Nervous about my son's new relationship with a girl with a toddler.

[BG2015]

My son is 26, he has a great job and earns a decent amount of money (particularly for the area we live in) he's desperately trying to save a deposit for a house now and begin to think about moving out. He lives with his dad as it's easier regarding where he works.( His dad and I are both in new relationships and are on friendly terms. )

He split up with his girlfriend of 5 years last year which we were all sad about but it was his first serious relationship and it had run its course. He had some counselling over the break up and was depressed for a while. I admired how he dealt with it though and by Christmas he was in a much better place. He's quite an emotionally intelligent person but a bit naive sometimes. He started going out more with his friends and has been planning a trip to Thailand for the end of the summer.

He's now met a girl ( via a dating app) who is the same age as him and has a 14 month old son. She lives about 15 miles away. None of us have met her yet but he's really taken with her. She doesn't currently work but managed a nursery before she had her son. The babies dad isn't on the scene at all and she gets some support from her parents and older sister but from what I can gather it's not consistent.

He's eager for me to meet her and says she's a great person, an amazing mum and loving and kind.

I knew that because he was approaching his late 20's the chances of him meeting someone with children would increase. We don't have any young children or babies in our family so he has limited experience with this.

I want him to be happy but this changes everything in his life if the relationship progresses. His dad and I have both talked to him gently about how limiting a new relationship with a child can be and to think long and hard about it all but he's a man in the throes of a new relationship so a lot of it went on deaf ears - I know that feeling!

I also know that this could be an amazing thing, it could work out and they could live happily ever after.

But I'm just wary and a little bit concerned. I may feel better once I meet her. It may not even last.

Anyone got experience of this please? I just want him to be happy and will support him always.

I can understand your reservations but you might feel reassured when you meet her. At present there's a vacuum which always causes anxiety as you'll be imagining all sorts of negative things.

This. The absolute hypocrisy.

I was the girl in this situation.

Can I suggest keeping your worries under your hat?

We got married and were happily married until his death, despite MIL (criticised my weight and parenting) and SIL (said I had to prove I was good enough to join their family as I was a single parent).

He was a great stepdad and we went on to have two more children.

We saw them less than we would have otherwise and I don't see SIL any more (MIL died before DH).

I completely understand and would think the same as you. Your son loves travelling and I wonder as time goes on whether he will tire of the restrictions a toddler will have on his life.

The travelling things concerns me less as people often stop doing that off their own back anyway and it's something that you'll probably be able to do again later on in life. It's more that reading threads about blended families makes me realise how many people go into them with barely any thought as to whether it's right for them.

Sounds like he’s done the travelling and camping and staying in nice hotels and realised that’s nice but it’s not real life. Maybe for him real life is having a family and experiencing life with someone who is warm and kind.

I know your fears are that because she has a child the likelihood of another child (with your son) will be deemed a positive and before you know it they will be living together with two kids and he’ll be supporting the family with his decent wage. Well maybe that’s true, but he’ll grow up and understand responsibility pretty quickly. That’s not the end of the world and if the girlfriend is lovely and a good mum already then maybe they’ll be together for life and you’ll be a grandmother and be able to enjoy his new family alongside him.

Also you having an opinion on it, positive or negative, will have no baring on what happens in the future anyway. You may as well be positive!

My son went for a first date with the girl at his tenis club - he organised a session with her and then just went for a walk in the park. He came back happy but a bit disappointed. The girl seemed not to know any movies or music, no common interests, he thought she was charming and beautiful, but found they have no coon interests. He said he was trying to be funny and entertain her. As a mum i was very happy for his first experience, but my main job was to listen. He was then texting her every evening and wanted to go for a movie, then she said she didn't want to have any relationship because of the upcoming exams. He seemed upset. I suggested not to push. To keep texting each other. And respect her choice. He didn;t listen. I guess we just have to let them live their life and be there, listen and love.

I would be advising him to take responsibility for his own contraception and not take her word for it that he’s on the pill/has a coil. Sorry to be cynical but I’ve seen it all before with some of my friends who are (now were) single parents.

My dad was 21 when he met my mum- I was 3. My grandparents on his side were my biggest champions, and I spent most school holidays with them.

I’m so very thankful that they didn’t see me as an ‘issue’. Dad had just finished uni, but then went on to do a masters degree. His career was never impacted by me. We hardly had any money, but we often went camping, and when the time was right, they went on to have my sister and brother.

We lost Mum 7 years ago. Dad and I are very close. If he ever needed care- I’d be there in a heartbeat.

I miss my grandparents too- especially Grandma, who was one of my favourite people in the world.

Of course he will- it’ll just be different!

Have to say that I'm enjoying the stories from the adult children who were lovingly raised by a stepdad and were loved by the grandparents. Really heartwarming 💕

I wanted to give the other side of this situation. At the same age as your ds and the girlfriend, I was divorced with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I had a crap job that I loved and was renting. Dad of my kids not involved.
I met my now dh, he had a mortgage, no kids, good job and his mum was worried. We moved quite fast and I think I would be worried if my kids did the same!
We have now been together 11 years, married 5, have a baby of our own, we bought a bigger house together and me and my mil get on great! I now have a degree level job, my dh is working much more senior too.
It was a risk, for him more than me but for us, it worked out.

There is no way at 26 I was introducing my parents to someone I'd been shagging/dating for a month. You are WAY over invested in your son's personal life.

My dd was 6 when I met my now DH, I was 25 he was 28.

Were still together 10 years later and now have 2 children together.

My DD has always been welcomed by his parents and I'll never forget that.

Dh also had a good job whereas I was a single parent living in a council house earning minimum wage. I'd hate to be thought of as some kind of burden especially in regards to my child.

You need to be kind, as pp said this woman may be the future mother of your grandchildren.

Adding to my previous reply, I am also the daughter of a single Mum who remarried the most wonderful man. He is my 2nd dad, and his parents are just amazing. They took me on holiday, let me sleep over, babysat me, let me try a sneaky bit of wine - they were the best grandparents I could have asked for. I sure hope they didn’t look at my Mum, with her two girls, and thought their son could do better, because she’s wonderful too.

But a common thread here is "I'm/was a single parent [normally female], Dad not involved". That is a massive issue, of course dad should be involved to support their children, even if the relationship has ended. As a parent to boys that worries me a lot. The birth-dad should be forced to pick up at the bare minimum financial support, particularly if more than 1 joint-DC (1 might be an accident, more than 1 cannot be, unless extreme circumstances). Yes I get all the ways that men choose actively not to pay, let alone be involved in real life. But really the state cannot be expected to pay and neither can other families. We really need as a society to be ensuring that these men pay for their families.

I do think the financial burden is one reason why so many families are negative about the [financial] impact to their nearest and dearest. Particularly if the relationship breaks down and they never see that child again. I worked in a school and often we had mum ask us to remove dad from the parental record. Turns our it was step-dad, financially providing for the family, recorded as dad, but wasn't. That was a big issue to deal with. So much time involved due to the lies and fudging.

There are a lot of assumptions here but I agree dads should not just be allowed to start afresh without a backward glance at their responsibilities.

I am remarried but it is not my husband's role (in the main) to be the financial provider for the children I had with my first husband. There was never an expectation that he would be - that's up to me and their biological dad (my ex-husband). Hence why I have always worked to pay the bills/rent/etc.
I think it's a red flag that this single mum is saying "it's not worth" her working.
You have kids, you provide for them.

Thought I would come back and update now that some time has passed.

I hold my hands up and admit I was totally wrong to jump to the conclusions I did regarding my son and his new relationship . I have since met this lovely young woman and her adorable little boy and they are both amazing.

We have spent quite a bit of time with them over the past few weeks and I've learnt a lot more about them both. My DS has also amazed me and I'm even more proud of him than I was before. He's helpful, practical, kind and a massive support to his GF and her little boy. He's taken being with a toddler like a duck to water.

Im embarrassed that I over reacted but we are only human. I stand corrected.

As the woman who was the single Mum with a toddler when I met my now husband, I love your update. Thank you for being open minded enough to change your opinion ❤️

@BG2015 Pleased you feel reassured. The only thing I would advise your son is to be 'politely cautious" regarding finances in the early days, especially if there is quite an imbalance.
Hope it all works out really well.

You are making a hill out of a mountain or drowning a little bit in stereotypes.

The dad may not be in the picture but she may have more support from
her/his family than mums in marriages do.

She is taking care of a toddler so probably receiving some help in benefits or who knows, may have a trust to her name. If the former, gone are the days when lone parents could stay at home indefinitely, these days they are required to work at least 16 hours a week once the kid reaches his 3rd birthday.

Your son is not going to feel compelled to take over in fully financially supporting them UNLESS you have been a SAHM. Children tend to do what they saw at home, so if you have been working throughout, he is more likely to expect the same of her.

If your son is used to trips and an active life, it is likely that both of them soon agree there is no future as he will resent the restrictions on their alone time and the girl will resent him for not understanding her parenting responsibilities are not optional.

I think that you should only start worrying if he comes home and tells you they have been to Gretna Green over the weekend, she is wearing a ring and he doesn’t know when her birthday is.

CORRECTION: Just seen your update, amazing news! 🙂🙂🙂

When DH met me he'd had virtually no experience with kids. His ex had been sterilised before she'd met him and didn't want kids so he'd just accepted his life as never being a dad.

It's baffling really because he is quite frankly the best dad I've ever met. He was made to be a dad. He was wonderful with DS from day 1 and it really brought the best out in him. He quit smoking for DS. got a steady reliable job, built a house, DSs room was the first to be finished. We're now on our 3rd. Becoming a dad was the best thing that ever happened to him. And I think coming in the way he did was the best way for him. He had to earn his spot in DSs life and that made him step up.

It might seem daunting now. But in a few years you absolutely could be saying how amazing it's been for him.

It could all work out. It might well turn out they get on really well and become a good, close knit, wee team. Not all women with toddlers are shamelessly prowling for a provider for them, and a babbydaddy for their wee one.