Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

She did title the post ‘Daughter in Law issues’.

Then slips up and mentions that she makes the DiL feel guilty over things.

I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean.

This lack of self-awareness is breathtaking

If your SON doesn’t respond to these kinds of requests, maybe look to how you show your disappointment when you don’t get what you want?

It is rude that you son did not respond to you but if you make it uncomfortable for him to say ‘No’ to you in a safe way, he’s going to avoid addressing it.

And in-between this mother/son dynamic is the poor wife who gets the blame for everything, and is made to feel awful because your son doesn’t trust you enough to manage your reaction in a gracious way if you hear the word ‘no’.

Also agree that it's up to your son to communicate. DIL is probably fed up of managing everything. I know this as I'm probably also seen to be 'wearing the trousers' but actually I HAVE to take charge because otherwise everything falls to pieces. Don't assume that your DIL is wearing the trousers willingly. And your note of "we get on ok" or whatever it was. Would you want to go away with your in-laws who you have a slightly frosty relationship with? I know what I'd say 😂 But it is a shame, and they are being rude as a couple for not giving you a clear answer. But honestly, 'we're very busy' is 100% a no thank you. I'd accept it and stop asking.

It's really tough. I have a similar experience although tbh it's much worse now and we're hardly allowed to see DS. We would
Never be able to look after DGS.
I say keep trying with your son and explain how much you'd like quality time with them.

Would you want to spend time with a mil who blames you for the poor relationship with your son. Jeez. Ive read some unreasonable stuff on here but this might just win!

Im sorry but I dont think I would want to spend time with a MIL like you either! You sound far too precious about things and she probably senses that you are blaming her for things! “She wears the trousers” “shes the boss” “he’s under the thumb” Jesus your poor daughter in law! Are you sure you arent making any unwanted, judgemental comments when you are around her? My mother in law and sister in law would invite me places but when my little one was born my mother in law would constantly make rude judgmental comments and constantly undermine everything I did, they both made me feel awful and I did not enjoy their company. Perhaps they both prefer to keep their distance? Judging by the tone of your original post I can see why!

Sigh. My MIL dislikes / resents me for the same reasons too. Her son is utterly appalling at planning anything for himself or anyone else (I mean in the 15 years I’ve known him not one single trip or day out or holiday as a family has been his idea). They also live abroad. He never organises face time calls, or visits or anything. And it’s sure as hell not my job to so it doesn’t happen. But I know my MIL thinks it’s at least in part my fault because of course blaming the DIL is easier than recognising you’ve raised a son who either too lazy to manage relations and comms with his own side of the family or who just doesn’t l particularly want to spend time with you.

There’s also been friction in their relationship so he doesn’t want to be trapped somewhere with them for a long period.

Besides that, there’s virtually nobody else on the planet I’d want to go on holiday with. Maybe it’s not at all personal?

I’d wager that if you’re sulking about this and misplacing the blame as you are (and since your DIL has told you in the past that you’ve made her feel guilty) then they’re behaving the way they are about this because they don’t feel comfortable to just say thanks but no thanks. Sounds like something for you to work on?

Yeh, I'm sure my MIL says these sorts of things about me too. She has been openly critical about me. Just because I am assertive, have a voice, and am more career-focused than domestic, she isn't a fan. I'd really rather avoid holidays with her, and I'm not surprised your DIL wants to avoid them with you!

I agree you need to talk to your son as it's not your daughter in law's fault. My husband is also particularly bad at this and won't respond to his mother. I always feel like the one doing the organising/the disappointing and it's really tough. Naturally I want to spend time with my own parents but I don't necessarily want to spend time with my in-laws although happy to for the sake of my children and son but he doesn't respond to her so it's hard.

Lots of advice on here but I think you need to talk to your son. Say nice things about your daughter in law so when it does get back to her there are a few compliments in there. You could say "It would be lovely to spend more time with the 3 of you." When my first son was born I always go the impression my mother in law just saw me as a vessel rather than a human being who had a child. She used to ignore me and then laugh it off. I think it would have helped if she had shown interest in me and not just my children.
I hope it works out for you.

1. You need to respect his partnership with his wife and the family they have.

2. You also need to stop forgiving his lack of communication. Have you ever thought that maybe he uses his poor communication as an additional excuse to not hurt your feelings and put the blame at DIL's door?

3. You need to deal with your son and not DIL because it's really not her place to field your requests.

4. If she/they don't want to go, it's really that simple. They don't have to go. From your posts it's obvious that you don't like her, she's probably well aware of that or gets that impression and doesn't want to. I'm not surprised if you blame her for everything.

In future, maybe just call your DS and if he doesn't get back to you, follow up with a message and wait for him to come back to you if he wants to consult with his wife. However, I'd be annoyed if DH agreed on my behalf that I'd go on holiday with PILs without checking first so your DS is doing something right there with checking with his wife.

Sorry OP you posted on the wrong site as MIL are always to blame here, l know that a lot of sons just want an easy life and therefore the wife will decide who to see.
You are being used as free childcare, enjoy your DC and spend the money on yourself.

Used as free childcare 😂 why do people on here always say this? Mother in law has 100% agreed to ‘be used’ as free childcare, MIL’s will then always use this ‘woe is me attitude’ My own MIL declared to everyone that she would be retiring once baby arrives to do her ‘babysitting duties’ even though we had ZERO intentions of asking her. Our reply was ‘If your sure…’ Of course by now she’s crying at the smallest inconvenience and using the fact that she cares for my child as a ‘poor me, i do everything for everyone boo-hoo’ I feel for OP’s DIL that her mother in law is speaking poorly of her on a website, DIL definitely senses her dislike.

I'm not trying to excuse my son. He just has a terrible habit of never responding to messages.

Just coming back to this.

Why aren't you angry about this?

How rude of him to ignore his parents when they message him.

You making this somehow her responsibility, especially when she does respond to you (because he can't be arsed), is madness!

You should be grateful she can be bothered to do what your son can't be bothered to.

How bloody rude he is to ignore you,

You jumped at the chance because you wanted to go. They haven't jumped at the chance. They don't want to go. Stop inviting them. End of.

We went ten years without seeing the in laws because I stopped booking the flights to visit. When, after ten years, I told my DH that I'd stopped making the effort he was so angry but mostly with himself.

Maybe one or both do not want to go away with you. It might be that simple.

As much as you want to go away with your son and DIL it’s obviously not something they want at the moment.

It also sounds like you don’t like or respect your DIL or the fact that your son consults with her on decisions which are (and should be) jointly made between them. This might be the issue. It may be something else. They don’t owe you an explanation.

Maybe they don’t want to plan trips with other people at the moment because fitting the routine of a baby/toddler with other people is really hard / other reasons you don’t know about (for example if their relationship is under the strain the last thing they will want to think about is going away with you).

The fact you’ve offered to pay isn’t necessarily a positive. It can create a power divide which some feel uncomfortable with - for example would you be choosing the location / dates / activities / routine?

My advice would be to back off. Start showing your DIL some respect. Stop blaming her for the fact that you are not getting your own way. Also respect the fact that your son puts your DIL first.

If you want to win your DIL round I’d suggest showing her more support in her role as a mother. Be helpful and offer words of encouragement. Ask questions and listen.

Travelling to Dorset to see her sister is not the same as going on holiday with you!
presumably she doesn’t get to see her sister often so these visits are just a sister visiting her siblings family.
I also don’t think you can blame a girl for holidaying with her parents but being less keen to do so with her in laws.
This is also something you should be asking your son about.. as him directly about it and suggest he discusses with his wife, then ask him again a week or two later.

I do think if you're having a holiday with your parents you should be just as open to going with your in laws if that's what your partner wants ..unless there is a history.

For me, it depends on who is doing the childcare on these holidays. I prefer not to holiday with my in laws and children because I find caring for the children around also doing what my in laws want to do quite challenging. If their father took the lead in caring for them while we were staying with his parents instead of leaving it mostly to me, I'd feel differently. Whereas my family are actively helpful in looking after the kids with me and giving me a break. I come back from a break with my family feeling refreshed. I come back from visiting or holidaying with my in laws feeling frazzled.

That's a kick your partner up the arse problem it's not grandparents job to automatically take over childcare ....and some fear being told they are overstepping as we see a lot on here.

I'd just like to drop this in to the thread, and it's I can't stand men who surrender all decisions, on absolutely everything, to their wives. It's everything from what clothes to wear, if they can go out, what pastimes they can do to what friends they're allowed. Grow a set, ffs, and take back your lives.