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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

295 replies

CMOTDibbler · 15/07/2025 14:55

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

OP posts:
CatsnCoffee · 16/07/2025 20:47

Usually, first year exams can be re-sat.

tinyspiny · 16/07/2025 20:52

Well done on getting rid of the gf at least then he may get out and about a bit with friends , is she going home or just going elsewhere ? Is he interested in going to a different uni and starting again or is that a non starter ?

WearyAuldWumman · 16/07/2025 20:58

As others have said, it's not so easy to get an apprenticeship. It might have improved, but when I was still working in secondary it helped if you knew someone who could put a word in for you.

1543click · 16/07/2025 21:30

Did he go to uni to please you in the first place? He may have been telling lies about what he was doing because he couldn't cope with the course and was scared of your reaction.
It's not a disaster at all or an embarrassment. University is not for everyone.
We have two family members who had to/ chose to leave after the first year. Both are doing really well. He has proved he can hold down a job. Support rather than anger is the way to go.

HAB75 · 16/07/2025 22:21

Did he want to go to uni or did you force him? It isn't actually the best start in life for people who aren't suited - he may have done himself a better turn in the long run, rather than limping through, hating the business end of it, and getting a shit grade.

But he has had a taste of work and seems to find it much more conducive. He needs to cut his losses and focus on that, so must find something permanent. And yes, work his way up from the bottom..

In our house I have two degrees and my DH left at 16. I think until our mid-forties our lifetime earnings were fairly similar. He then had a career break and bizarrely aged 50 I think not having a degree has probably affected him going back into work for the very first time in his life. Otherwise it didn't hold him back from positions of real responsibility and technical depth. Your DS cannot think about something that may or may not affect him in 30 years' time! He just has to get stuck in.

But no more lies. He is an adult and as one doesn't tell stupid lies to his parents. However, you must be honest with yourselves and ask yourselves why your DS felt that he couldn't tell you the truth. You must admit your part in this. Unless the answer is that he is a pathological liar, you took your part too. It's best to address this at the same time, or he will continue to pull the wool over your eyes when anything goes wrong in his life.

Lovetoplan2 · 16/07/2025 22:41

Support him - he's young - they all make mistakes. He probably feels bad enough already. And why take it out on his gf and remove that support from him as well? Give him time to recover from this and then be there to help him find a new way forward. The lies would suggest he does not feel comfortable with telling you unwelcome truths for some reason. Be kind and help him evolve.

Longingforspringtime · 17/07/2025 09:57

A very familiar story for me. DS also had a pregnant girlfriend. Years on, he has a very prestigious job, his wife of over 20 years also. Their DC has a Master’s. DS doing a part time degree paid for by his work so hopefully that will work out. He started at the bottom, making tea and filing. He’s been a huge success by sheer hard work. Your DS can do the same.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 17/07/2025 12:46

Well, not the update I wanted to give. After even more lies and deceit, he's run off to fly back with her. So fuck knows what will happen.

OP posts:
nongnangning · 17/07/2025 12:48

Oh gosh. More 💐

MounjaroMounjaro · 17/07/2025 12:54

He's just acting his age, OP, don't worry about it. He won't be able to stay there long. No harm will come to him there and pretty soon he'll realise it was a mistake. They are both immature - let them spend this time together growing up. They'll irritate each other so much if there's no one there to provide money etc.

Just don't make this easy for him. This is his time to think about how he's going to cope. He'll have to get a job - good luck with that when he doesn't have a working visa. Will she support him? Her parents won't be happy at that and it doesn't sound as though she likes working herself.

Just take a deep breath and look long term, when you will laugh about what an idiot he's been.

turkeyboots · 17/07/2025 12:54

💐 thats shocking. I hope hes thought carefully about immigration and his visa, his visit maybe shorter than he thinks and deportation will have lifelong consequences. Also he can't work and the US is fiercely expensive right now, so hopefully it all may splutter out when it stops being fun and reality sets in.

Lafufufu · 17/07/2025 12:57

CMOTDibbler · 17/07/2025 12:46

Well, not the update I wanted to give. After even more lies and deceit, he's run off to fly back with her. So fuck knows what will happen.

I've just seen this thread and was thinking i bet he runs off the GFs to hide from his problems...

Geographical fallacy innit?

Hope he hasn't left your DH too in the shit re the job.

And a big handhold for you this must be stressful.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 17/07/2025 13:06

We think tbh this was the plan all along that he would save up enough from working, then bugger off with her at the end of August.
I've done a lot of crying this morning, but at least I now know where he is and have stopped beating myself up and accepted that as an adult he can screw things up however he likes, and hope one day we will laugh about it.
He'll have to come back at some point as he can only stay 6 months on an ETA in Canada and his passport expires Feb 1st as well.

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 17/07/2025 13:14

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be very hard for you.

Thisismynewname23 · 17/07/2025 13:29

CMOTDibbler · 17/07/2025 12:46

Well, not the update I wanted to give. After even more lies and deceit, he's run off to fly back with her. So fuck knows what will happen.

I am so sorry to hear this, hopefully reality will set in when he doesn’t have any money to fund himself long term, you have done everything you can x

VeryStressedMum · 17/07/2025 13:42

Stormroses · 15/07/2025 15:20

Take a deep breath. He is working. Major plus. He has a girlfriend. Also a positive life stage. He is launching into adult life, but not in the way you assumed.

If this were my child, I'd want a very calm, very loving and thorough conversation about why he felt he had to lie to you, about A levels and again about uni. Does he think your love and support is conditional on academic success? I'd make it 100% clear my love had nothing to do with grades. And 100% clear that I believe success, happiness, stability in life can be achieved in myriad ways, not just via one narrow academic pathway. I'd listen to why he lied and ask how you can both avoid this in the future.

Then ask about his job, his girlfriend. Maybe suggest they give you some money towards CoL now he's earning. If you can afford to, put it in an account for him, for later.
Then just let him enjoy his life. So long as he's working, socialising and has some motivation for life, he's okay. A degree isn't for everyone. Better to learn that after one year than incur three years of debt, lies and lack of progression.

Edited

This is good advice

LIZS · 17/07/2025 13:46

I’m so sorry @CMOTDibbler. I don’t think he can work or study on an eta so hope gf can support him there.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 17/07/2025 13:47

We think tbh this was the plan all along that he would save up enough from working, then bugger off with her at the end of August.
I've done a lot of crying this morning, but at least I now know where he is and have stopped beating myself up and accepted that as an adult he can screw things up however he likes, and hope one day we will laugh about it.
He'll have to come back at some point as he can only stay 6 months on an ETA in Canada and his passport expires Feb 1st as well.

I think you're right to be philosophical about it. No point in even helping him with future plans now, I guess he's got to figure it out for himself. So long as you keep the communication channels open, just take a step back. Presumably he's formally withdrawn from Uni and there's no more fees to pay for anything?

VeryStressedMum · 17/07/2025 13:47

Holluschickie · 15/07/2025 16:47

Oh also I would be furious that this is the second time he's lied. Once I could forgive maybe.

Sometimes we need to think about why someone is lying to us in the first place.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2025 13:53

I read your first post, @CMOTDibbler, and I am sorry to read your latest update -that is a real worry for you. I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but all I can do is offer my support and encouragement.

It may be that this experience will be the wake-up call he needs and when he has to come back, he will have some sort of plan - maybe finding a job and then doing some training to allow him to progress in that career. University isn’t for everyone, and there are lots of good jobs that don’t need a degree, but will be fulfilling and will allow him to build a good future.

catlover123456789 · 17/07/2025 14:33

I am so sorry he has done this, abandoning his job too. I think you need to leave him be for a bit to figure this out himself, he is making bad choice after bad choice and the only way he will learn is if the safety net is pulled out.

RainyDayCoffee · 17/07/2025 14:38

Sorry to hear OP. Hopefully he will grow some brain cells when he is away. As a mother to a DD18 who is impulsive, lies and makes bad decision after bad, I totally feel for you.
My DD has been away for a few days after yet another fiasco of a situation. To be honest, I have used the time to chill and worry as less as possible about her.
I hope you can use the months he is away to focus on you. The only way from rock bottom is up.
Big hugs to you
Xx

angela1952 · 17/07/2025 15:27

So sorry to read your update, do you think her family will support them both? The authorities in Canada are not welcoming to people with no money or a job, I’m guessing they’ll ask for a Canadian address at immigration. Possibly even send him home.

tinyspiny · 17/07/2025 15:41

Sorry to read this @CMOTDibbler , sometimes young adults do act like big kids and yours seems to be doing an impressive job of it , This has obviously been the plan all along which explains him dropping out of uni / doing no work etc .

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 17/07/2025 15:46

I don’t think her family will support them - she doesn’t live with parents anyway, but obv he can give the address of the property she lives in. It won’t cost him to live there but she has no proper income and he’ll have nothing coming in.
Id have thought that someone with little money, a girlfriend, and no plans plus a short passport would red flag, but who knows. Up to him now to manage things

OP posts: