Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

I'm so sorry. It's completely understandable that you feel this pain, and there's no easy way to cope with it.

However maybe think about whether you can get involved with young children in some way, maybe volunteering to hear children read in school, or as a volunteer at children's clubs.

When my husband was a very little boy he used to play outside in his front garden and an elderly lady got to know him, who soon became a very involved friend of the family. This lovely lady left a considerable amount of money, and we still talk about her fondly (even though I didn't know her) as her legacy has so helped us with our own family.

My mum would have been in your situation, as I said I definitely didn't want children. However due to a schism in our family I changed my mind and had my only child at 36, so things can change.

You maybe need to explore further your completely understandable feelings of sadness about this. I'm a great believer in counselling to work through things. There's no easy answer, however, but I hope you find a way to come to terms with it. Well done for not showing your feelings to your daughters too.

My mum was really good on this. She recognised having kids can really ruin a woman's life in many ways (and neither of us like children in the abstract) so she was very happy for my sister and I to have good free lives instead if that's what we preferred. Having children should be a calling, not a default.

You are allowed to feel sad but you should be mindful of not letting them know because it's be unfair.
I think many of us will not be a granny. Life's very hard in terms of housing costs and childcare so I can see why it'd tip the balance for some. I only had one child because of concerns over affording to have more. That's perhaps where my sadness will sit.

It is absolutely OK to regret the bits of your that you expected but didn’t happen. I had a very adventurous and exciting time-travelling and so on-when I was a young woman. My dd is entirely different, she is settled and happy with a good job, a lovely partner, a house and a dog. I do feel sad because I feel she’s missed out. But she has made her own choices and that’s fine. But I’m allowed to be sad about it! We’ve talked about it, and I think that’s important so she knows where I’m coming from just in case I say something that sounds like criticism (I don’t, or at least I haven’t yet!)

I’d be deeply disappointed and sad if my children didn’t have children and feel that I’d failed In some way - just my opinion

You are allowed to feel as you feel, you have not put this onto your dc and that is as it should be. You will not be alone in being in this situation as deciding not to have children is increasingly common. At the same time as I enjoy being a grandparent I am sad that as a society we have still not found a way of women being able to work and be mothers without something having to give, we live at a time when young people struggle to afford a home for themselves let alone for a family.
Do your grieving and then work out what your life will look like going forward. Your enrichment will come from being able to do what you want in retirement, when that comes. Travel, creativity, volunteering. You could volunteer for a charity which matches you with a family in need of a bit of support (homestart?). You could volunteer at something completely unrelated to children but which suits you. If you have a partner talk to him, if he is the father of your children he will be sad too.

Did you mean to put this @doglover90 ? Why would the OP outlive her children?

I appreciate you are sad about this but surely the happiness of your children is the most important thing

I’d counter that and say that even if, despite them probably being very aware of your opinion on this and knowing the disappointment you’d feel towards them, they STILL decide not to have children, you should be happy they know their own minds and aren’t easily swayed by others. It’s a great attribute to have as an adult.

Unless they do it purely as a rebellion, in which case, your plot will have massively backfired.

Also, you should never guilt trip anyone into such a responsibility they don’t want. No one comes out good from that, nor happy. Not your children, not the children they feel obliged to have and not you (who although have succeeded in getting what you want will no doubtedly be resented).

No, you’re not owed grandchildren but knowing the joy I get from mine you’re right to feel disappointed. You can volunteer to be a reader in a primary school or help out at a clubs for children which might help a bit. Or even advertise yourself as a babysitter. Not the same I know but it will give you some contact with children.

And ‘just my opinion’ is that that’s an awful way to think.

I know someone who had a child largely because of the pressure her parents put on her to give them a GC. Yes, they’re loving & involved, but my friend confided that she’d have been much happier childfree.

I don’t know if my parents had private views on my not wanting kids, but I do know that outwardly at least they simply wanted all of us to be happy in whatever lives we chose. The idea that because I have a full & happy life without kids, my parents failed somehow, is just stupid.

I have two adult daughters and both have said they don’t want children. To be honest, I would rather they have successful careers and relationships than have children. I would almost be a bit disappointed and shocked if they did have children. Life is so expensive now, especially housing. Both my DDs live in tiny one-bed flats and there’s no room for children, and both struggle a little financially, despite good degrees and jobs. They can’t afford holidays, even. So I’d like their lives to be easier and more enjoyable.

Absolutely!

It reeks of the parent who never quite made it to be a successful footballer/dancer so pushed it on to their kids, forcing them into lessons and clubs they inevitably drop when they’re old enough. Most parents would be happy for a healthy happy child and adult, not trying to relive their parenting years vicariously through their adult children 🥴

I always said I didn’t want any but nature took its course aged 30.

She had never said that they do. Nor is she criticising their decision or saying a single word to them about it.
And it's not self indulgent to privately feel sad that something that you'd hoped for is not going to happen.

Gosh, why? I feel the opposite, almost.

Your feelings are valid but please don’t let your DDs see how this has upset you. They need to make choices that are best for them not you
I’m not sure what to say other than you will soon come to terms with it. Life throws many challenges at us and we have to adapt.
Grandchildren are wonderful but not a given . Enjoy the life you have , it sounds very happy & full already .

Yes, I agree with this, I have a feeling that more and more people with children born post mid 1980s will not be grandparents. More and more young women are deciding becoming a mum is not for them. (At least 50% of young people are choosing to remain childfree now.)

They have successful, fulfilling careers (many of them,) and a busy social life, and they enjoy travelling. (Whether that 'travelling' is trips to London, Edinburgh, Brighton, etc, to see friends - or going to concerts and shows, or whether it's travelling with work, or for pleasure (abroad.) And the cost of childcare is hilariously expensive. One woman I know pays £1500 a month for her little girl.

I have heard a few people say the cost of childcare, and the fact you never have any money when you have children are the main reasons for not having them. Along with the responsibility that goes with creating another human being, and looking after them for often 20 to 25 years. It's a BIG responsibility, there is no guarantee your parents will be able to help long-term, (and they might even die before the children start school!) Once you've had them, that's it. You can't turn back the clock. They are your responsibilty for sometimes a quarter of a century. Even longer for some.

I'm child free by choice, my mum was always well aware of my decision and fully supported it. She never for a minute made me feel like I should have children for her sake or that she felt she was missing out on something.
I'm afraid I'd have thought less of her if she had.

OP, we can't live our lives through other people, whether that's children or putative grandchildren. It sounds like you have been very fortunate and have a great life - how on earth can it be "pointless"? That's actually pretty offensive to all of us who haven't had children or grandchildren - are our lives "pointless" too, in spite of all our years working, helping others and volunteering?

All I would ask is that you never, never say any of this to your children. Trust me, it's absolutely appalling when a parent only views you as a provider of the next generation, for their gratification.

Some unkind comments from some people, considering there are often threads on here from women about gender disappointment- and usually about not getting “their girl”! Double standards to me. OP, no advice but I would feel exactly the same as you.

Your feelings are valid OP. Ignore the nasty posters.

I think it taps into the existential question- what is life for? I wonder do you regret having kids in a way as they have not chosen to continue the family so what was the point of it? I think these are very hard questions that slam our heads into reality

Of course you feel this way op.

Reproduction is a biological urge (otherwise the majority wouldn't do such a crazy thing!), and we are just animals at the end of the day.

On a primal level, you used up all that energy, resources and effort for your family line to just die out. Every person on this earth is the end result of a long unbroken chain, and your chain has ended after thousands of years.

Of course you will feel sad.

I think this thread shows how selfishness around the childfree debate is not one sided.

Childfree people are often labelled as selfish, but as it shows here, not one person has said they want their children to have children for any other reason except THEY want grandchildren.

Theres no, I want my children to experience this joy etc just “I would feel a failure” and “I want grandchildren”.

THAT is selfish.