DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

Time for gf to go home.

Uni is not for everyone - some people do better at work or an apprenticeshi.

The main thing is you need to talk to him, calmly. Find out what his plans are. You need to make be very firm about his GF going home at the end of August, that you won’t be having her around longer than that. Ask him what his plans for a long term job are. Make it clear you won’t be paying for anymore fees/accomodation but are happy to offer practical help and support. He needs to work this out.

If he lied etc about studying for A-levels, it was a terrible idea to encourage university. That's just racking up a pile of debt for nothing.

I think telling the girlfriend to give you space is a great idea.

Then tell your son you expect rent going forward.

Lots of wisdom from other posters here OP. I'm just reminded of the quote from some movie, "have you considered the possibility that maybe everything will turn out okay?"

Sorry, I think I've missed something Why can't he re-sit? I'm a uni lecturer, resits are always in August. And usually for first year it is pass/fail with pass grade 40%

@Cardiaga he can't go back, this ⬇️, is what he's told his parents

CMOTDibbler · Today 16:20
since he didn't submit some coursework,

So both dh and I have talked with him this evening and gf is being sent home on Thursday. We’ve told him we love him, that this doesn’t define the future, but he needs to take responsibility.

Oh, and whether or not he’s telling the truth about resits etc, he obv doesn’t want to be there, so I’m not pushing it further. Time to move forward instead to whatever path that is.

Well done CMOT this is so difficult

If he's doing well at work I'd encourage him to focus on getting more work. Maybe in a few years he can look at apprenticeships or in-work training, but some people just need a few years to work and grow a bit. Uni isn't for everyone, and if it didn't suit him it may have brought out the worst in him. You can definitely put a limit on it and say that was his chance to be financially supported, now he needs to contribute. It's not ideal and it must have been so frustrating to be lied to - but in terms of controlling the controllables, better to get him focused on moving in a positive direction.

Failing is its own punishment.
Working is good -even if not the long-term plan.

Going forward:
Perhaps he will find better jobs and work his way up. He might never go back to study.

On the other hand he might discover that working for low wages and having to obey an employer who won't accept excuses is really tough - much tougher than study- and that life would be better with a degree.

If he does - it is probably best that HE pays to get himself through that the first year. (You chip in for the next ones as you would have done if he had passed.)

A very productive evening @CMOTDibbler

Wishing you all the very best for the future 🌻

This. You bought him scooter ? He's got to get a job. The gf goes. I hope he pays his own insurance,...

OP - as soon as you said your DS had a GF from North America, I knew they would have met through gaming! DD has a couple of male friends who are in similar "situationships." I bet he's spent more time gaming than studying.

He's not planning on going to Canada on a young person's work visa, is he?

OP I think you've got yourself a Frock Lodger

😂

And all the people suggesting an apprenticeship. They are very hard to get. Not just the degree apprenticeships. Trade apprenticeships are very competitive.

I'm a graduate, I went to uni in the 80's when few but the rich went. I wasn't rich btw!!!

If I had my time again I wouldnt bother. I would get on a degree apprenticeship.

Just because he didn't pass his 1st year doesn't mean he won't graduate.

Yes be annoyed with him, but make sure he stays in work earning £. Help him work out what he should do instead of the uni course. Overtime get him to pay back for wasting your £ if that lessens your anger.

Great post @Stormroses My DD is working in a min wage job while her peers have just finished their first year of University. She has no firm plans for the future yet but I think she needs time. She has ADHD which was only diagnosed recently and it is clearly part of why she finds it difficult to make decisions or stick to plans. Although I initially worried that she was missing out by not going to University when her friends did, I now really see it as a blessing as it would have been pointless to pour our money into funding her through Uni unless she had a plan or at least an idea of where she wanted to head.

She has a lovely relationship, a job she is excelling at and enjoys, a nice group of friends, she is learning to budget, organise her time and her belongings (ADHD can obviously interfere with some of these skills), basically she is learning adulting! All of these are valuable skills for her future and I’m confident she’ll find a path that’s right for her. She is talking about possibly doing a vocational degree next year, for which she could live at home and we can support her. But yeah, some kids need more time than others for a variety of reasons.

It’s sounds like you’re approaching this in exactly the right way. And thank goodness the girlfriend is leaving!

All the people glibly saying “get an apprenticeship” do you know they are insanely competitive and far harder to get onto a good one than a university course?

The real brag now is your child getting one - far more impressive than getting into university

Have been in similar-ish position. I suspect it’s fairly common. This is what I’ve learned.

He’s an adult. You shouldn’t expect him to tell you everything. Or judge what’s best for him or whether he’s doing what you think he should do. As an adult, he has to make his own decisions and take responsibility for his own life and finances.

If he’s not been honest with you, do you think it’s because he worried you’d ’go nuclear’? He obviously shouldn’t lie, as it destroys trust, but he doesn’t have to tell you anything either. Adults are entitled to privacy from their parents. They’re more likely to be honest if they feel they won’t be judged or ‘told off’ like a child.

Did you agree his gf could stay? Or did he simply tell you she was? If the latter, he needs to know he should ask you if he can invite a guest to stay in your home for 3 months! If the former, then did you set expectations beforehand of what you expected of her as a longer-term guest.

To avoid viewing her as an extension of your DS, and risk treating her like a child, maybe think what arrangement you’d make if a friend of yours stayed for 3 months. What you’d expect them to do as a guest in terms of housework etc.

If you’re finding it a strain having her there, you should have a quiet word with your DS about this and try to find a compromise. Or ask if she could leave sooner. 3 months is a long stay. It’s your home. It must also be awkward for her being there when he’s at work all day. It’s pretty daunting to cook at a bf’s parent’s home.

If I’m honest, it sounds like you’re judging their relationship: him cooking for her, having no social life etc. That’s none of your business. As long as he/she does what you’ve asked as guests in your home, you should leave them alone.

If you feel he should contribute to bills, then work out how much you’d like and discuss with him. If you can manage without his contribution, IMHO maybe give him some time to regroup. Or (without telling him) pay his contributions into a savings account for him to use later.

If you feel he’s squandered your prior financial support, you could consider asking him to pay you back bit-by-bit. But if you can afford it, maybe write it off.

Why cant his successful work be permanent?

Are you forcing him down a path he's not cut out for for appearances sake

Just seen your update, OP - how did DS react to gf being sent home?

@CMOTDibbler

Which subject was he reading, OP?