Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

So tlyou want people to have children that dont want them just so you have grandchildren? No i dont get this thought process

👏👏👏

Life is bloody tough and the world seems to be getting more expensive and dangerous. I hope my DDs don't have children but instead live a comfortable and happy life without all the stress and worry. I don't know what the future will hold but right now it doesn't feel good.

You aren't wrong for how you feel and you did the right thing keeping your feelings to yourself. All sorts of things can come with a grieving process and you're not insulting anyone by doing so.

You are allowed to grieve.

It’s the end of a line, the final death of your direct line. It’s tragic and you are allowed to feel it. There will be no grandchildren to pass on the quirks and personality traits of your parents and grandparents.

It’s very much a loss and I’m surprised at those who do not treat it as such. I don’t suggest children no matter the cost, btw, being childfree is a personal choice.

But you can view it as the ultimate expression of your line, that your beloved children are the period at the end of the sentence.

And that has some beauty in it as well.

I’d be gutted too OP. Being a mother is the best thing I’ve ever done, and being a Nana would be a close second. Society now is unfortunately extremely anti-family and too career-obsessed and individualistic, and sadly I think as a result we’ll see more scenarios like yours. I see it as a sign that society has lost its way about what actually matters.

I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless.

Life feels pointless because you don't have GC? maybe work on finding out why the family and friends you do have are not enough for you.

So women's only purpose is children, their only worth on life is for breeding and caring?

This.
You need to think about why your life feels flat. I will never have gc but my life at 66 is full and meaningful, even though my ds died tragically 15 months ago. Now that is a bereavement.

I can’t begin to imagine how hard that must be

Is the need specifically for a biological grandchild?

If you still want to be around children, you could look into volunteering? Or child minding, if you don't work currently? Or even fostering could be an option, depending on your age.

Not having kids is a very reasonable decision to make in the UK in 2026. Neither of my dc want kids. The world is a real mess. The UK is a mess - which would be to the immediate detriment of children being born. Look at Jesy Nelson’s babies - if they had been born in a different country - France, Germany, US…a whole long list, they would have received their diagnose and life changing treatment at birth. If you need an ambulance, you can wait hours. Schools - generally standards are poor compared to other countries. I desperately wanted kids 20 years ago and had them. But I would not necessarily make the same decision today.

It’s certainly my main purpose in life, and an extremely rewarding and fulfilling one at that. My children are being raised to know they are our top priority and to know the value of family, that’s for sure.

I can instantly tell we have different priorities- I don’t use the word ‘breeding’ to discuss having children, they are not livestock. Sounds disgusting, and a way to put down mothers. Very immature.

I won't have grandchildren and I do feel some grief about it. I think it's fair enough to feel sad that something as major as that isn't going to happen.

One of mine is trans and the other one has a life limiting illness and is intellectually impaired and autistic.

I really don’t understand this devastation over no grandchildren. And comparing it to a bereavement is incredibly offensive. It’s nothing like a bereavement. It’s not a biological urge like the wish to have a baby of your own for instance, it’s a want.

And tbh the way the world is now, if I was going back to that age I’m not sure I’d have children now myself let alone be encouraging my children to do it.

Also, I think people romanticise the idea of grandchildren. When I was pregnant I remember my MIL saying how she couldn’t wait to do painting and crafts and what-not with the GC, my mum was all about how she couldn’t wait to be looking after them constantly and it turned out nothing like that and rarely does.

The grandparents were all excellent grandparents and DC have good relationships with them and always did, but I think the problem is that grandparents almost want to relive their parenthood’s when actually they’re almost bystanders and things rarely work out how they imagined they would.

It’s ok to feel sad, I would too. You will come to terms with this just give it time.

Honestly, do you want grandkids born into this world?

Enjoy your life with your daughters and family members. Kids aren’t the be all and end all.

Me neither.

She didn’t say that. I have a large number of children. I also have a successful professional career and earn well. It’s the inequality in money that is stopping women having children, not the other way round. I suspect some of my children won’t have kids because it is so difficult to afford a nice life with them. That is a failure of society.

I understand your feelings OP and you did the right thing by hiding them from your DC in the first instant. Take the time you need to come to terms with it and fill your life with things that give you joy.

On a wider note I do think that people should stop pinning their hopes and dreams on others to fulfil. It’s so unfair to make someone else feel responsible for your happiness. So whilst it’s ok to hope for grandchildren it’s almost selfish to plan for them to such an extent that you can’t imagine life without them. No one should have that kind of pressure put on them.

My older friend does now have grandchildren but for the 10 years before that she was practising on mine. She was, and remains, the most excellent unrelated granny! Look around you. Maybe there's someone in your wider circle who would absolutely love your input.

I was never going to have kids, so I was glad my brother provided the grandchildren.

I’m also glad my mum didn’t (as far as I know) cling to the idea that I would change my mind.

How old are your daughters? If they are still 20s there is plenty of time. It is not uncommon for people to have kids at 40 these days. If they are 20s I would not get upset yet and just support their choice. Keep the lines of communication open because you don't know the context in which your daughter and her partner made the decision. It could be infertility or it could be lead by her partner - in which case being an ear to listen to your daughter could be important especially if she is going along with it for his sake. I wouldn't want a child of mine to give up on their own dream of having children for the sake of their partner.

Complete lack of empathy and understanding here.

You also aren’t owed:

• children
• a successful career
• a house of your own
• a partner
• etc etc etc

but you are more than reasonable to be upset if these aren’t achievable for you.