Son’s girlfriend stopped he did not ask. Quick advice

[Carol52]

Help . Our house has a annexe and last night was out sons prom. A few lads were stopping. This morning I have gone in and his girlfriend is obviously Upstairs with him. One mate had gone two downstairs.
i don’t really know his yo handle this he knows my views on her stopping.he stops at hers,
what has got me is he did not ask , his mates are here and I am disappointed at the lack of respect of not asking. Was this planned as all along. Please I need done advice on how to handle thid

Very nice person obviously

Not sure what you mean

Because it’s common courtesy

Jokes aside I do think your house your rules.

It was disrespectful to sneak her in, when youd said no.

But he is 18, she is his GF not a random ONS and you risk pushing him away.

Id be picking the battle of not lying and sneaking around (opposed to the one of not having sex or GFs round) but if do think you should listen to his view on this to see if you can agree a compromise.

He's 18 , what is it that you're annoyed about? If he was 15/16 fair enough but not sure what the issue is? He didn't disturb you, it's his gf not a random one night stand ...will there be an age when it's ok?

How about "hope you all enjoyed prom?" and leave it at that.

He should have asked/told you but if they're going to pork they're going to pork unfortunately.

Who talks like this??? 🤢

Gosh! Been there, boy and man! Follow your own feelings and tell your son what those feelings are. If he is that grown-up, he can take a conversation like that with you. Complicated.

I think this person means that he feels he has to do this behind your back if he thinks your views on it are quite strong.

People’s views on these things are so varied that what seems totally normal to one person can seem very old-fashioned to another. I personally think a bf/gf staying over at 18 is fine if the young person is mature and well-educated enough about sex to handle it.

My parents were quite old-fashioned in their approach to sex in that they struggled to talk to me about it and the message (implied mostly as there was little discussion of it) was that it was ok in some contexts but could easily be a bit shameful as well. We ended up with a lot of uneasy compromise in that my boyfriend was allowed to stay over when I was in Sixth Form but they were also obviously uncomfortable with it - kudos to them for allowing it, I suppose, but I often think it would have been better if their discussions had been more open but that they had stuck to rules that felt more comfortable for them. I would, at least, have had a better understanding of the nuances of their thinking.

My parents were generally great but that lack of open discussion about sex did negatively affect my decision-making around it in my late teens and early twenties as I’d never had the opportunity to talk through scenarios in a safe way with a trusted adult. What I think I’m trying to say is that I think the communication around this is more important than the actual rule you have about whether or not his girlfriend is allowed to stay over. You may already have open and trusting dialogue with him, but if not then my advice would be to be as open as possible in your discussions with him (both advising and listening), as this is what will help him most to be sensible and safe about sex, both now and in the future.

I’m sorry but I think people are being mean for laughing at you. I have an 18 year old and I’m a very laid back mum but I would have expected to be asked. It’s respect

Your home, your rules OP. Good to see for a change.

Some are happy to let bf/gf sleep over, smoke in the home, drink etc, doesn't mean everyone should feel the same.

We weren't allowed full stop and I'm glad as it changes the family dynamic when there're younger kids in the house.

I'd ask why he didn't ask, don't be harsh but remind him of the rules in your home and to ask next time.
Then ask about the prom and move on from it.

He can have freedom and respect, not mutually exclusive.
OP knows he has a gf, hasn't forbidden it but expects to be asked first for sleepovers.

No wonder kids turn out to be disrespectful young adults when parents are afraid to discipline for fear of them moving out.

Get out if you can! I am 11 years in stepchild now 15 and it’s worse than ever!
The “baby mom” drama has gone from wanting to dump Him off as much as possible when he was younger to now on the phone 15 times a day ranting and raving wanting money none stop and demanded hubby “parent” as she can’t be bothered and don’t see why she should have to!

stepchild has zero respect for me our home and my children and regularly tries to shout and belittle me and I feel uncomfortable the whole time he’s here.

partners like ours seem to be oblivious to their children’s actions and cover it up as they feel guilty they aren’t with that child’s mother!

i thought it would get better and easier and it’s sadly been the opposite 😩

@Carol52
You never know what you’re going to get when you post on MN about older teens. There often seems to be the idea that it’s acceptable to track your 16 year old’s every movement but at 18 they are an adult and either expected to be completely independent or allowed to do what they want in the family home. Not to mention all the people who will tell you they were married with a child at that age!

How long have they been together? I think most people I know were OK with their older teens having their BF/GF to stay if they had been together a while but wouldn’t find it acceptable for them to bring ONS home. I think in your situation if your DS is going to be living at home whilst at uni, and that he has a room in a separate part of your house that it’s reasonable for this girl to stay with him.

@ForSassyZebra
I think you may have posted on the wrong thread.

What would you have said if he’d asked? There is an old saying that forgiveness comes easier than permission. He clearly thought that too.

Your house your rules. I say -

“ I appreciate it was prom last night and things might have gotten out of hand but if you would like gf to stop in the future I want to have a conversation first “ or “ I’m not comfortable with gf stopping over please don’t let this happen again “

He is 18??? This is a joke right?!?! He is an adult and can do what he wants surely. Why would he ask if he lives there? Why are guys ok but the girlfriend isn’t. You can’t surely be naive enough to think they aren’t banging each other to death???

Literally spat my tea out ! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
I couldn’t have put it better if I’d tried!
OP pick your petticoats up & unclench your pearls - yes it was disrespectful of him not to ask but does this really deserve the level of anger you are clearly feeling? Cut him some shack .. it was him prom !
oh & your daughter is 15 not 5! This was hardly Sodom & Gomorrah !

To be fair to you I gave my parents the heads up at this age but it was a heads up not asking permission. He's 18, not a child, not to be parented and he's not under the same roof as you if he's in an annexe.

I know a few mates who's parents were less relaxed on this kind of thing and probably wish they were more chill as their sons were just some secretive and less close to their parents

People being judgemental instead of helpful, as always!

OP
Oh goodness, I really feel for you—this sort of thing can catch you off guard and leave you feeling blindsided. Especially when it’s in your house, and you had a different understanding about boundaries. You're not being unreasonable to feel disappointed.
A few things to gently consider:
First—your feelings are valid.
It’s totally okay to feel a bit disrespected. It’s not just about the girlfriend staying—it’s about the not asking. That small act of checking in with you first is about respect and trust, not control. You're his parent, not a hotel concierge!
Second—this is likely teenage planning 101 (aka: poor planning + assumption).
Was it sneaky or just... teens being teens? Hard to say. He might have thought, “Well, Mum knows I stop at hers, and it’s prom night, and the lads are here, maybe it’s fine?” Not ideal thinking, but possibly not malicious either.
So—how to handle it?
Pick a calm moment to chat. Not in the heat of “I’m cross and disappointed” but once you’ve cooled down.
Explain your feelings, not just the rules. Something like:
“I was surprised and disappointed to find GF stayed without you asking. I’m not angry about the fact itself, but more that you didn’t show me the courtesy of checking in. It felt like a bit of a boundary-cross.”
Lay out expectations going forward. You might say:
“I’m not saying a hard no, but I need to be asked—not told—before people stay. And especially if others are staying too, I don’t want surprises.”
It’s about boundaries, not banning.
You're allowed to set rules that reflect your comfort level. This doesn’t have to become a standoff—it can be a moment of growing up for him, too.
And just to say—you sound like a caring parent who’s trying to balance being fair with sticking to your values. That’s not easy. Don’t let Mumsnet eat you alive today—there’s no manual for this stuff, and you’re doing your best

He maybe 18 but it's your house your rules. Whether he likes it or not, manners cost nothing. Does he work or pay board? xx

Very disrespectful. Should have asked you first. Is he trying to rule the roost and lay down the law! Similar thing happened with a divorced friend of mine's son years ago when he was 17.

She was very upset and annoyed with him and really put him in his place

I agree it was disrespectful not to ask you first. Have a talk with him and tell him how you felt.