Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Kindly, stop asking. They can't always be busy, they just would rather not come. It's hard, but it's always the way with mothers of sons. The closest relationships are always on the wife's side of the family. I expect the same myself in time to come. Try to enjoy the time you do have with them rather than pushing for more.

My MIL invited us for a weekend away. I don't like spending time with her, she's annoying. So I said no. He can go if he wants, with the kids. I prefer spending time with people I like

Maybe they just don't want to go on holidays with you and don't want to hurt your feelings? Or they are private?

I'm not into big group family get aways, I am not into friends ones, all my leave goes into my other half and he feels the same. When you work, your free time should be spent how you want to.

My auggestion would be lay off asking to do things they don't want to do with you, and find a common actovity everyone would like to do together?

Your ideal family together is clearly not theirs, there might be some things you don't want to do with them - and thats ok!

Its interesting that the replies are mainly from daughter in laws and they all blame the son. Just wait till you're all mother in laws, then you might have a different point of view

Not if it means that we expect a higher level of involvement and consideration from our DILs than our sons, I hope.

If my son is rubbish at communicating with / replying to me then of course I'll blame him and not his wife / girlfriend!

Your ds isn’t wrong to discuss things with his wife before committing to things like weekends away.

I suspect that DIL doesn’t like you in the same way that you don’t like her. I don’t think that travelling to see her sister twice a year is excessive at all and I think it’s time to give up on the idea of time away.

I can’t help but wonder if the babysitting is to save money or they are doing the minimum to not appear like monsters ?

Your ds is very unreasonable not to text you back. It takes seconds. I suspect that his wife is annoyed by this trait of his and would rather he declined invitations so she doesn’t have to look like the bad guy all of the time.

This site is full of men who put their head in the sand thinking that it’s the key to a peaceful life but driving the women in his life crazy. Your son is the problem.

This 100%. We do an AirBnB with each of our families every year (we live abroad so this is what we do when we come back to the UK every year).

My family will constantly think of ways to make my life easier. Everything is centered around the baby. They'll do the food shop, they'll think of activities that are baby friendly, etc, so me and DH actually get a break and we both really enjoy it.

DH's family love the baby and want to play with him but that is IT. It is literally the complete opposite with them and it's such hard, hard work.

So we do a week with my family and only a weekend with the in laws (DH's decision, not mine!!!!). They can be offended all they like and take it up with their son.

Why don't you hold sons to the same standards as you do DILs?

At least your DIL replies to you- it's more than your son can be bothered to do. The problem lies with him, not your DIL.

Stop blaming your dil. It's your son's choice what his relationship with you is like.
Maybe HE doesn't want to be close with you.

Sorry dont agree the wife's gets treated the same and yes her daughter did spend time with both sets of grandparents equally , she gets walked over in favour of his family all the time any advice welcome

This is absolutely on your son. You say he’s terrible with messages, but I guarantee you he is not terrible with messages to his friends. Completely reasonable for his wife to arrange trips to see her family and he should arrange trips to see you. He is not under her thumb, he is sadly just being lazy, and he is the one you need to have a conversation with.

You see your GD every week - that is really great.
Obviously you DIL would like to visit her family and sister twice a year - that is a small amount of time for her to spend with her family.
When you invite them, is there a mutual.choice of where to go, or have you already decided? I have been the DIL trying to make things work which in-laws have suggested but were not great for my children, and it was stressful.

Immensely brilliant profound point... Yes once you're in someone else's shoes or similar shoes, at least, then some can sit in judgement much more fairly... My Sons are too young to be married, but I still put myself in the aforementioned Mother In Law's shoes, & I feel I'd be Immensely grateful for such sweet, generous natured Mother In Law, bless her

It's hurtful and telling that you say your holidays are for family, just us. That is clearly saying she isn't family. If she doesn't have other family around how do you think that feels?

The son doesn’t answer his mother, the son doesn’t respond to messages, the son doesn’t answer the phone. He’s the issue (potentially his mother, as there’s a reason he doesn’t want to have contact with her) but for some reason it’s the wife’s fault… No, her son was her son until he didn’t have to be her son anymore, not because he took a wife

edited due to a wrong autocorrect

He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t respond to her messages, he doesn’t answer his phone. It’s not the wife, she’s the only that does respond…

She has massively said it. She says her son in ‘under her dil thumb’ but then in later updates admits her son doesn’t even respond to her texts or answer his phone to her. She doesn’t have a relationship with her son, it’s nothing to do with the wife. It’s the son that doesn’t want to talk to his mum otherwise he would reply or pick up

How is it clear her DIL doesn’t want to go? Her son won’t even answer the phone to her or respond to her messages. If anything it’s clear he doesn’t want to go otherwise he’d actually have some sort of relationship with her instead of never replying…

you know what i hate about these situations, reverse it and put " my daughter has no say, everything must go through her husband and she never replies to me only he will msg and keeps me at arms length" the replies would be SO DIFFERENT.

I think this is one where people shouldn't input too much into what MIGHT or MIGHT not be happening but making out like this relationship is a green flag is not it.

It might be an old saying based in truth in years gone by, but it also implies that mothers previously worked on mindset of they were going to lose their sons once they were married so perhaps they never put in the work to build the relationship in the same way with sons as they did with daughters. I’m mid 40s & don’t know a single mother/son where this is the situation. But I also don’t know any mother/son relationships that were treated differently to mother/daughter relationships which could be why. My own MIL didn’t assume she was going to lose her sons nor did my nan/mum/aunts assume they were going to lose their sons either. I’ve ever heard this saying on mumsnet on hateful DIL threads so I think that says something in itself…

no wonder so many mums have issues with their DILs when they can see in writing it’s the son that doesn’t respond to messages & it’s the son that won’t answer the calls from his mum but they still blame the DIL & call her selfish whilst nothing is said about the son who is the one who isn’t wanting to have contact with his mum. You seem to bring it on yourselves with this behaviour…

A break with your in laws isn't a break. It's a massive stress, hassle, etc and not enjoyable at all. Your sons the issue, leave the DIL alone.

Well I'd hope an invitation to a weekend away would go back to her, it's the sort of thing normal people discuss.