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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Nervous about my son's new relationship with a girl with a toddler.

94 replies

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:07

My son is 26, he has a great job and earns a decent amount of money (particularly for the area we live in) he's desperately trying to save a deposit for a house now and begin to think about moving out. He lives with his dad as it's easier regarding where he works.( His dad and I are both in new relationships and are on friendly terms. )

He split up with his girlfriend of 5 years last year which we were all sad about but it was his first serious relationship and it had run its course. He had some counselling over the break up and was depressed for a while. I admired how he dealt with it though and by Christmas he was in a much better place. He's quite an emotionally intelligent person but a bit naive sometimes. He started going out more with his friends and has been planning a trip to Thailand for the end of the summer.

He's now met a girl ( via a dating app) who is the same age as him and has a 14 month old son. She lives about 15 miles away. None of us have met her yet but he's really taken with her. She doesn't currently work but managed a nursery before she had her son. The babies dad isn't on the scene at all and she gets some support from her parents and older sister but from what I can gather it's not consistent.

He's eager for me to meet her and says she's a great person, an amazing mum and loving and kind.

I knew that because he was approaching his late 20's the chances of him meeting someone with children would increase. We don't have any young children or babies in our family so he has limited experience with this.

I want him to be happy but this changes everything in his life if the relationship progresses. His dad and I have both talked to him gently about how limiting a new relationship with a child can be and to think long and hard about it all but he's a man in the throes of a new relationship so a lot of it went on deaf ears - I know that feeling!

I also know that this could be an amazing thing, it could work out and they could live happily ever after.

But I'm just wary and a little bit concerned. I may feel better once I meet her. It may not even last.

Anyone got experience of this please? I just want him to be happy and will support him always.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 02/04/2026 01:05

Yes there is a way to raise concerns and put a line in the sand saying what you will accept or not as in 'they are not moving in here" (unless you hare happy too) or think of you money any protected it in case things go wrong, say it all BUT then leave it up to him from that point on

if it all goes wrong and he has a child with her then what? but is it fair on her current child to have him around?

Original poster
BG2015 · 02/04/2026 11:31

So, to clarify, my son doesn't live with me, he lives with his dad. I haven't seen my DS since Mother's Day and have only communicated with him via text. I've said NOTHING negative to him at all about his situation and have remained open and positive throughout ALL texts.

He has known this woman for aMONTH, and because of the nature of his job he has chunks of time where he's not at work (4 days on, 4 days off type of thing). He spent his last 4 days off with her and her son. My ex husband hasn't seen much of him. When he's not at work he's with her.

She has told him that it's not worth it for her to work so she's claiming benefits. She doesn't own a car or drive.

Her parents aren't together and neither live close enough by to be a regular support. Her only support is her sister. Her father actually lives 3 hours away.

Most of the information I'm getting is from my ex husband and my other son (who lives with me).

When I met my current partner, my boys (who were early teens at the time ) didn't meet him for 3 months and we didn't live together until we'd known each for 15 months. We got to know each other away from any distractions of children. My DS isn't doing that.

My ex husband and I have agreed that we need to meet this woman asap as our imaginations are making us think the worst and she may be a lovely person. At the moment we are both thinking she's seen a kind, thoughtful man who's generous with his time and money and she's rubbing her hands together. We may be completely wrong.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/04/2026 11:37

Be positive; or at the least be neutral.

He is an adult now - step back. I understand that we never stop wanting the best for them, but their best might look different from ours!

I held my breath with some of my adult children's choices - we just have to trust them and hope.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 11:44

Single mums can be great partners.she has stable housing he could maybe move into, he already has a trial to see if she is a good mum and whatever skills she has now she’ll be even better in the future when she has a supportive partner. Your potential future grandkids will have a big sibling to always love and care for them and teach them things and defend them from bullies. This is a lovely opportunity for him.
much better in many ways then meeting someone who drinks and goes clubbing and wants him to buy her a house etc

caringcarer · 02/04/2026 11:46

If my parent in-laws had misgivings about me they never told me and always welcomed me warmly. I was 4 years older than their son and going through a horrible divorce. I had 3 DC. My eldest DD was at uni but I had 2 DS with ADHD. The youngest was 7. My future in-laws not only welcomed me but my DC too. After we married they had DS's for a weeks holiday every summer so DH and I got to go away alone for a week. They also came with us on family holidays and enjoyed spending time especially with you gest DS. My DC are all grown up now but both DS's regularly drive 30 miles and over 150 miles to visit their Nan who is 85 now and her husband dead. Be welcoming to new gf and her ds because they may become your Dil and DGC.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 11:48

Ps I do agree with you it’s a bit dodgy having him around the child so soon but at that age they have no idea what’s going on it’s just another friend visiting. I had no problem with my son meeting a boyfriend when he was that age but now he’s three and has a sense of the world and gets attached to people and asks after them I wouldn’t introduce him to anyone especially not in our home, maybe out at the park after a few months. It’s hard to date like this though which is why i don’t date had have been celebate for nearly two years!

Lomonald · 02/04/2026 12:57

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

He has experienced things though maybe he is after a different kind of relationship, he doesn't have to go on holiday abroad to be happy, give the young woman a chance before you think she is going to.ruin your sons life.

bigboykitty · 02/04/2026 13:25

My ex husband and I have agreed that we need to meet this woman asap as our imaginations are making us think the worst and she may be a lovely person. At the moment we are both thinking she's seen a kind, thoughtful man who's generous with his time and money and she's rubbing her hands together. We may be completely wrong.

@BG2015 if you approach the situation in this way, I think you will be heading towards no contact very rapidly. You cannot screen your son's girlfriend and they would be wise not to subject themselves to this behaviour.

Mischance · 02/04/2026 14:00

Bit of pre-judging going on here! Not wise...

Mischance · 02/04/2026 14:03

My nephew is with a woman who already had a child and they now have one of their own. They are a happy little family and I am very glad my sister (nephew's mother) was more welcoming.

He was similar age to your son when they got together, possibly younger.

Nettie1964 · 02/04/2026 19:21

He is a man. You can meet her dhe might be lovely she might not. Either way there is nothing upu can say if upu are mean he is in the begining of a new love. He might hate you. I wouldn't worry too much.

Needmotivationnnnn · 02/04/2026 19:38

BG2015 · 02/04/2026 11:31

So, to clarify, my son doesn't live with me, he lives with his dad. I haven't seen my DS since Mother's Day and have only communicated with him via text. I've said NOTHING negative to him at all about his situation and have remained open and positive throughout ALL texts.

He has known this woman for aMONTH, and because of the nature of his job he has chunks of time where he's not at work (4 days on, 4 days off type of thing). He spent his last 4 days off with her and her son. My ex husband hasn't seen much of him. When he's not at work he's with her.

She has told him that it's not worth it for her to work so she's claiming benefits. She doesn't own a car or drive.

Her parents aren't together and neither live close enough by to be a regular support. Her only support is her sister. Her father actually lives 3 hours away.

Most of the information I'm getting is from my ex husband and my other son (who lives with me).

When I met my current partner, my boys (who were early teens at the time ) didn't meet him for 3 months and we didn't live together until we'd known each for 15 months. We got to know each other away from any distractions of children. My DS isn't doing that.

My ex husband and I have agreed that we need to meet this woman asap as our imaginations are making us think the worst and she may be a lovely person. At the moment we are both thinking she's seen a kind, thoughtful man who's generous with his time and money and she's rubbing her hands together. We may be completely wrong.

Edited

When I met my current partner, my boys (who were early teens at the time ) didn't meet him for 3 months and we didn't live together until we'd known each for 15 months. We got to know each other away from any distractions of children. My DS isn't doing that

I personally wouldn't be introducing any man to my young child but I don't know why you think your situation is superior. You introduced a man you'd known for 3 months to your teenage boys and moved him in 15 months later 🤔.

That is absolutely crazy.

Original poster
BG2015 · 02/04/2026 19:53

Thanks for all the supportive and understanding comments and for people kindly sharing their experiences, it's good to get different perspectives.

Im going to bow out of this thread now.

OP posts:
Twinmum0822 · 02/04/2026 20:09

I was a 30 yo single mum of 2 when I got with my fiancée. He was 22. His mum hated me for years and it caused so many issues. We have been together 10 years now and have 4 year old twins. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. He’s 26, he’s not really young. Even if my 19 yo son met a girl with a child I would try and be open minded. If you don’t try to accept this girl AND her child you could be setting yourself up to fail.

Cosyreader1 · 02/04/2026 20:20

This makes me quite sad to read. I'm in my 30's and have recently become a single mum to a 15 month old. I have a very good job, own my own home and am extremely independent. Whilst you're right - having a small child does massively change your life - and i do understand some of your reservations, I'd be sad to think this was how someone saw me. Being a single parent is hard and lonely at times.

StMarie4me · 02/04/2026 20:27

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

His Ex, you mean?

Please don’t sit and make these comparisons. Leave your adult son to make his adult choices and be happy for him. You’ll put barriers up if you do anything else.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 03/04/2026 04:02

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

And? He's nearing his 30s, he's traveled, seen the world. This is what he obviously wants to be doing at his stage of life. Most people start settling down after 25.

Stnam · 03/04/2026 04:52

It isn't as if he won't notice what it is like to have a toddler around. He will either decide that he is happy with it, or he will get fed up and end the relationship.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 03/04/2026 05:11

I agree with OP in that it's a bit of a red flag that the mother is not working in order to support her child. Even if part-time.
I became a single mum when my children were both young (one before school age) and I worked hard to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. I would never have dreamed of trotting out the line that it "wasn't worth me working."
So when I did meet my now husband years later (he had no children), I made it very clear from the start that I wasn't looking for a man to support us financially as I was already doing that myself (and quite rightly so).
Also, my now husband was the only man my children ever met apart from their dad as it was important for me to keep dating separate until I was as sure I could be that the relationship had legs. My children needed security that this new person wasn't going to be in their lives and then out before they knew it.
This doesn't seem to be the case here which again I'd be a little wary of.

LarryStylinson · 03/04/2026 05:26

newornotnew · 01/04/2026 16:18

He's a 26 year old man, she's a 26 year old woman.

I think you have to keep an open mind because they're not kids and they might be a good match.

This
The original post is pretty infantilising. I genuinely expected it to be about 18/19 year olds

SardinesOnButteredToast · 03/04/2026 05:41

When I met my husband, I had a 2 year old. My usually pretty lovely mother-in-law in law told me, about two years after we'd married, that 'as a mother you always hope they'll meet someone without children'. We've been married towards 25 years now and I've never forgotten it.

greengagejamandcrumpets · 03/04/2026 05:44

They are adults.

Let them get on with it. 🙂

Elektra1 · 03/04/2026 06:13

My brother was in a relationship with a woman with a kid at the same age. She was nice enough but was fixated on having more kids and kept telling him that where she came from (Bristol) if you didn’t have 4 kids by the time you were 30, it was over for you. He didn’t want to be a dad so young, so after a couple of years it ended.

I don’t think the fact that this young lady has a child means she will also want more soon. Could be quite the reverse. But it does warrant a bit more questioning (from him, not you) about expectations for the relationship than might otherwise be the case at that age.

WizdomE · 03/04/2026 07:11

i understand your concern, however how you respond now will set the tone for the relationship for the future, so no matter how you personally feel just be pleasant when you meet her and supportive of your son, even if it turns out to be a mistake. Now the hard stuff…. Whilst we don’t like to think bad about people…. Your son will look like a very good prospect and I’m sure after already having had one child she gets child support. You need to advise your son to manage his own birth control (condom), dont put off having this talk. If the relationship becomes long term and THEY choose to have a child that’s fine, but don’t let it be a accident it’s a lifetime commitment and it will ruin his life if the relationship breaks down!!!

tonystarksrighthand · 03/04/2026 08:14

BG2015 · 01/04/2026 16:20

@Decorhate thanks for your reply.

His previous girlfriend and he used to go away for weekends to London, they bought a tent and did loads of camping and walking. They did so much travelling together- Italy, Dubai, Bali, Greece. They were always doing something. He won't be able to experience those things with his new girlfriend.

Why not? I have a child and have been a single parent his whole life and experienced all of those things, also went back to my career.

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