Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

It’s not about expectations at all! It’s about male behaviour.

My mum lived in fear of this happening to her as she watched her brother’s very distant relationship with their parents play out over the decades. Then my brother grew up and, sure enough, treats her like a second class citizen compared with his wife’s family. It’s horrible to see.

You don’t like your daughter in law, clearly, and are blaming her for your son’s behaviour. She probably doesn’t like you either as a result. Of course she doesn’t want to go away with you. Take the hint!

I think your son is the issues.

I do not have low expectations for my sons, we are very close, i just no that when he has a wife and that wife has a baby they will spend more time with her mum than they will me

Where did OP say it was her dil's responsibility to answer all messages? 🤔

OP, just ask them when you are all face to face.

Stop blaming the wife, your son is using her as an excuse because he doesn't want to give you the straight answer which is:

(I'm on the other side of these kinds of invites so I can almost guarantee it's this)

He doesn't want to go. Neither of them do. It feels ungrateful because you've offered to pay but free time off work is precious, a whole weekend with the in laws is too much exhausting small talk, and going away with a toddler is hell.

OP, would you have also jumped at the chance to go away with your in-laws when your children were younger?
You said you would have if your parents had offered, but you've not said if it worked both ways.

You shouldn’t need to do this but I wonder if you offered to babysit one night during the suggested weekend so they could have a meal out this may motivate your son somewhat? Then you get to spend the rest of the weekend together and have time with your grandchild.

Where did OP say it was her dil's responsibility to answer all messages? 🤔

The title of her thread only blames the dil when she was the only one who actually bothered to respond when her own son hadn't bothered.

I'm honestly sorry that your brother treats your mum so poorly.

I don't think we should normalise or accept this as normal behaviour.

This is down to your son. He is an adult with a mind of his own. To ignore your message is rude and bad mannered.
My in laws were a pain in the backside but I always made them welcome and accepted invitations from them with good grace, because after all they were DH's. family. DH would have ignored me if I'd tried to control him like you say your DIL controls your son.

She's says her son doesn't answer any of her messages and then goes on to say this is because he is under the DIL's thumb.

It's literally there in black and white that she is blaming the DIL for the son not replying.

Go back and read her posts.

Why are posters saying the OP is 'blaming' her daughter in law. She hasn't said that at all. She is frustrated at the situation and is asking for help in how to address it.

I hope they prove you wrong and that you continue to play a close role in your son's any any future grandchildren's lives.

Because her posts says that her son doesn't answer her texts, because he's so under the DIL's thumb.

In the OP

I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.

And in a comment shortly after

I'm not trying to excuse my son. He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages.

FFS yet another mother blaming the woman in her son's life for controlling him. If you genuinely think this is true the question you should be asking is why did you bring your son up to be so wet?

I bet you would soon get a reply if you said you couldn't do the childcare any more.

So you are blaming the mother for having a 'wet' son. Irony.

Your sense of expectation comes through your message. You see them doing things were her family and want them same. But building that relationship takes time.

You don’t sound like you like your Dial all that much and the relationship comes across as one of family obligation not mutual respect. I wouldn’t want to holiday with people I had that relationship with.

Change the relationship and maybe this stuff will come with time.

How did you respond to the “we'll think about it” message? A breezy “no worries, I’ll be booking by x date so just let me know” or have you not replied, or sent something pressuring.

You can’t force this so work out how to make change.

A weekend away sounds a nice idea. It isn't a whole week so wouldn't cut into annual leave much.

Can you talk to them when they pick up your grand-daughter? Ask for ideas on places they would like to go and when they would like to go? You might get better responses by asking in person instead of relying on texts or emails.

But the title of the thread is literally "daughter in law issue"?

Another claim that any issues within the family are all evil DiL's fault. It's the same story practically every time. Why is it that men invariably get a completely free pass in these situations?

OP, take this up with your son. The child you and his other parent raised.

So tell him to check with her and get back to you. Of course he needs to run it by her. But you can't blame her for him not communicating. It's up to him to reply to you. Why would you be scared that he has to check with her?
Be upfront and tell him you find it hard when he doesn't reply and could he please make an effort.
And also be clear that it's okay for them to say no. If they feel they can't say no then they probably won't respond.
If this is something you've asked multiple times and they don't want to go then maybe just accept they don't want to go away with you and let it go. Not everyone wants to holiday with their parents or in laws.
Instead of suggesting things you would like maybe make clear what you really want is more opportunities to spend time together and ask is that something they're open to and if it is what would suit them?

My MIL withdrew a few days of childcare over the summer holidays because I didn't want to do something that she wanted us to do.

It was absolutely no skin off my nose, and all it did was make me, and her son actually, think she was being very silly - and if that's how she's going to behave when we suit ourselves a bit more than we should do it more frequently.

But how do you know if they have actually asked her to do this for them, or if she has taken it upon herself to insist?