Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

Are you and DH fit and healthy? Maybe consider being a foster carer or doing some voluntary work with children. It's obviously not the same and you will need to be clear in your head of differences but if you have something to give to a child and you want to give it; there are other ways.

I disagree with the apparent consensus that you shouldn’t say anything. If you think it’s a mistake by your daughter because she would be happier with children—and I imagine most of us with children would think this to be the case—then you should talk to her about it.

Somehow we’ve reached a place where it’s considered impolite to talk about this, but I don’t think that’s right at all. Those without children have an incomplete perspective and it’s the duty of the rest of us to help them see the full picture.

I would say just be happy for them that it means they may live a more comfortable and stress-free life with better wellbeing.

Being a parent now can be shit and exhausting. It often starts from the very beginning with crap maternity care.

Ha see i have the opposite view to you. We have 2 kids and we are telling childfree couples to not have kids.

Raising kids 30 years ago was completely different to how it is now.

Those without children have an incomplete perspective and it’s the duty of the rest of us to help them see the full picture.

This is so sanctimonious I’ve got secondhand embarrassment from reading this 🥴🥴🥴

As you acknowledge you have so many enjoyable and positive aspects of your life.Try and focus on the positives and appreciate and enjoy what you do have.
But you are allowed to be sad , I would feel sad too.
It sounds like you handled it really well when DDs told you.
Maybe they will change their mind,maybe they wont.
Its not within your control. It must be harder if your DF are constantly talking about their DGC.
I think its becoming more common for young people not to want DC. Perhaps in the past there was more societal expectation to become a parent but now there isnt.
In fact it seems very fashionable now to declare you wont have DC as you are worried about climate change etc.
It is also harder for younger people to get on the housing ladder and its extremely hard to survive on one salary, childcare is expensive and people have higher lifestyle expectations.
I have 4 young adult DC ,they all say they dont want children,variations of cant afford it,climate change and its too much hard work.
Perhaps I put them off parenthood!
Im hoping at least one or two of them will change their minds.
Your feelings will hopefully pass in time, enjoy your life as it is which sounds very blessed.

I’d feel completely the same OP. You did the right thing in keeping your feelings to yourself but I can totally understand your grief. (And I say that as someone who lost a sibling last year.) We are lucky to have a big family and I’d be gutted if my own children didn’t want kids. Having children for me is what life is all about and one of the best experiences in life so I’d feel sad that they wouldn’t get to experience this. And I’ve had a very successful career travelling the world, lots of friends and hobbies so I’ve been very fulfilled and privileged in life but family and children have and always will be my priority. If my kids didn’t feel the same way I’d respect their decision, you have to want to have children for the right reasons of course but would I be gutted? Absolutely

That’s the same view! That people should talk about it (albeit that we reach different conclusions). Though having said that, the anti- crowd do seem much less bashful about speaking up.

What I don’t think is healthy is the idea that it’s a matter of personal choice only, up to the point that it’s impolite for family to say anything one way or the other. That’s just leaving the floor open to all sorts of crazy ideas. It’s not like the decision gets made in a vacuum.

No amount of your proselytising would have changed my mind, I'd just feel embarrassed for you that you thought you had the right.
It's never a mistake to not have children if you don't want them, it's idiotic to say otherwise.

Good for you but do tell, how the hell could you possibly know what it’s like if you haven’t had any?

Sorry but I completely disagree I have children and I don’t see it as my place to be pushing my DC in any given direction. Open and honest conversations yes but ultimately it’s my job to help them make an informed decision not to tell them I know you better than you know yourself and you’ll regret your decision.

It's entirely a matter of personal choice, what the hell are you talking about?

Do tell? Like it’s some ancient lost wisdom 😂

Well, how could you possibly know what’s it’s like to not have kids if you have had some? Maybe that’s equally as amazing.

Because you’ve lived for 20 or 30 years first, before having your kids? Isn’t that obvious?

I think how you feel is completely understandable op, I imagine I’d feel the same. I agree with your approach to take your upset outwith your dd’s awareness - not to say you couldn’t share your thoughts later when you’ve processed them a bit, but I think it would be unfair on your dd to share your emotional reaction. But it sounds like you know - it’s their lives and completely up to them.

It’s just a different retirement to you to what you imagined, and there are pros and cons. I’m sure comparing with others, you’d love the fun. But I know many gps who dislike lots of childcare, being taken for granted, and the worries they feel about gtcs. Take time to process your feelings and see it all in a balanced way.

Society should definitely talk about it more. It’s society that gives a framework for children, to nudge couples into making these life choices. I feel modern Western society is very anti-child, tbh.

I don’t think it would have been helpful for my parents to talk about it beyond sharing family stories, because it invariably gets framed as ‘you don’t have all that much time!!’

I know my DMIL is gutted we aren't having kids but she thankfully doesn't mention it. I can understand sadness but surely you wouldn't want your children to make such a huge decision purely to make you happy? 25+ years of hard graft parenting (considering people living at home longer) when you have no personal desire?

My mum got pregnant and was too far along to abort. She did her best and I love her but unfortunately I was very aware of how difficult it was for her. I'm staying childfree because of that trauma and I am going to live the life she could have lived. She is my number one cheerleader for being childfree.

This.
Her DDs‘ decisions are completely outside of OP‘s control (and she clearly accepts that). But that doesn’t make this less devastating to her and it is perfectly alright to be sad / devastated/ upset.

The fact that (some) other users on this forum wouldn’t be sad in her situation doesn’t make her feelings any less valid.

Allowing herself to grieve is important.

I would feel the same op about the GC situation (feeling sad) but I wouldn’t feel my life was meaningless. It would be no more meaningless than it is now with a teen dc. I wouldn’t want my dd to have dc if they didn’t want to, but if they did (which they say they do but obviously can change) I would be delighted. I’d love to be a hands on grandparent.

I have found raising my kids utterly exhausting...even though they are the best humans in the whole world. They are still teens so might change their minds but I'm somewhat relieved they don't want children. There is so much i want to do in life which is hard when you have a regular commitment to a child. I would quite like a couple of black labs and a small but nice house where i have a vegetable patch, and to volunteer with the scouts, and to do some travelling and do a lot of hiking and pursue some other hobbies. I don't want to waste precious days out at peppa pig world.

But the full picture is that all the studies have shown that the child free, especially child free by choice, are rather happier than people with kids.

there is nothing entitled about privately mourning the future you thought you’d have. No one is owed children or grandchildren. It’s not a right, but it’s a joy many hope to experience.

But it's not anything like a bereavement. She should be happy she has children, and that they are hopefully healthy. That should be enough.

And grandparents have no rights so if even if she 'had' them who's saying she'd ever get to see them.

To live 20 or 30 years without kids AS AN ADULT, you’d be having kids at 38 or 48!

Most people live the first 20 or 30 years of their entire life without kids, I don’t see your point.

I’m saying, you can’t be 25 years into having children and compare it to people without who are in their 20s without children. Thats apples and pears. I’m comparing someone who is 60 with a 30 year old with someone who is 60 without kids. You can’t know how they feel AT THE SAME POINT IN LIFE AS YOU!

Theres no, I want my children to experience this joy etc just “I would feel a failure” and “I want grandchildren”.

Just because people haven't mentioned that, doesn't mean that they don't feel that way.
Personally I would never say that I wish my child free DD would have children because they're such a joy (though I occasionally think it) because I'm not naive enough to think that having children is a joy for everyone. I loved it, but I have friends who somewhat regret having children.