Son’s girlfriend stopped he did not ask. Quick advice

[Carol52]

Help . Our house has a annexe and last night was out sons prom. A few lads were stopping. This morning I have gone in and his girlfriend is obviously Upstairs with him. One mate had gone two downstairs.
i don’t really know his yo handle this he knows my views on her stopping.he stops at hers,
what has got me is he did not ask , his mates are here and I am disappointed at the lack of respect of not asking. Was this planned as all along. Please I need done advice on how to handle thid

Think about it.

Someone with a username like Dogging Dave 🙄

What sort of explanation do you want? He is 18 and in a relationship. Also this respect you keep talking about, presumably that cuts both ways.
What is it exactly that you want from him? Other than not to grow up?

Yeah,the username @DoggingDave and a word like 'porking' sounds like a few men in their 50s and 60s I overhear now and again. They use terminology like this.

Porking is something teenage boys said in the 1970s and 1980s. Sadly, some of them are in their 50s and 60s now, and have not grown out of that immature, teenage boy phase. Grim. Especially when you think some of them may be married, and have children. 🤢 (And grandchildren!)

And the very idea of dogging..... 🤢

Your daughter is very aware that her brother is a young man. At least your son is safe at home; be glad of that. Ask them what they want for breakfast.

If anything I wouldn't want strangers staying in my house and as it's my house, I would expect to be asked first if someone could stay, male or female.

Oh my! You waited for him to speak to you? The passive aggressive manipulation! Awful

Treat him as your very much loved son. You want to be treated respectfully? Treat him with respect. Dont play mind games 🤮

Broadly speaking, raising children to be respectful of family & elders is a really good thing. Going too heavy on it leads to situations where 'trusted' adults can abuse their positions though.

Obviously that's not what's going on here, but DS is at an age where he's transitioning from 'respect has to be given' to 'respect is a two way street and needs to be earned if someone wants to keep it'.

You need to be clearer about what it is that you have a specific problem with, and articulate that very clearly to DS in an adult-to-adult conversation as he moves from college age to university age.

If the problem is that you hold some quite strict religious views about sex before marriage, but you're happy to shove your head in the sand and sing la-la-la-la-la if you know full well it's happening at his girlfriend's house/in a car/in a tent/behind the bins in the alley behind a nightclub then the most grown up thing would be to acknowledge that out loud to him, have a bit of a laugh about it, but restate very clearly that your own personal boundaries are that they are not to share sleeping space overnight at your house.

Thar would at least salvage some element of respect for you as the person who owns the roof over his head, pays the bills for living & education, and sets the rules in your house.

Of course, it will also mean you see far, far less of him over the next 3 years, and/or that they just sneak around when at your house anyway.

And when will it be ok to have a woman sleep in his bed at your house? As soon as he gets the mystical piece of paper that says "Marriage Certificate" on it, does that suddenly make it ok for him to have headboard-banging, scream out loud sex in your house?

I'm poking a bit with the above comments, not to be mean, but to push you to challenge yourself about what it is you're not actually comfortable about. You're likely to retain far more respect in this relationship with your adult DS if you van confront your own inconsistencies honestly!

Unless they have EXTREMELY strong religious views, 18 year olds are going to find a way to have sex. It's far better to focus on that being consensual, safe & healthy than pushing them out of your everyday life because you'd prefer to pretend that they aren't.

Maybe it was a last minute decision, and you might never know the truth - think maybe you should accept that. However, you could gently remind him that you prefer/request advance notice of sleepovers but understand that sometimes things do change at last minute.

My childrens' partners (DD 18 and DS 23) are allowed over - a) because I know where they are, and b) it develops further trust and bonding between our children and us. My partner though would never allow his 24 yo DD to have her bf stay at their house, so had a lot of acclimatising to do when at mine.

Yes when people say things like ‘until we were married my parents made us sleep in separate rooms when we stayed over. We lived together at this point but we respected their rules in their home’

If my parents did this I would respect their rules by just never coming to stay over.

Very good point 👌

Thanks I am overwhelmed with the replies some are really great advice other are nasty. But it gave me thought

I had a LDR at 16 and whilst my bf was allowed to stay over we had to sleep separately (which we respected as I had younger siblings) but did that in any way stop us from having sex? Absolutely not... 😱

That said when I was 22 and living with a bf they stillw.ousknt allow us to sleep in the same room....despite the fact we literally lived together...

Personally I can't wait for the day I have my own house and if they stay over get to say they must sleep in separate rooms... (My house...my rules 😉🤣)

I've been with my current partner 10 years and I'm 38 and tbh I would probably expect they still wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed...🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

(An no they're not in anyway religious maybe a little old fashioned though)

I'm sensitive who's in my home. Would be surprised at least. You want to prepare clean sheets, nice towels , all that. To be a decent host.

Actually it was the situation not how by relation

He's 18. In an annexe.
You'd made your feelings clear, which is why he didn't ask. But why should he? It's his house too and he's an adult.
You're being ridiculous.
You're saying he had no respect, but where is your respect for him? You're treating him like a child.

No I am not just asking him to be respect fil . But we have talked and we are fine