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Original poster

Daughter in law issue

447 replies

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:00

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 19/12/2024 09:10

Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
You don't really like each other. That'll be the reason.

MintTwirl · 19/12/2024 09:16

Why is it your daughter in law that’s the issue when your son is the one who didn’t bother to respond to you at all? I hate it when MIL try to excuse their sons, he is an adult, he would have replied to you if he wanted to do so.

Original poster
Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:47

I'm not trying to excuse my son. He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages. .Anything I say to him goes straight back to his wife. He never seems to have a mind of his own.

OP posts:
Lackinginspiration1 · 19/12/2024 09:53

this is 100% a son issue. He should be handling communication with you, not his wife, and he should be making sure that she feels comfortable when spending time with you. Clearly he does neither so that’s why they spend more time with her family; it’s only natural that she’d be putting the effort in to facilitate that. If you want to see more of them then you need to work on your relationship with your son and leave the DIL out of it!

oh, and you mentioned how you used to jump at the chance to go away with your parents, but did you ever go away with your in laws?!

WiseLurker · 19/12/2024 09:56

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:47

I'm not trying to excuse my son. He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages. .Anything I say to him goes straight back to his wife. He never seems to have a mind of his own.

So your son has a terrible habit of ignoring your messages, and you blame your daughter in law for it?

Rightio.

Stillherestillpraying · 19/12/2024 09:57

Your son is hen pecked. He needs to find his own mouth (and his balls).
Sorry OP, your idea does sound lovely. I have great memories of holidays with GP too.

2chocolateoranges · 19/12/2024 09:59

At least your dil responds to you, your ds not responding is rude.

im sorry but I wouldn’t go away for a break with my in-laws and dh Would ignore the question (hoping it would go away) and leave me to handle it too. I love my dh and love spending time with him but I don’t want to be holidaying with his family.

OhBling · 19/12/2024 10:02

Yes, your son is the real problem here.

I do think nonetheless that both your DS and DIL are being astonishingly rude. I have no idea what your overall relationship with the is like but in light of the fact that you look after your GD once a week, I have to assume it's broadly quite good so to simply ignore you like this is rude. Even if you are, for example, one of those MILs who can come across as a bit demanding, it would still be on them to respond politely but firmly.

When your DS/DIL picks up your GD, can you not talk to them about it? Do you ever spend time with them outside of quick drop off/pick up? That's usualyl when we, as a family, discuss things like this - "shall we plan a weekend away together? What sort of timing would work best for everyone...." and then someone goes away and does the actual planning based on whatever general agreements were made on the day.

Elizo · 19/12/2024 10:03

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:00

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Is he your only DS? It’s a shame they are not up for it but that may change with time. It did for me and my mum and sister. I don’t think pressuring them is a solution. Keep asking but don’t show you are upset. My mum used this approach and eventually we wanted to go very much. Keep trying to build your relation with DI and the wonderful weekly time you get with GS. Many don’t get that!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/12/2024 10:03

Stillherestillpraying · 19/12/2024 09:57

Your son is hen pecked. He needs to find his own mouth (and his balls).
Sorry OP, your idea does sound lovely. I have great memories of holidays with GP too.

I am sure my in laws think this about my husband but the reality is he’s just crap at replying/communicating/organising things and I don’t see why I should pick up the slack! If you have an issue you need to take this up with your son not your DIL.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 19/12/2024 10:10

Yep @YaWeeFurryBastard same here. I said when we got married I wasn't doing the wife work and I meant it. Means we rarely see DH's side of the family because he is shit at organising stuff. It's a shame in some ways, but if he was bothered he'd do something about it, wouldn't he?

This is 100% a son problem.

Lackinginspiration1 · 19/12/2024 10:11

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/12/2024 10:03

I am sure my in laws think this about my husband but the reality is he’s just crap at replying/communicating/organising things and I don’t see why I should pick up the slack! If you have an issue you need to take this up with your son not your DIL.

Show quote history

I second this- I get on fine with my in laws but refuse to pick up all the slack from my husband who doesn’t bother communicating with them unless he needs something. it’s frustrating always having to remind him to respond to their messages. I know they are grateful for what I do do though, or they’d never see or hear from him at all!

Original poster
Carleajam · 19/12/2024 10:11

I agree to a certain extent but if I push my son for an answer I know I will just get he needs to check with his wife. I'm scared to say anything to him because everything I say goes back to her

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 19/12/2024 10:12

They both sound rude, but I agree that your son should be the one most in line for your frustration rather than your DIL. At least she replied.

Call your son and explain how his lack of communication makes you feel. Tell him why you would like to spend a weekend away with the 3 of them. Offer to be flexible with timings, locations, fit in with their arrangements and needs if it is about you all spending time together.
Be clear that you find him ignoring you rude.

Don't lay this on your DIL if you have no reason to believe she is controlling and limiting your son's relationship with you. While that's a possibility, it's more likely that he is lazy.

Lackinginspiration1 · 19/12/2024 10:12

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 10:11

I agree to a certain extent but if I push my son for an answer I know I will just get he needs to check with his wife. I'm scared to say anything to him because everything I say goes back to her

That’s great, it sounds like they’re a really good team in that respect then!

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 19/12/2024 10:12

Not sure why OP is blaming the DiL instead of her 'under the thumb' son.

If your son wanted to, he would. If he wanted to contact you or holiday with you, he would. Seems they're happy to use you for childcare but nothing else.

I wouldn't go on holiday with my parent or in-laws if you paid me 🤷‍♀️

Cynic17 · 19/12/2024 10:14

They (plural) don't want to go but, unfortunately, they are not sufficiently assertive to just say that in a clear and simple way. Most families don't do these kind of holidays, so it's perfectly normal.
Probably best to just stop asking them, and then the pressure is off all of you.

Elizo · 19/12/2024 10:14

It’s not going to be a fun trip if he/ she doesn’t want to. One thing that worked for a friend was her DH and children went to stay with in laws and she got a break. What about that? I don’t think you can assume everyone will want to go away together or that they should. It’s nice imo, but it is a choice.

Flossflower · 19/12/2024 10:15

Maybe they don’t like going on holiday with you. Maybe they find your company overbearing, We have 2 adult children and we look after all our grandchildren at least once a week. We have paid for joint holidays which everyone has gone on but we are very careful to go out on our own for a few days of these holidays to give them some time without us. They also get babysitting. It has to be worth their while to take annual leave. I would never have gone on holiday with my parents as they would have wanted to be together the whole time.

jackstini · 19/12/2024 10:15

They don't want to go away with you

You might think it would be nice. They obviously do t but are not sure how to tell you - sorry

Seems like they are happy to use you for childcare but not spend time with you

MaltipooMama · 19/12/2024 10:16

Lackinginspiration1 · 19/12/2024 09:53

this is 100% a son issue. He should be handling communication with you, not his wife, and he should be making sure that she feels comfortable when spending time with you. Clearly he does neither so that’s why they spend more time with her family; it’s only natural that she’d be putting the effort in to facilitate that. If you want to see more of them then you need to work on your relationship with your son and leave the DIL out of it!

oh, and you mentioned how you used to jump at the chance to go away with your parents, but did you ever go away with your in laws?!

Edited

The last part of your post... I was wondering that too.

Tbf as an adult now I wouldn't relish the prospect of going away for a break with either of our families, we all get on great but I find these sort of things really overwhelming as you're in each others pockets and you don't get the space to decompress.

My partner's parents recently invited us for something similar next year and I'm more than happy for partner to go along with our little boy but I will be seven months pregnant by then and the thought of going would fill me with dread 😂

NZDreaming · 19/12/2024 10:21

@Carleajam you've made the offer, if your son hasn’t replied then I’d take the hint and presume it’s a no unless you hear otherwise. The fact you know there have been previous instances of you making your DIL feel guilty would imply that you are very open about your disappointment in these situations.

I love my MIL, she’s laid back and very easy going, happy to see us whenever, have been on multiple holidays together because there is no pressure. My DM however has a habit of always wanting to make plans, making us feel guilty if we’ve not seen them recently, incessantly asking us to stay and ultimately it puts so much pressure on the situation it makes me and DH feel obligated to do things rather than actually wanting to. its worse since she’s retired as she seems to have completely forgotten that time off is precious and weekends are short. It’s more enjoyable spending time with family who don’t put pressure on things.

It’s great you want to spend time with your family but you need to temper your expectations and not lay blame at the feet of your DIL. Your son is capable of making decisions and speaking to you, hopefully they make choices as a family so it’s not her hen pecking, just a decision they’ve made together. You need to accept that and stop trying to imply your DIL is dictating when it’s more likely your don agrees with her but doesn’t have the courage to be upfront with you about it.

Schoolchoicesucks · 19/12/2024 10:22

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 10:11

I agree to a certain extent but if I push my son for an answer I know I will just get he needs to check with his wife. I'm scared to say anything to him because everything I say goes back to her

Well of course he would need to discuss with his wife, to check that dates, locations etc are convenient for them both, she'd have to request time off work etc.

What are you worried about saying that will "get back to her"? Unless you are planning to criticize her (if so, why?) then this shouldn't be an issue?

Ladamesansmerci · 19/12/2024 10:24

Carleajam · 19/12/2024 09:47

I'm not trying to excuse my son. He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages. .Anything I say to him goes straight back to his wife. He never seems to have a mind of his own.

He does have a mind of his own. He's a grown adult. You're his parent, and he needs to take more responsibility for communicating.

They might not want to holiday with you and would prefer to use their annual leave differently.

It's a lovely invite, but it's okay for them to say no too.

lionloaf · 19/12/2024 10:24

You don’t really get on, so it’s not surprising that she doesn’t want to spend a weekend away with you.

Why do you want to spend a weekend away with someone you don’t get on with? Is it just to keep up appearances?