler.

[BG2015]

My son is 26, he has a great job and earns a decent amount of money (particularly for the area we live in) he's desperately trying to save a deposit for a house now and begin to think about moving out. He lives with his dad as it's easier regarding where he works.( His dad and I are both in new relationships and are on friendly terms. )

He split up with his girlfriend of 5 years last year which we were all sad about but it was his first serious relationship and it had run its course. He had some counselling over the break up and was depressed for a while. I admired how he dealt with it though and by Christmas he was in a much better place. He's quite an emotionally intelligent person but a bit naive sometimes. He started going out more with his friends and has been planning a trip to Thailand for the end of the summer.

He's now met a girl ( via a dating app) who is the same age as him and has a 14 month old son. She lives about 15 miles away. None of us have met her yet but he's really taken with her. She doesn't currently work but managed a nursery before she had her son. The babies dad isn't on the scene at all and she gets some support from her parents and older sister but from what I can gather it's not consistent.

He's eager for me to meet her and says she's a great person, an amazing mum and loving and kind.

I knew that because he was approaching his late 20's the chances of him meeting someone with children would increase. We don't have any young children or babies in our family so he has limited experience with this.

I want him to be happy but this changes everything in his life if the relationship progresses. His dad and I have both talked to him gently about how limiting a new relationship with a child can be and to think long and hard about it all but he's a man in the throes of a new relationship so a lot of it went on deaf ears - I know that feeling!

I also know that this could be an amazing thing, it could work out and they could live happily ever after.

But I'm just wary and a little bit concerned. I may feel better once I meet her. It may not even last.

Anyone got experience of this please? I just want him to be happy and will support him always.

And this is what you bring to the thread?

Appreciate this is complicated but do take a minute to be proud of how you’ve raised a son with such an open heart and ability to commit with maturity. Well done.

Love this update.

They went on a caravan holiday this week to Wales. Arrived on Monday and by Tuesday morning were in A & E with the toddler. He had food poisoning and was dehydrated so admitted and put on a drip. They were eventually discharged yesterday and should have left to go home today but extended their holiday for a few more days.

My DS FaceTimed me this morning and we had a chat, his GF was chatting too and complimented me on raising an amazing man! 🥰 she said DS had been amazing over the past 3 days whilst they were stuck in hospital (very, very proud mum).

I am blown away by how he is handling all of this. He's even letting mum have an extra hour in bed whilst he sorts the toddler out - nappy change & breakfast.

Who is this person? 😂 I remember a totally different person who used to live with me. 🥰

@BG2015 He sounds like he will be an amazing stepdad; you must be rightly proud!
My husband is also a lovely stepdad (to my two older children) and it is so nice to hear of good men like this, as often stepparents are painted in nothing but a negative light.
Shout out to all of the amazing step-parents who absolutely step up! ❤️

At least he's done those things, had those experiences, it would be worse if he hadn't. He's young still but may now be more ready to settle.

Waiting for the people horrified that she is letting a man who isn’t the toddlers dad or grandad change the nappy…………

You have obviously raised a fantastic son OP and I applaud you. We read so many depressing posts on here of men and their behaviour that this makes me smile so much. I did sympathise with your original post as I am a mother to adult daughters and am guilty of overthinking every aspect of their lives…family to me is everything and I’m so pleased for you.

From what you’ve said she was doing just fine by herself and so was he. Now they can do just fine together.

Believe me, he only does it when it's absolutely necessary 😂 he's resisted it for so long. Don't think he will jump at the chance if there's an alternative (eg mum does it).

Your son's new girlfriend managed a nursery before she had her son - that tells me she knows how to run a business and cares about children. She's a new mum without a support system. Once the child is old enough to be in a school then I reckon she will be able to get on with being in work again. Whatever financial commitment your son wishes to cover in his relationship with her should not be your concern. Your comment about hoping she doesn't see him as a financial get out seems harsh, unfair and unfounded considering you've never met her or know anything about her and you're basing this purely on assumptions.

You mention your son did all this travelling with previous girlfriend and he wont get to do that with this one. Have you considered he might be in a place where he wants to settle down ? Maybe he wants a woman willing to have children and isn't hyper focused on a career- because many women are choosing not to have kids these days and instead focus on their career.

I never had any of my own and I make double what my husband does. I am a step mum thanks to my husband having children before he met me. Being in a relationship and having a child in the picture doesn't mean he will never use his passport again. Before I met my husband I never had the joys of staying in a euro camp but we go every summer now and they love the freedom and we enjoy the peace. Someday we will get to go on our grown up holidays again. We will both survive until then.

You mention your son is trying to save for a deposit. Lets put it this way, the weekends in London and the trips to Bali were not helping that situation and your son has a girlfriend who's idea of a night out is probably a night in with a takeaway and a movie. Maybe a meal out the three of them. Much less expensive partnership.

Your son is a grown man with a career and sounds like he has a pretty good head on his shoulders. Let him make his own choices and stop worrying so much. You should also consider that its time stop asking so many personal questions about your son's private life and trying to be so involved in his decisions.

@Pherian have you not read my update? Classic case of someone not reading the whole thread.

Where you admitted you were wrong etc... yeah I saw it. I don't buy it though. You like her right now but that could change.

I stand by this - Let him make his own choices and stop worrying so much. You should also consider that its time stop asking so many personal questions about your son's private life and trying to be so involved in his decisions.

Because it actually doesn't matter what you think of her at all.

All the Best.