DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

Let the boy work. Charge him rent etc. if push comes to shove he can go back to uni later not everyone needs a uni degree

I think he will be flagged at immigration particularly if he’s not bought a return ticket and has limited funds , he may well get turned back as it’s going to look like he will be looking to work .

Sorry missed the update in this case I would make sure he knows he can come home unconditionally then wish him luck! My DS was a complete idiot until he was 27…..

He's a Muppet then.

He COULD have saved up and applied for a young person working visa for Canada. He doesn't need a huge amount for that.

As it is, if he's traveling with her he's MORE likely to be stopped at the border and asked difficult questions about finances and intentions to work because he's now a walking red flag to immigration.

It's an overstaying risk and he's a working without the appropriate visa risk.

If he can't provide evidence of sufficient funds for the duration of his stay he may well be refused entry and sent back.

If he does get in and he over stays his waiver or violates it by working, he'll have ramifications for that for the rest of his life.

His actions make it MORE rather than less likely he'll end up coming home distraught that it's all gone horribly wrong somehow ...

You're justified in being angry but please don't take his "dickness" out on his girlfriend!
Too often we get treated badly because of our boyfriend choices!

My daughter's boyfriend didn't go to uni. Neither did most of his friends. At 27 they all have good careers - their friends who went to uni have struggled to find jobs.

A friend's so had no qualifications whatsover and started working in the local pub. He has gone onto their management training scheme.

You just never know.

Here's hoping they may not let him in. Such a worrying time for you. My eldest DD once disappeared for three years but did eventually surface OK.

If he is refused entry then I'd remind him that if he hadn't lied you would have been able to help him find out about working visa's, the importance of having enough money to support himself etc (presumably that's what you would have done?)

At first I did think you were being a bit UR because because he might have not told you about him failing in his studies if he thought you were going to be massively disappointed. I also understand how disappointed he would be if he thought he was doing well by at least working, and you then reneged on the plans to have his girlfriend stay...but, any ramifications from his last minute plans to run away are squarely on him. That's not to say don't welcome him to come home of course, young people make mistakes, especially when they are 'in love', but he cannot blame you for this rash decision he's made. He could have at least tried to talk to you about it, it's not as if you could actually stop him at his age.

Speaking from experience I'd say that it's almost impossible not to beat yourself up about it. Most parents blame themselves for everything that goes wrong even though logically we know that it isn't our fault and that we couldn't have done anything to stop him behaving like a wally anyway.
Try not to worry any more than you have to, it's not as if he's a silly 13 year old running away so he should be able to stay out of trouble.

I think all you can do is let him do it. Maybe if the gf had stayed in the uk he wouldn’t have reacted. But he may learn the hard way. At 18 love probably feels the most important thing. He will learn!

The fact that his passport expires beginning of February means that he’s limited to how long he can stay as need 6 months so presumably will be back in a few weeks?

Canada doesn't require 6 months, just that the passport is valid for length of stay.
BTW, if the GF had been one of my friends staying with us, she'd have been gone the first week for breaking the (few and very clear) house rules. And the conditions of her stay were made crystal clear to them both well ahead of time, so they both knew it would be found out at some point.

Which rule did she break?

Well, yes, in this case it was because he didn't want his parents - who had funded his degree - to know that he'd done no work at all.

@TheSquareMile I don't want to go into everything, but one (that was broken multiple times and when she was on her own) was vaping in the house. She was sitting in the bedroom vaping all day it seems by the absolute pile of disposable vapes and vape juice. Now some of it was probably ds too (he was def smoking cigarettes outside) but it stunk of vape outside the room in the day.
This is a hard line for me, I hate it and they had way more warnings than I would give anyone else. The room now smells strongly - its in the curtains and everything

@CMOTDibbler it's a lack of respect, really. You don't give multiple warning to people of that age. You state rules in your house. You can't demand respect, but you can demand your rules be followed. You must have consequences, though.

CMOT it is so upsetting that this has happened and you must be really fed up But one big plus is that you have now exported these annoyances to a completely different country! Canada can keep them for a bit (sorry Canada). Hopefully your DS will not be turned away at the border because then he will have to come back and mope about being separated from his GF. In a best case scenario he might be able to find a job of some sort and come back to get his working visa before returning. In the greater scheme of things maybe Canada will last longer than the GF as it is a great place

@CMOTDibbler you are probably right that this was his plan all along, and most likely you have simply pushed forward their plans. In one way this is no harm - at least you know now what you’re dealing with.
Hopefully Canada may pall quickly got him, especially without the comforts of home.
One thing that really stands out here is the ease with which he lies to you both. It’s quite extreme, and I know that most parents get ‘versions’ of the truth at times from their young people, but surely not to this extent.
Is there anyway you could address this level of deceit with him - what it’s motivated by, what he gains from it etc. Sounds like he and you both could gain from some professional support on this.
Obviously all contingent on him coming home, but I’m sure that will happen soon enough, when he realises the environment he has landed himself in.
Wishing you much better times ahead.

Ugh what a horrible update. He's really taking the piss.

This must be devastating and upsetting for you both. But you are doing all the right things. He has been abusing your trust. He needs to stand on his own two feet for a while. All you can do is keep the door open for him when he eventually returns which may be sooner than later.
At that point you need to set firm rules and boundaries and stick to them. It’s hard work but it will be worth it in the long run.
It is so disrespectful of him to flee the job with no notice. Your husband will be mortified and he’ll have no reference to take to another job.
He’ll quickly learn that the world does not owe him anything and may start to appreciate all you have provided. It will be a steep learning curve.
Just hold on to the fact that you love him and he loves you and this is a phase. In five years time he’ll be out the other side, a more mature and thoughtful person, hopefully.

Honestly, it's not a bad result OP. He's not skulking round your house stressing you out. He's making his own decisions and will be suffering the consequences without mum and dad running around mopping up after him.

He's safe and well. Enjoy your summer!

Naturally we cant know the full story but lying is an ugly trait that he must learn to recognise as something he wants to stop doing. Somehow he needs to grow up as it seems he didnt learn anything from A levels. For all those who just say he should crack on with working, this isnt a dichotomy of whether to work or study would be better. It seems that the young man makes unwise choices conceals them with lies and seems not to take heed until it is far too late. Whatever solution the dishonesty must be addressed because without learning it could easily happen in a workplace.

As for the gf, she needs to be evicted, sooner rather than later. Its nonsensical to accommodate her as she is seemingly part of the problem. Children need virtuous friends who challenge them to do the right thing when doing the wrong thing may seem easy. She was complicit in his deceit. I wonder how her own studies are going? Would she too be dropping out, or is she just greatful that their union saves her from having to go home or pay rent for the summer. As he isnt returning to uni theres a chance they will drift, so its a sacrifice for someone who may not be around in the long term and a plausibly bad influence on him.

RTFT 🙏

@CMOTDibbler

How is he going to support himself financially while he is there, OP?

I wonder whether he is going to stroll in at home next week and say that it was just an on the spur of the moment holiday.

I dropped out at 19 and eventually got MSc at 50
He may have been too embarassed to admit struggling but have other talents. Stern encouragement?