Son’s girlfriend stopped he did not ask. Quick advice

[Carol52]

Help . Our house has a annexe and last night was out sons prom. A few lads were stopping. This morning I have gone in and his girlfriend is obviously Upstairs with him. One mate had gone two downstairs.
i don’t really know his yo handle this he knows my views on her stopping.he stops at hers,
what has got me is he did not ask , his mates are here and I am disappointed at the lack of respect of not asking. Was this planned as all along. Please I need done advice on how to handle thid

He's 18, you allow him to stay at hers and it was in the annexe not even main house and after Prom. I couldn't get worked up about it.

Not sure what you mean.

I asked which region uses this phrasing.

How can you infer the region from the OP?

Ironic isn't it, that the poster referring to "basic comprehension skills" didn't comprehend the post he/she quoted?

Quite! I don't think it's my comprehension skills at fault, @CaptainMyCaptain...

For those saying it is hypocritical to refuse to let them share a room but let them stay together at girlfriends house, it is really not hypocritical. My son is 20. What he does at University and at his girlfriend's parents house is up to him( and them) but what he does in our house is up to us. No hypocrisy there.

Why does the region matter? Understanding the (non)problem in the OP is what matters and that is perfectly clear.

I asked a question about unfamiliar regional vocabulary.

You presumably misread the question and accused me of having poor comprehension skills.

And now you deflect with this.

Quite rude, and no apology forthcoming for your error.

Surely it's up to your son and his girlfriend, not you!

Yes this is what I don’t understand? When does it become ‘allowed’?

And if ‘not until marriage’ what happens if your adult children are already cohabiting with their partners (as 99% of people do nowadays before they get married)

I don't think I'm old fashioned about my children and their sex lives, but I am old fashioned about them asking if it's ok for their friends or partners to stay over.

Our belief is that sex is precious and not a recreational activity and that if you treat it like that and only have sex with someone you have committed to long term, it will save you a lot of heartache along the way. Our kids accept that we believe that and are fine with the rules.

If they decide to cohabit, that to me would be a sign of commitment. Interestingly, they are both at same Uni and there has been no talk of them sharing accommodation next year. I actually thought they might.

Missing the point.

The op is making a drama.

Think about how doing this pushes your son away. I remember how much this impacted friends relationships with their parents and how much they resented them for it.

You may not want them to have sex under your roof but realistically they are doing it whether it’s at her house, yours or somewhere else. Not sure why else you wouldn’t want her to stay but maybe think about how your son let her stay somewhere safe instead of sending her off to make her own way home, presumably late at night if it was following prom.

Contrary to a number of the posts, his age doesn’t matter. And nor does it matter what he does at his GF’s house.

The overarching point at any age is “her house, her rules”. If he’s not mature enough to grasp that, he’s not acting 18.

He’s 18. He stays at her house. What’s the problem? Believe me you get plenty of disrespect from teenage sons don’t go looking for it.

Obviously some of have better respect and morals than others it seems.

Don’t be so damn rude.
It doesn’t matter if this is a non issue to you, but Op is upset by this and that is OK. We are all different and all have our trigger points.
I’m sure there are things you get upset about in real life that others think are a non issue. Or are you miss positivity 100% of the time?

Very old fashioned but you do you. I would say if you go all guns blazing, be careful he doesn’t just go to girlfriends & slowly move away from you.

my mil made us sleep in separate rooms when we stayed with her & we were in our 30’s & living together at the time 🙄 first nail on the coffin & 20 years later, we’ve nothing to do with her ….

OP I hate to say this but he will likely move out ASAP and be desperate to get away. You’re smothering him, he is 18. It’s not disrespectful at all, he wasn’t even in your actual house.

If he 'knows your views on this" I would say you have already handled it
Hence the secrecy.

Look I get it, I had a very strict dad who had a complete blanket ban on sleepovers with BF’s no matter what the age (I’m talking like 25+). I’m with the same partner I was with at 16, so it’s not like there was a stream of partners. But anyway my opinion is that they will become sneaky and you will isolate them from your house, because she won’t feel comfortable. By the sound of it if there’s a few of them slept over then they’ve probs been pissed and fell asleep, but you need to decide how far you want to push this. I would just try and be quite breezy about it and just say to your son you’d like a heads up for sleepovers in future.

Again thanks for all the messages it’s a day in and I was waiting for a conversation but nothing from him. I was polite with his girlfriend always am but I would still like an explanation. I still think it would be respectful and if your children don’t have respect it leads to problems

Actually your are so far from it. He is going to a university not to far away so he can stay at home. So obviously happy!!

But it won’t last if you treat him like this. It really won’t OP, sorry. He will want some freedom and if you won’t give it he will resent you. Seen it time and time again (I used to work with young people).