Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

I think coming to terms with not being a grandparent is akin to realising that you will not have DC. You have lost something, the life you expected to have. I want to say that you will get used to this new reality but I am not in a position to know (and I acknowledge that my grandchildren are the greatest happiness in my life).

I feel sad for one of my DC who will probably not have children. They might have never wanted them anyway but circumstances make it look very unlikely to happen and I think they feel similarly. Things change in life though, so never say never.

I think it's fair enough to feel sad, OP. It sounds like you didn't let your dd see how you were feeling.

My dd does want to have kids, and I don't think that's likely to change, but of course, there is still a possibility that it might not happen for whatever reason. I hope that I would deal with that in a way that kept my own emotions out of the picture as far as my dd was concerned, but I would be sad to miss out on the experience and I would also be sad for my dd missing out on the experience of being a parent.

You feel what you feel and you can't help that. But obviously you need to respect your dd's decision and keep your own feelings on the matter to yourself.

I know others have asked but really? Why on earth do you think the OP will outlive her children? That’s not exactly reassuring her is it? Perhaps you wrote it in a state of tiredness?

I was in the 'never having children' camp. Until I met the right man and ended up with four. Never say never.

Yes, I have felt the same and been told the same, but things change, so don't be surprised in a few years your dreams come true.

My eldest ds and his partner said they would likely be having them in a couple of years but this Christmas have now said they don't think they'll have any. I felt a bit sad but understand. It's hard for young people to manage financially and kids are such a huge commitment. Given how many kids and young people have problems etc, the state of the world, global warming, AI decimating jobs etc I completely understand why people don't want to bring kids into the world. I know issues have always existed, wars etc but i do think the future looks particularly bleak at the moment.

You cope because you have no option. I'm childless, but not through choice. I carried the guilt of not giving my parents grandchildren. (I'm an only child.)

One time, Mum's sister chided me for not having children: "Your mum would like to be a grandmother..."

I didn't tell my aunt that I'd been trying to no avail, but in the end I spoke to my mum and she was upset that I was upset.

That pang never goes. You just have to live your life.

The OP's children might change their mind about grandchildren, but even if they don't she's blessed to have had children.

I'm sorry - there's no easy answer. You just have to be grateful for what you have. Yes, it hurts every time someone asks whether I have grandchildren. I just answer "No, unfortunately."

I think once I found myself weeping in front of a shop assistant, though I tried to hide it. (She'd asked the grandchildren question and my dad was seriously ill at the time.) The poor woman apologised. I was trying to pass it off as a bit of a cold...

It's not great, but you just have to soldier on.

It s not about me... just think it d be nice for THEM to experience the exceptional experience of becoming a mum or dad. Also don t want them to think ... uh oh I left it too late/ regret my earlier choice... that s all.

Has the decision been a joint one? Or has it been led by her partner? Just curious as you'd said DD had always said she'd like them.

I have 2 DD's, both children right now, eldest has always been against having children, youngest wants a million children. If youngest changed her mind after getting together with someone, I'd find it odd for her to suddenly change her mind.

I think it's sad for your DD, as she'd always wanted them. Yes, of course sad for you too, but something you never had any control or entitlement over (not saying you thought you had of course).

If you're close to your DD, I'd probably try to subtly explore why she's now decided against. Would be horrible for her to regret this decision, once it's too late. It might be a case that her partner isn't the one for her.

This must surely be some kind of a typo error?! But it has made me laugh!!

My dc isn’t planning to have children. I am trying to be outwardly respectful of that decision. Inside, I still hold out hope for a reevaluation. I always imagined a grandchild. I know I have no right to have one and have no control over the situation. I get the occasional moment where I think about things I won’t have. Then I brush them away because they aren’t mine to claim.

You must mean the other way round, as in the op’s children will most likely outlive her. Then your comment about many in the world not being so lucky would make sense!

That notwithstanding, the op is allowed to feel sad that she might not become a grandparent.

I feel the same. My daughter is 41 and has never really had a lasting relationship and I never thought she wanted children really. However I always had hoped my son would and think he likes children. But his fiance is a very strong character and I don't think she wants them. I haven't actually asked but comments have been made that she doesn't like children. I know she has some health issues but nothing has been said that they have any fertility problems. I just feel really sad like you do, it just still seems the norm to have grandchildren when you see everyone else around you. It gives you an added interest and can keep you younger in retirement. Having a friend recently lose her husband and they have no family brings it home how lonely my two may be later in life. Obviously we know it is their choice but it doesn't stop you being really sad. I have nieces with babies and toddlers and although it is sometimes nice to see them it often makes me feel more sad afterwards.

I didn't want a baby until I turned 30, no maternal instinct at all. I told dm I would never have them all my life! I am late 30s now with 2 planned dcs!l I've warned my dcs no kids allowed until they're 35, because they need to live their life first, and if they don't want them that's great too! At 6 and 8 they look at me like I'm a bit crazy, but we have a good giggle.

Both of our children (DS and DD) are now nearing 50 and are single and without children. I sometimes very fleetingly wonder what it would have been like to have GC. But then I remember we travel for 3 months twice a year in our motorhome and think of friends who have childcare duties that prevent this.
Selfish I know, but this is my time and I would rather the excitement of travelling overland to Morocco or Greece than have my heartstrings pulled back by GC. So for me it’s a case of what the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

How old are your kids! Hubby and I were totally anti kids. Would have told all round us - no way are we doing that. We have two kids. Mine spend a great deal of time with their grandparents and they do have friends who have no grandkids. We sort of adopt these people along with us and the kids love them. One of mine was in a competition recently and Grandparents and all their friends who had no grandchildren or grandchildren they don’t see came.

It's perfectly normal to feel a sense of bereavement if you are at an age where grandchildren would normally be arriving.

Anyone saying the opposite fails to understand that that is the essence of life - survival of the species.

If it's any comfort, I didn't want children "ever" until I reached the age of 37 and had ticked most of my "to do's" off my list. It may still happen as it's the most natural urge in the world to be a parent or grandparent.

It’s funny because my mother would have felt this way had I not had children. She completely wanted GC and she loves talking about them to her friends. But then very rarely actually helps with them. Just 1 day each school holiday. While I’m struggling to keep things together pretty much 24/7.
In past generations families have helped eachother loads so childrearing hasn’t been such a difficult, lonely, expensive experience. Had I known how little practical help I would actually get with my children and how hard and isolating it would be, I’d probably not have had them. And my mother would have had no grandkids, which she would have been devastated about.

Life always looks greener elsewhere. Families are not what they were in previous generations.

I too would feel a bit sad not to be a grandparent. But id be happy if my children were happy. I know its not up to me if they have kids or not and very often people choose not to now days which I understand. I had 3 of my own and got to enjoy all of that. I'm grateful for that.

It's extremely self indulgent of you. Your children don't owe you grandchildren.

I don't think we'll ever be grandparents. One son is gay and his partner hates children, another son is autistic and never had a GF and the third one still lives at home and as far as we know has only ever had one GF and that was when he was still at school!

To be honest I am not that bothered. The world is a terrible place to bring children into at the moment.

My 2 brothers and sister chose not to have children it seems to be more common anyway my mum was sad but obviously as long as there all happily married all is good which they all have been for years. Me I always wanted children just didn't find the one I wanted them with until 10 years ago and now married with a bunch of them who are very much adored by all grandparents..I think the way the world is, finances, health issues put my siblings off.. fortunately I had a few years of working and saving behind me before I met my hubby so was good on that front as was he

I fully understand your feelings and admire your restraint. What I have learned in life (as a daughter, teacher, mother, grandmother) is that to enjoy what you’ve anticipated you don’t have to be blood related. Get involved as PP have suggested. Our NDN was a very kind and loving DGM to me. Two women in your situation were my babysitters/picked up from school and delighted in the role of DGMs to my DC who adored them. My DGS has adopted his bestie’s DGF to add to those he has!

It's okay to feel like that, as long as you don't let your DC know your thoughts. I never wanted children (I'm an only) and while I'm sure my DF at least would have loved gc neither of my parents ever said a word to me about it.

Your children aren't here to owe you grand kids. You're had your turn and that's that. But to say your life is meaningless is increasingly OTT and self indulgent. Would you feel the same if she was infertile?

You haven't 'lost' anything. You can't lose something you never had. Feelings of missing out? For sure, but to compare this to a bereavement is offensive.