Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

You are missing the point- with your your family line will die and soon no one will have any reason to remember any of you. My grandmas went through my family trees as far as she knew,our youngest generations still know names and have pictures back multiple generations and their history and notes about them, mothers before her wrote down notes and passed down personal items-they raised families through wars and occupation, pretty lame that a woman these days chooses gardening, travelling and other copes like “fur baby”over real wealth, a family and children- that wrong decision will hit many women when they realise in an older age that their friends are disappearing and who are around get visited by children and grandchildren.

Probs written by a “child free” person who dosent understand and has not experienced maternal or love for a grandchild by a grandparent.

Ok sorry but if her child or grandchild died she wouldn't think someone healthy choosing not to procreate was anything like a bereavement.

The idea that a person will be forgotten without biological descendants doesn’t really hold up. Most people, parents included, are remembered for a generation or two at most. Memory fades not because someone didn’t have children, but because time passes. What determines whether someone is remembered meaningfully isn’t genetics, it’s relationships. Plenty of childfree people are remembered intensely by friends, students, nieces and nephews, communities, or people whose lives they shaped. Plenty of people with children are lonely, distant, or functionally forgotten long before they die.

You also make an uncomfortable implication that children are a kind of hedge against obscurity or loneliness. That places a lot of responsibility on people who never asked to be born. Children are autonomous human beings, not legacy projects or future visitors. Having them with the expectation that they will provide meaning, remembrance, or companionship later in life isn’t a guarantee. It’s a hope, and one that doesn’t always materialise.

I don't even know my great grandparents' names. Probably Margaret for the girls but only based on that being everyone's names. And I can see plenty of people my age eagerly waiting for their own parents to hop in the grave and free up inheritance cash.

I find the obsession with legacy quite unattractive (and never practiced by people who have natures I'd consider worth replicating).

OP, I understand. We had DC quite late in life. One doesn't want children at all. The younger one does but not for ages, and he's not, as a man, under any pressure to have them within a certain time frame. So if it happens eventually, I may well be too elderly to be much use.

I've decided that once I retire I will look into doing respite fostering or mentoring a family long term, and create a bond with grandchild-aged children in that way. There are families out there desperate for some support, young parents who never had great role models, who maybe grew up in care or in dysfunctional families. Just to have them over for tea or Sunday lunch, to get them stockings at Christmas, to have their DC play in the garden, to look after their children overnight so they get a break etc - that sort of thing is what I would love to do.

Would that be worth considering?

Quite. It’s a weird romantic notion. In reality many children didn’t make it past 10 due to lack of vaccines. Quite often women were untraceable due to marital name changes etc. I’m glad women now have better healthcare and can make their own decisions about whether they have children or not.

The fear of being forgotten is hardly reason to bring unwanted children into the world. My husband, my cat and my friends are my wealth and that's enough for me.
Tbh, you don't really sound like the sort of person who should be nurturing children, you lack empathy and imagination.

I agree. Do people really worry about who's going to remember them in years to come when they're dead? Surely the point in living is making an impact when you're alive and enjoying the time here, not popping out children so people will remember you in generations to come. You'll be dead, it really doesn't matter if people remember you or not!

Also I work in elderly social work and can't say I have noticed any difference in lonlieness between those that have children and those that don't. In fact I'd go as far to say those that don't have children tend to be more involved in communities like church groups and have deeper friendships that have staved off loneliness. I've met many, many older people who have children and grandchildren who are still crippled by loneliness. Why? Because their children and grandchildren are grown up, with jobs and families of their own and have often moved away. Yes they visit their parents and are involved and spend time with them, but the elderly people still spend the vast majority of time on their own.

And there are still ways to become involved with the younger generation without having grandchildren. One of my mums closest friends doesn't have grandchildren but is an ex-childminder and still (in her 70s!) looks after her neighbours kids twice a week. My mum used to also do childcare one day a week for my eldest and she'd always take my eldest to her friends house. It's been great to have another adult in my sons world and she's almost now like a 3rd grandma to him! She babysits for us, gives presents and she's absolutely wonderful with my son!

This is how I feel too. I love my children (who are still very little) to the ends of the earth and don't regret them for a minute, but I've found it hard and exhausting and I find myself most days wishing the time away. I have absolutely no idea if they'll want children but I'll admit I'm horrified at the idea that as a grandparent I'll be expected to go back to providing childcare for pre-school children in my 60s. The idea absolutely fills me with dread!

That's lovely to hear as someone who is childless by circumstance and worries about loneliness in old age all the time!

I would imagine a lot of it has to do with personality too. If the elderly person is kind and nice to be around, people are more likely to want to spend time with them.

No one said it was the same as having your child or grandchild die. Neither of these has happened to me, but had miscarriages and other family bereavements I can imagine the process of coming to terms Is similar to A bereavement. But we can agree to disagree.

Bit of a sweeping generalisation?

Your post is going to enrage people but I have to agree with you. The childfree people I know are insular and have no idea of the things that you will do for a child. When I had my first child I remember thinking " this must have been how my parents felt when they had me" and it gave me a totally different insight to them. When I was teaching it was easy to see the childless teachers at parents nights. You were sitting talking about someone's pride and joy and when you were a parent you realised what that meant and you set the tone accordingly. You only have to look at newspapers for the daily drivel about the latest star's child to see that yes becoming a parent changes you.

I don’t doubt for a second that becoming a parent can be profoundly transformative, and that it can deepen empathy in ways that are hard to describe unless you’ve lived it. But I think it’s a mistake to equate parenthood with empathy or insight more generally.

People gain perspective in many different ways: caring for siblings, supporting ill relatives, teaching, mentoring, working in healthcare, or simply reflecting deeply on their relationships with their own parents. Those experiences can also lead to the same kind of “oh, now I understand” moments you’re describing.

Saying childfree people are insular risks confusing “different lived experience” with “lesser understanding.” A child may be someone’s pride and joy, but professionals, teachers included, don’t need to be parents themselves to treat that with respect and sensitivity. Plenty of parents fail at that too, while many childfree people excel at it.

Parenthood changes people, yes, but change isn’t automatically growth, and it isn’t the only path to insight or compassion.

Sorry but I don't agree those other experiences are the same. It's more than just compassion and insight.

No. Anyone who says things like YOUR LINE WILL DIE OUT IF YOU ONLY HAVE FUR BABIES is creepy and weird and I'd be happier with fewer of them.

Most people are parents and most people are self obsessed bores incapable of empathy. There's no correlation.

I must say at parents' evening, fully aware of how naughty my child can be at times, I'm occasionally surprised by parents who appear entirely in denial about theirs! Maybe child free colleagues fall for it...who knows?

Fantastic post. I agree with every word.

I find this such a bizarre reason to have kids. As you say you'll be dead, so it a doesn't really matter if people remember you or not. You're not exactly going to be around for it to make a difference or not.

Surely a much better to focus on life when you're alive and live it well and to do what makes you happy, and for many people that means not having children!

I second that! In some cultures child rearing is a family affair, even in the UK.

Individualism and personal freedom are
products of the developed world. But individualism and personal freedom also diminish the essential role family plays in the well being of all members of the family.

These characteristics will have beneficial effects for the infrastructure of the developed world but little or no benefit to the welfare families can provide for each other.

You've missed my point.