Son’s girlfriend stopped he did not ask. Quick advice

[Carol52]

Help . Our house has a annexe and last night was out sons prom. A few lads were stopping. This morning I have gone in and his girlfriend is obviously Upstairs with him. One mate had gone two downstairs.
i don’t really know his yo handle this he knows my views on her stopping.he stops at hers,
what has got me is he did not ask , his mates are here and I am disappointed at the lack of respect of not asking. Was this planned as all along. Please I need done advice on how to handle thid

Two I think, this would have been a strong reaction in the 90s, but not in the 60s.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this due to their ages, but your house- your rules.

Talk to him about not respecting your rules.

The first time I stopped over at my exes I was 17 and he was 16, we’d both got into a night club and had been drinking the night before. His mum burst into the bedroom the next morning with 2 glasses of water and some paracetamol and yelled that she’d hoped we’d used a Jonny! 😂😂

At least two generations I think. I have grandchildren that age.

I'm not commenting on whether you want to allow it. That's up to you. If you don't want it to happen tell him. What's the problem?

Snap! Cross posted!

Even though this is not an AIBU, I am giving you a YABVVU.

It's your house so your rules but I'd tread lightly with the 'disappointment'. Pick your battles and reconsider whether this one is worth having. If he's been working hard at school, does his share of chores around the house, doesn't take drugs and is usually well mannered towards you then you're doing brilliantly on all the important things. Don't put a spanner in the works by making an undue fuss about this incident.

My mum would have charged in and went off her rocker at that age with me…. As a result I lied constantly and was very good at being very sneaky. My boys r too young for this situation yet but I will try my best to speak to them openly and not have them feel they need to sneak around. Be careful how u go with him over it id say. I’m in my 30s and often still lie as I cba listening to my mothers opinions on what I should n shouldn’t be doing as an adult

I think I’d talk to him about it but not aggressively. If several were sleeping over it’s different, and it also might have been safest. Maybe they didn’t have a safe way to get her home, maybe they weren’t thinking it through, maybe she didn’t want to sleep in the living room with the boys.

I don’t think your rules are too unfair - I wasn’t raised that it was okay until I got engaged, and I’d want it to be a really serious relationship. But I think you can make a set of backup rules for if you’re asleep or it’s too late for her to go home - can she sleep on the sofa? Can he sleep on the sofa and her in his room? Doors open rule? You can be sex positive without wanting every person your kids date sleeping over! They can get a hotel or AirBnB if they need to, or get creative like teens have for thousands of years.

It’s okay to set your boundaries but I think you can be firm and reasonable. On another day I’d also let her know your boundaries.

So an adult. Unclench, no big deal.

But he is staying at his girlfriends, so is it out of sight out of mind ? His sister must know about boyfriend/girlfriends and hes a young adult you can't shield her forever.

Oh give over. He's entitled to a sex life at 18! He's an adult FFS.

Is it him having sex with his girlfriend that upsets you or doing it in your house? I presume that they would all have been at the prom together so it just seemed natural to invite his girlfriend back with his other friends. It probably would have seemed rude not to invite her if she is friends with them all as well.

You mentioned your daughter. Was she in the annexe too, or in the main house?

If you’re that old fashioned you wouldn’t let your son stay over hers…

Once she's gone home you say "I hope you were sensible and used contraception".

I’d imagine there’s a point (definitely 18) where she can say she doesn’t like it but can’t forbid it!

@Surroundedbyfools I was exactly the same with my mum right up till she died aged 80! She was very uptight.

Youngest dd (now 21) was definitely not affected or traumatised by the then adult members of the family having partners stay over.

I just wouldn't mention it.

What does stopping mean?

I started dating my first serious boyfriend at 19, my parents wouldn't allow us to share a room. He could stay over and I could stay at his, but no room sharing. Now, being a resourceful couple of 19 year olds, he'd sneak into my room whilst staying at his, and I'd sneak into his at my parents!! It didn't stop us from having sex and neither did it hinder it really. We went along with the rule on the surface, but just snuck around rather than being upfront. My parents are in their 80s now, and so I understand they were from a different generation. I could understand your rule if your son was 16, but he's 18 and legally an adult, plus he stays over at his girlfriend's house. All you need to say to him is: Tom, if you'd like Laura to stay over in future, please could you ask me first? He probably didn't ask, because he knew the answer would be No!! With to regards your daughter, how old is she? Going forward, you will need to be accepting of her having a boyfriend stay at 18, if you do decide to allow your son and a big discussion regarding contraception/consent. Personally, I wouldn't have an issue at 18, as long as it's a long-term relationship - I wouldn't want my son bringing random one nighters home.

Pull yourself together Carol. He's 18, not 8.

It's obvious from the first post.

I've always wondered about this. I mean your son could have been having his male mates stay over for years and you've not been bothered, but in fact he could be bisexual and been sleeping with them on said sleepovers all that time. Same goes for your daughter and her female friends.
Is it more to do with pregnancy?
Or are you bothered about what others might say?
You have every right to set the rules in your house, but just have a think about why. You don't want to push your kids away, and they WILL find somewhere else to go if you do.💐

I mean, bloody hell

I've never heard of stopping before. Can someone explain.