DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

I hate to say this but I think you will have to have a conversation about the girlfriend.My very naive son had his first girlfriend and she stayed with us for weeks on end-and he did everything for her Inc cooking,washing etc-she decided who they saw and what they did.she was very controlling-it was hard to watch abd I didn’t want my son to be upset or have a big family rift.She had really bad mood swings and woukd stop talking to him because of some perceived slight.One evening he asked her what she wanted to drink and she replied nothing and then threw her slipper at the back of his head.That was it for me-she was asked to leave-turns out my son was so relieved-he didn’t know how to extricate himself from the relationship-I might add that both of them although adults were working emotionally at quite a few years younger,hence the naivety on my sons part-just watch out for your son because of what you said it does not sound like a normal relationship at all and sometimes you do need to step in and say it!

I hate to say this but I think you will have to have a conversation about the girlfriend Why do you think that @Mollymalone123 ?

Gymnopedie

maybe but the way op talks calling him a dick, says she’s embarrassed, using the words sob story … whatever it is it’s not going to help any of them

Bad at studying but good at working is the best way round tbf. As PP says, he’ll be ok in life
Would be so much worse if he was good at studying and bad at working…. Then you’d need to worry!!

Wow, you are behaving so much calmer than my parents would have.

He’s done himself, and you, a favour. No point in you spending money and him getting further into debt when he’s not cut out for passing the course.

Obviously there’s the lying bit, that’s a breakdown in trust and unacceptable, but separate.

Do you charge him rent for staying with you? If not, start now. Then take things from there.

Tough, but fair, love needed. Maybe he would prefer a more practical route into work. An apprenticeship, working in a trade? You can help him with that. The girlfriend needs a little chat with - pull your weight around the house, find a temporary job. My son was a disaster through too many sixth forms, unis. Finally sorted himself out. Now home owner, married and working hard. It will get better, promise!

If he’s keen to work what about an apprenticeship

My nephew did this. He then told his parents that he was changing courses but never actually registered for the second, happily taking money from them for everything though as he pretended to be doing the course the next year.

Does he not want to try to find out if he could get back on the course or did he not like it? Most places will let them do this as they want the money. If he doesn't want to then it is obviously a waste of time.

Maybe there is an apprenticeship linked to something he enjoys that he could try for, though failing Uni exams and not doing coursework is not a good background for this.

So pleased to hear that you've managed to off-load the GF.

Tell him to get a job - Civil Service, working at your local authority, nursing ?

Good lord, OP; I would have totally lost my shit and insisted that anyone within screaming distance lose theirs.

I would tell him that 1) we would not be funding any part of it if he chooses to continue, and 2) that we want a payment plan to recover whatever we have spent on him. Once he gets a job, he sets up a direct debit for this, or he can find somewhere else to live.

I'm so fucking mad for you I could cry.

Yes I would also expect him to pay back something as he basically had you financially support him whilst he took a year off to enjoy himself .

Folks ... OP has talked to her DS and moved on.

So, GF goes in the morning. DS is sad about it but still went to work without issue.
We'll move on from here. At least he has 6 weeks in his summer job left while he starts applying for new jobs and working out what he actually wants to do.
Thank you for the support

I think it's worth him seeing if he can resit the exams with a view to leaving uni with a Level 4 qualification/ certificate of HE for the work he did in the first year. This is likely to be useful if / when he ever wants to do further university level study as it may allow him to start in year 2 of an alternative course. And it gives him an explanation for the last year for his CV.

It also worth him checking the financial position re further student loans as this can be tricky for people who fail a year. If he has a tuition fee loan that becomes liable for payment through his salary from April next year. (And yes, the possibility of somebody failing or falling ill and being unable to complete their course is a good reason for him to have taken the student loans rather than you pay - most of the loss of money could have been avoided. He may actually still be able to apply for student loans for last year which is worth a look).

He needs to think about his health / possible disability. Sometimes things like ADHD don't become apparent until somebody tries to do the less structured style of study at university. If that's a possibility it's useful for him to get himself onto the NHS waiting list which will be lengthy. He's also of an age where serious mental health symptoms can start for the first time eg. psychosis. And it's not unusual for students at uni to use illegal drugs or drink lots of alcohol. So unpicking what went wrong is important - did he just not care / was he unable to do the work or ask for help with it / did he overdo experimentation with drugs/alcohol?

If there's something complicated going on for him mental health wise, he may be as well looking to the voluntary sector to find a therapist as well as seeing his GP.

There should be local careers guidance services targeted at his age group that can help with job hunting/ apprenticeships / alternative study options (eg. part time at a local FE college whilst he works).

He and his girlfriend will have to do the work around visas to live in each other's countries and/or come to the conclusion that their relationship doesn't work longer term but they'll have to get there themselves.

If he's going to carry on living with you and working for a bit, you may need to rejig your expectations a bit - you're living with another adult who has the right to privacy for his personal life. Consider if the lying is because you were asking intrusive questions. Or if he doesn't see you as likely to be helpful in fixing the problem.

Well done @CMOTDibbler love how determined you are !

Glad you've made progress OP.

This. I don’t think he’s being completely honest about his situation.

You are so mad you could cry for a stranger over something that’s not that big nor really important in the grand scheme of things. Really?

Yes, it's not the end of the world. Dh scraped through the first year, funked up the second, restarted it and gave it all up. He's worked his way up through manual jobs in manufacturing to be a high earning production manager, no degree needed. University isn't for everyone and while it's a shame your ds was not open with you but he can find a job. Loads of graduates end up working in bars or coffee shops now straight after uni, a degree guarantees nothing.

I didn’t want to read and run, as I’ve read many of your posts over the years - so I want to say I think you’ve handled this admirably! I’m sure he’s a bright lad, who will do really well when he finds something he enjoys.

Me too. I went back to uni and did a post grad age 40-42 through work. Sometimes it’s just not right. My mum went nuclear and it affected our relationship. My dad gave me hugs and believed in me. That’s what I needed.

Does he know what career he wants to go into? If so then try and work backwards from there - does he need a degree for it? What subject has he been studying? He clearly hasn't studied so likely that he's not interested in it and should focus on other subjects. It might not be uni and just the subject itself, some people change subjects and flourish.

Perhaps consider a degree apprenticeship depending on what field he want to go into. They cover all your fees and pay you a wage, only one day a week in uni (most of the time).

Been there, got the t shirt as they say.. So so frustrating as a parent.. So damn annoying the waste of money... So hurtful the lies.... Not a lot you can do when you love them.
My advice would be let it go, keep loving them openly, try not to waste any more money on them than you have to... Easier said than done.
Then pray they will get back on track very soon... No guarantees.
We're all different, we all live our lives differently.
Even harder when your friends kids are doing well, ignore that if you can.
Just grit your teeth, love them and be there.
😬😬😬😬

if he does well working could he do something along the same lines as an apprenticeship so he could earn and it would minimise the studying side of things? It’s so tricky at this age, I feel for you x