Son’s girlfriend stopped he did not ask. Quick advice

[Carol52]

Help . Our house has a annexe and last night was out sons prom. A few lads were stopping. This morning I have gone in and his girlfriend is obviously Upstairs with him. One mate had gone two downstairs.
i don’t really know his yo handle this he knows my views on her stopping.he stops at hers,
what has got me is he did not ask , his mates are here and I am disappointed at the lack of respect of not asking. Was this planned as all along. Please I need done advice on how to handle thid

Why not just say "slept over"

With respect Carol, I think you’re being a bit old fashioned. He’s an adult, he’s in a relationship. Don’t be that parent. It’s an annexe, he had friends/girlfriend over. I agree he should have asked and checked it was OK first but you probably would have said no if you were honest. Give the lad a break. It’s a safe space for them and you should be glad that they’ve got that.

My mum was like this. It’s really unhealthy. I’d be more concerned that they have iron clad contraception to be honest. The way you’ve gone on about it, you’d think he was 14!

Well it obviously means staying or sleeping, it will be a regional saying, did it make the op post difficult to understand?

I think you’re being unreasonable, because of inconsistent messages.

If you’re okay with them spending a night together at her house, then they ought to be able to also stay with you.

If you’re not okay with them spending a night together at your house, then they ought not to be able to stay at her parents house.

I hope you have had a conversation about birth control with your son, and that you take a more consistent approach with him from now on.

It’s not unreasonable for you to protect your daughter, so definitely have that discussion with your son; not in front of his girlfriend or friends.

Sounds like you have been a bit shocked, OP, I don’t think you should be ridiculed, but it is quite normal now I would say. My sons are early twenties, it’s a whole new parenting journey. DS1 girlfriend who’s 21 regularly stays with us.

Agreed, give him the right of passage to grow up fgs (if she is his serious girlfriend, and he is 18). DH's parents were like this, and now are estranged. I do realise that this is extreme circumstances though, and a lot more than just this one factor.

My feeling is that it is your house and your rules. I have 3 kids aged now 18-22 and they know that until they are in a serious, committed relationships, their partners can stay but seperate rooms. They have never objected to this as they know that we have strong beliefs on this matter.

It is an issue if OP has previously said the girlfriend cannot stay over.

You are OK with shenanigans under the girlfriend’s roof, but not yours ?
eh ? Don’t get it ??
younger child ??
different rules for different ages, that is the way of the world 🌍!!
it was prom night -
hope they had a fab time, don’t spoil it OP !!

It's a regional word for staying over. "I stopped the night at my boyfriend's house".

Do you really not realise this or are you just being sarcastic?

"He knows my views on this" is the important bit, if he knows you don't want her staying over at your house and he's had her over anyway, then yes, you do need to have a chat about it. Don't worry about the cool mums who wouldn't be bothered at all by their 18 yr olds doing whatever they feel like in their houses. They obviously run different households to yours and it's okay for people to have differences.

However: you'll need to accept that he will be spending the majority of his time at her house, if that's the only place they can be together.

If this would bother you, then you might want to consider allowing them some time at yours.

What are you more angry about? That she stayed the night? Which would be very hypocritical if you let him stay at hers. Or that he didn’t ask and snuck her in? Would you have said yes if he had asked? Was he specific in who was staying over(names,numbers etc)? Or did he just say some friends /people ?

With my DS I asked him to ask every time he had someone over, even his GF, it’s courtesy to ask. DH sleeps naked and we have doors open as our dog roams around at night, so we did ask for a heads up first, even if it was late notice.

Nope I understand you on this. When I was at home in my early 20’s, I had younger siblings too, and I generally respected that they didn’t want me having my boyfriend stay over (chilling in my room was fine).
One time I disrespected them and snuck him in and got “caught”. My dad calmly told him that he needed to leave, and when he was gone, he told me he knows that I am an adult, and if I want to do adult things then I can book a hotel or go to their place. Heck, even get my own place.
It my be old fashioned, but you’re not being unreasonable.
If I can listen to “no shoes in my house” then I can listen to “no sex in my house”.

If its an issue of just being old fashioned wouldn't him staying in her house also be an issue for you? Or if its something to do with your younger child presumably they are unaware of the gf staying if they were in the annexe?
I think the situations happened because its not clear what the actual issue is tbh, if he's thinking 'oh mum doesn't want her on the house so it's OK to crash in the annexe'. If the issue was you don't want them sleeping together that would be clearer but it's not that as you are fine for him to sleep with her elsewhere. You don't seem clear with yourself why you don't want it just that you don't, so he probably thinks there isn't an issue as she wasn't in the house. You will need to be clear with him

I would advise you to do absolutely nothing.

Honestly, this. It's just common courtesy. A text msg is sufficient, but you need to say something. He isn't the only person living in that house.

My husband is German and gf could be in for an eyeful on a 30 degree morning like we're currently having if we don't know we have visitors.

And in case anyone wants to willfully misinterpret my previous comment: I'm saying Germans would be naked all the time if they were left to their own devices. Nothing more. 😆

It’s his house too. What is the reason for your objection?

Why is someone setting rules for their own property something to ridicule them for? Smoking and drinking are legal and I don't think people would be so dismissive if an adult ds broke either of those rules.

And accepting that as an adult he can choose to sleep with her at her house has nothing to do with having a rule that it doesn't happen at the OPs house. Accepting the 1st doesn't imply any inconsistency with the 2nd.

Yes your son was disrespectful to have people staying in your home without your permission. Yes he was disrespectful to deliberately go against your house rule about his gf sleeping over.

When he had his own home he can.l8v3 as he chooses.

To be fair it is the op house, she can have a say who stays/visits it.

He is 18 and she is an established girlfriend who he stays with, I don’t really see why you are objecting to this.

When my daughter goes out (age 17) I always make sure her and her friends are travelling home together or getting lifts together. I wouldn’t want any of them heading home by themselves. If your son was coming back with friends then it makes sense, in terms of safety, for her to come back with them.

Read the thread.

Storm in a tea cup. Really don’t understand why you’re incensed by this.

My parents had your view of this topic when I was 18 and as a result, I had a lot of rushed sex in random places (with my first committed boyfriend). It would have been a lot less risky if they had been sensible (and accepting) about the fact that young adults want to have sex.

I can just imagine the cold sweat you went into when the penny dropped what MN could make of your previous comment 😆