Nervous about my son's new relationship with a girl with a toddler.

[BG2015]

My son is 26, he has a great job and earns a decent amount of money (particularly for the area we live in) he's desperately trying to save a deposit for a house now and begin to think about moving out. He lives with his dad as it's easier regarding where he works.( His dad and I are both in new relationships and are on friendly terms. )

He split up with his girlfriend of 5 years last year which we were all sad about but it was his first serious relationship and it had run its course. He had some counselling over the break up and was depressed for a while. I admired how he dealt with it though and by Christmas he was in a much better place. He's quite an emotionally intelligent person but a bit naive sometimes. He started going out more with his friends and has been planning a trip to Thailand for the end of the summer.

He's now met a girl ( via a dating app) who is the same age as him and has a 14 month old son. She lives about 15 miles away. None of us have met her yet but he's really taken with her. She doesn't currently work but managed a nursery before she had her son. The babies dad isn't on the scene at all and she gets some support from her parents and older sister but from what I can gather it's not consistent.

He's eager for me to meet her and says she's a great person, an amazing mum and loving and kind.

I knew that because he was approaching his late 20's the chances of him meeting someone with children would increase. We don't have any young children or babies in our family so he has limited experience with this.

I want him to be happy but this changes everything in his life if the relationship progresses. His dad and I have both talked to him gently about how limiting a new relationship with a child can be and to think long and hard about it all but he's a man in the throes of a new relationship so a lot of it went on deaf ears - I know that feeling!

I also know that this could be an amazing thing, it could work out and they could live happily ever after.

But I'm just wary and a little bit concerned. I may feel better once I meet her. It may not even last.

Anyone got experience of this please? I just want him to be happy and will support him always.

You could be describing me and my husband except I’m 4 years older. We’ve just celebrated our 32 year wedding anniversary

My husband met me when he was 26, I was a few years older and a parent. His parents weren’t impressed and were extremely vocal about it. Seven years on we’re married, theres another little person in our family and he very very rarely speaks to either of his parents.

I'm certainly not over involved. I didn't know this woman's name until yesterday.

I've had a conversation via text with my DS about it twice.

I've come on here to read other people's opinions ( of which I'm grateful for) and experiences.

I would be concerned if any of my sons were in this situation as a teenager but at 26 they are adults and at that age I would think lots of people will already have dc and any new relationship at that age may well involve step parenting.

As a woman who had a child at 18, I would be furious if my now husbands mother posted this about me! You haven’t even given her a chance and jumped to so many assumptions. What about admiring the woman for raising a child pretty much alone? That takes strength. In terms of her job (or apparently lack of) why does that matter? If your son is happy surly you should be too.

Of course the lack of job matters. How is she supporting herself and her child? As the child's father is not around. Hopefully not the state and hopefully again not ops son. It does indicate that the new gf possibly isn't thinking about supporting herself.

I agree with this and have had similar experience

Gosh please dont tell him what you've said here!

It didnt work out though with the ex despite doing all those things so maybe something different isnt an issue.

You cant put a stop to him seeing her.

Only advice you can give him is to not believe her when she says she is on the pill.

Disagree. She might be supporting the child until it’s in school before considering getting a job again. She might have health issues meaning she’s unable to work. You don’t know the situation so your assessment is automatically flawed.

I'd have my concerns.
I'd worry that my ds was going to end up financially supporting another adult and a child that wasn't his.
26 year olds make their own choices in life though, so he'll just have to be left to get on with it.

Why do you think this?surely they can do these things…but in a different way?! I know plenty of people with dc who manage to go away on holidays.

The lack of job is concerning (unless her family is wealthy and she's living off a trust fund?), i would gently sugggest DS always used a condom until he is planning to support all 3 of them.

Some people seem to really jump dowm peoples throats on here

I would be careful as you have given loads of identifying details on this and she could easily see this post and recognise it’s about her. Then if they do end up married with kids etc it’s a really poor start, before you have even met her!

I would assume on benefits, and for a single parent with a 14 month old, there is nothing that unusual or wrong with that. With a child that age, she is not required to look for work yet. She has plenty more years to pay into the system. (I say this as someone who has never had to, luckily, claim benefits, and at times have thought it was too easy for people to get them {it’s not now} before someone jumps on me saying I am probably on a lifetime of them!)

That’s really offensive advice to give someone.

You can’t assume the girl would lie about protection because she has one child, and any reasonable person would be offended at your mistrust of their partner.

Kindly, can you express exactly what’s your issue with her having a child?

None of the things you mentioned (traveling etc) become impossible once you have a child. My DD went with me to all sorts of places, festivals, etc. It just needs to be planned accordingly. The only thing I can imagine being an issue is their budgets not lining up.

There’s also the (big) chance she wants to date your son but isn’t interested in finding a stepfather. Many single parents aren’t interested in that, I certainly wasn’t.

No. She was working before the child in an environment that would allow her to take her child to work and work flexibly. She might be supporting the child independently but nothing from the OP's post suggests that. Post-partum health issues? Yes maybe - we know women's healthcare is not perfect by a long way. But a long stretch on your part. Most 26 year olds should and need to be working full time.

I think that’s quite a narrow view to be honest.

Having a young child isn’t a small commitment and many parents step back from full time work at that stage, even if they previously worked in a role that allowed flexibility around childcare.

You’re also assuming she isn’t supporting herself, when we simply don’t have that information. Support can come in lots of forms. It’s not always as straightforward as “working full time or not.”

It’s completely reasonable for a parent to be cautious about their child’s relationship, but I don’t think it’s fair to reduce this woman to assumptions about her work status or the fact she is a single mother.

I would go with it. He's happy, she's happy and you never know, it could mature him and make him motivate him to succeed in life. He could end up drinking etc less too if he does. I would just watch and see how it goes for now. If he does stay with her, he could start wanting his own child with her and you could very well end up becoming a granny at some stage!

My dh was the same age as your son when I met him. I was considerably older with 2 dc and 17 years later we both still remember how unwelcoming his family were to me.
He's a grown man, why are you so overly concerned about his relationship, he seems happy - leave him to it!!

You’re not wrong to have concerns, but whether it’s wise to voice them is another question.

It takes much more effort to overcome a bad start than to put a good face on things at the start, and if you value a relationship with your dc, it pays to tread very carefully.

Parenting adult dc is a different stage from what’s gone before. Treating teens like toddlers doesn’t work out well, and being too generous with your opinions (regardless of how much wisdom they contain) can backfire disastrously.

I suspect that you may have already done more damage than you realise op.

So he has done all that and is now realising that there is more to life than camping.

I suspect my in-laws would have felt the same about me. My son was 2 when I met my now husband at 26 years old (10 years ago).
Both of my in-laws have sadly passed away now, but they treated my son like their blood. He was and always will be their first grandchild and they adored each other.
I’m forever grateful that they opened their hearts to me with no judgement - a single Mum in her 20s with their son who, like your son, was living his best life.
We now have 3 children, and go camping, on holidays, exploring, you name it. He can still live his best life with a toddler in tow ❤️