Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

The DC aren’t quite at the age yet where DGC are likely to emerge but DD has already made it super clear she’s not willing to be a Mum, and honestly I don’t blame her.

DS has hinted he would like a damily but that might involve actually asking a girl out so we might have to wait a while before that ever happens…

It seems though that as usual comparison is what might be stealing your happiness?

Your DF might get joy from their DGC but do you usually compare yourself with your DFs?

You're not owed grandchildren. They're not toys or pets. Saying it felt like a bereavement is way OTT and an insult to those who've actually lost kids or grandkids.

This world isn't a nice place and I can't blame them for deciding against bringing another life into it.

Enjoy what you have in life. Don't mourn for people who have never and will never exist. That's doing your actual real loved ones a disservice.

I thought for a moment the OP was my mum. I really wanted kids but at 44 and still single it’s not happening. I feel a lot of guilt about it. My sister has never wanted kids either. My parents say they’ve put it to bed, but it makes me sad that they’ve missed out.

You still have two children of your own who you will most very likely outlive - many people aren't so lucky. I don't say this to be unkind, but it might help in terms of shifting perspective? It sounds like you could do with getting into some new hobbies or maybe volunteering?

I would totally feel like this. Of course you know that it’s your children’s choice and it’s not about you etc etc but I don’t see how you can help feeling a sense of loss if you like children. Mine are young adults - probably another ten years before I’d want them to be parents - and I’d be really sad if they didn’t have them. You did everything right and hid your reaction from them.
If I was in your position I’d maybe think about volunteering at a toddler group or similar - my mum did this. Obviously it in no way makes up for not having your own grandchildren but having contact with little ones might help if you’ve got the time.

I’m not bothered about having grandchildren tbh. I figured my life with be fine either way. Obviously if I get any I’ll love them. My dc are adults and showing no signs of wanting any. My sister has no dc and she has a truly lovely life, if that’s what my dc do I’ll be thrilled for them.if your dc are happy with their choices, you’ve done a great job as a parent.

I never wanted children my mum had accepted it and was absolutely fine with that but l totally understand your feelings and they are valid op. I did end up pregnant and she was thrilled of course but gibe yourself time. What helped me when l was unable to have any more as a pp suggested was volunteering at a local Rainbows group and being around children.

My DD is 21 - plenty of time for her to change her mind but currently very career focussed and not keen on the idea of ever having kids.

I'm only 50 so it's not a road I'd be wanting her to go down now anyway but I do like the idea that it might happen someday, however, it's really got bugger all to do with me and I'm sure I'll find plenty of other ways to fill my time if she sticks to her guns.

Maybe lay off Call The Midwife for a bit?

would you feel the same if your daughter told you she had tried but was unable to have children? Would your own life still seem ‘pointless’? I don’t intend that in a mean way, just that it might be useful to unpick where the emotion is coming from - are you somehow taking her decision not to have a family as an implicit criticism of your own parenting?

I rom’t understand why people assume they will be DGPs..Someone said the other day ‘when we are GPs. I said if, surely?’

Why is she most likely to outlive her children?

Oh OP, I will be sad too if my DC decide not to have children. Obviously it's up to your DC but YANBU to feel upset.

I would feel like this too. It’s ok to grieve for what might have been, and to take time to adjust to the idea. I think the pain would lessen over time, but it must feel quite raw atm.

I'm sorry you feel like this @AmateurOwls but please don't let them know how you feel. Mine say they don't want any kids either - 2 DC both 30-ish/close in age .... Left home a decade ago, and have University degrees and are successful professionals, and they travel quite a bit - for pleasure and for business... Having a baby is the last thing on their mind. A baby just wouldn't fit into their lives at all ...

I see women my age (and some 10-12 or so years younger - and a few a bit older than me,) who have fairly recently become grandparents, and every now and then, I feel a pang of slight envy,... My 2 BFFs (2 to 3 years younger than me) have become grandparents just this past 2 years, (1 grandchild each,) but the situations with their daughters are not great. In both cases, the daughters split with the baby's father, soon after the baby was born, and they and the grandchild have moved back in with my friend(s.) I sure don't envy THAT!

Your kids may change their mind, like mine may do. But they may not. I would just make peace with it now, and be very happy you have got healthy and successful adult children, and a husband, a decent life, nice holidays, and friends etc....

Then if they DO come to you and say 'you're gonna be a gran!' it will be a bonus.

I would be thrilled if one (or both) of mine came to me and said they're having a baby, but I won't be devastated if they never do. My health and happiness and well being and future happiness does not depend on having grandchildren. If they come along - ever, I will be thrilled. But if they don't that's OK too.

As I said, my DC may change their mind.

But they may not....

It's OK to vent on here. You're allowed to feel how you feel.

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Op didn’t say she was owed grandchildren, and moreover didn’t let her dd see her disappointment.

Op of course you’re going to react to this. If you envisaged your life in a certain way and it won’t happen, you are most certainly and justifiably grieving for that. It’s ok to feel sad (not letting your dd’s know).

The best advice I can give is to really enjoy the freedom it brings.. no restraints or limits on holidays, living in the moment and gradually moving towards acceptance of the lovely life you have.

I agree with @Daisy62. It's totally normal to feel sad about something you hoped for. It doesn't sound as if you are putting pressure on your daughters or making them feel they ought to change their minds!

I also think you might want to give this a bit of time. Your daughter decided to talk to you about this, if I understand rightly. That sounds as if you are close; it also sounds as if she wanted to talk to someone about the decision. Sometimes people do that because they just want everyone to know where they stand, but sometimes it's because the decision wasn't an easy one, or isn't quite final. I would just be very, very open to letting her talk, just in case her decision has been prompted by something that would be within your ability to help her with.

Outlive as a parent? That is my mum's living nightmare at the moment. My brother was 58.

I only have young ones, so a long way off from the possibility of being a grandparent. I'd like to say it's totally their choice, they might live abroad, they might be unable to have children, and it's not their job to fill my life. But deep down, I would be sad.
It is not unnatural to want family-until quite recently, it was taken for granted that all women wanted kids-that it was just our purpose, and that menopause existed so we could help with our grandkids (before anyone says that many of us only have kids in our 40s now, I'm just saying this USED to be what people thought, and yes obviously some women had kids in their 50s even then).
We don't blame people who suffer infertility for feeling very upset by it, and while not having grandchildren is not the same and you obviously can't and shouldn't pressure your kids, it is not at all unnatural to be upset not to be a grandparent.

My eldest is 30 and ND he had one girlfriend aged 25 and they met 3 times and shared one kiss that was it and he just couldn’t do it eg they went out for lunch and he took a meal deal so he didn’t have to pay. He is ND and I’d love him to do Love on the Spectrum or join an ASC dating.

The other two are ND but outgoing I can see both married with or without children at some point / bit I suppose I thought I would have them.

My parents are 85 and 80 and are NC with the grandchildren / I often think surely you must want to see them but they don’t 🤷‍♀️ I don’t get it

I think your feelings are totally understandable. I am 36 and have one son currently but I will admit that my husband and I are both expecting to be grandparents in the future! Only now am I realising that it's not guaranteed. We're hoping to have more children which I'm sure will make it at least slightly more likely but I would absolutely feel the same in your position.

On a practical note I would try and find that grandparent role elsewhere. Support other mothers with young children and you might find that they welcome you to be involved in their children's lives. Some families have no family support and would love an extra grandparent!

I think the bigger problem is that you think your life in its current state is meaningless. You need to have some agency and find other ways of creating meaning - whether that’s volunteering (e.g. brownies/cubs), a more exciting job, a new hobby etc - so that you’re not dependent on things entirely outside of your control.

How on earth do you infer that?

Really doubt that i wiil see grandchildren daughter is in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend (he’s in California and coming over in the summer). Truth be told I don’t really like children but if it happened I will welcome then.

Me neither. If mine do have kids then I’ll love my gc but I don't really understand the need to have gc, it’s not a biological clock ticking.

Definately grieve the loss, and then move on.

I have decided to not have children, and even though my mother cognitively understands and knows that, she has not accepted in her heart and it comes out as resentment when we have any conflict which is very hard to deal with.