Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

Why do people say this on Mumsnet? The DIL has no idea about this...it's anonymous. I doubt she'd recognise herself even if she read it.

He does need to check with his wife. They're adults in a relationship, he can't just make unilateral decisions about going away.

Just bring it up when you're all together or get them both on a call/FaceTime.

You're scared to tell him anyting because everyting goes back to the wife.. what on earth would you ever need to tell him that's a secret from her?

I've always left dh to deal with his side of family , cards buying presents etc all communication down to him .Wasn't my job to take over this although got on OK with pil. What's interesting is my ds also does all this as its the norm .What he saw growing up.
So let's stop blaming the women.
And let's start expecting men to do their fair share .
I'm now the mil and thankfully have a decent relationship with dil.But I've been very mindful about building it .

That's absolutely pathetic. I hate men that get this spineless once married,

It's a bit odd but I agree that the main issue is with your son.

Fwiw I wouldn't enjoy a weekend away with my DCs and PILs. I don't dislike them, they're perfectly nice people but inevitably when we visit them I'm left to get up early with and look after the kids in someone else's un-childproofed house while my husband reverts to teenage mode, stays up late drinking and sleeps till noon. All enabled by his parents. And then I have to wrangle the kids on various days out, often child-unfriendly, and fight to ensure they get food they will eat and deal with their boredom in pubs and restaurants. I come away feeling like an unpaid nanny to my own children, only with no evenings or nights off (I also end up dealing with all bedtimes and night wakings). So I prefer to stay home in my comfy, easy house and enjoy spending time with my children on my own terms. I'm assuming since you already provide childcare, you'd be a bit more hands-on during the weekend - maybe offer just for your DS and LO to go away and DIL can join if she wants, she might appreciate a weekend to herself.

But it's fine for her son to holiday with his wife's family?

And it's not just holiday, even invitations to lunch dinner etc is rejected but they have no problem using OP for free daycare.

And of course he needs to check with his wife. Wouldn't you expect your DH to check in with you if someone invited you for weekend away?

It's not rubbish, its my opinion and how i've always seen it, i'm closer to my mum than I am my inlaws and see my mum more than my inlaws

It doesn't sound much like you like DIL. I can see why she'd not want to use her annual leave on a holiday with somebody who actively dislikes her.

And the fact the thread title is 'Daughter in Law issue'!

Just because he’s happy to it doesn’t mean she has to be. DS could spend time separately to his DW with OP, with or without the DC. He’s not even bothering at all and unless there’s a huge background of neglect or a very good reason (which in that case DC shouldn’t be left with OP anyway) he should be making the effort with his mother. It’s exceptionally poor on his part and nothing to do with the DIL.

The wife probably pushes those holidays along. Someone has to take a plan and run with it. If the husband wants a weekend away with his parents, he needs to be the main driver behind it.

My husband doesn't mind holidaying with my parents because, unlike when I visit his parents, the expectations of him are on the floor. He can get up late, be busy "working", go to the gym or for a run, spend an afternoon on his own hiking, go swimming alone, and no one bats an eyelid.

I think a lot of people experience what you’ve described… but is that really a good enough excuse to refuse to spend time with your in laws?

Surely the point of being married is that you suck it up? Especially when you have a child. That child deserves to spend quality time with their grandparents (and vice versa).

As long as you get on with your in laws and there’s no actual toxicity, I think it’s very selfish to refuse the offer of a holiday or weekend away because your in laws aren’t no.1 on the list of people you want to go away with. You and 95% of the population mate. Suck it up and try to have a pleasant time.

When either of my parents invite us to anything (dinner, vacation, family meals) I always tell them I’ll discuss with husband and get back to them. Husband does the same with his family. Surely this is just normal in a relationship? Neither one of us unilaterally make the choices.

I think you're like me in that sense. You want to spend time with your family but they always make excuses or are always busy. my messages get ignored a lot too. It's hurtful and frustrating but most of all it leaves me feeling lonely. I'm mainly talking about my siblings but I have tried this with my in-laws too. Me being the DIL. Problem is that my MIL isn't particularly interested in me, my kids or her son. She has her girls and her actual grandkids where she is (300 miles away ) and she will quite happily go away with them frequently. My FIL remarried. I don't particularly like him. He's very selfish. His wife is ok and she tries to encourage family time but we decline often. A. Because it's a fair distance for an overnight and B. Because they drink ALOT and I don't really want my kids around that. They don't think it's an issue. Think it's just some harmless fun on a daily basis but I don't like it. I wonder if there may be a reason like that for your son and DIL. I'm not calling you an alcoholic by the way. (Apologies If you think that's what I mean) I'm thinking perhaps it's a timing or travel issue. Maybe you have a dog they Don't want the child around...or maybe she is just not a nice person. I hope you get an answer one way or another. X

The husband should take child away to spend time with grandparents. It's very selfish of him to deny his child this.

No reason why the DIL has to come.

What is your day to day relationship like with your son and you daughter in law? It doesn’t read like you have a great relationship with either of them.
I wouldn’t want to go away with people I’m not comfortable around. Or people I just don’t know that well.
I know that’s shame for you but it’s just one of those things. Pushing for more time together won’t help or build any bridges.

They don't want to do it. You can't win here. If you push it you'll just make it awkward. It's a shame but not much you can do.

With respect, he does need to check with his wife about taking a vacation or scheduling something? If your husband did something without consulting you, you might be rightfully annoyed.

Like it or not, your son and DIL are a married couple, a unit, and the dynamics have shifted. They may not want to spend a weekend with you. Nobody has to take gifts that are offered if they don't want to do so. It was a nice idea on your part, but maybe it doesn't work out for them.

Massively your son in the wrong. He "needs to check with his wife" because he's extending the same attitude to his fsmily as he is you. He doesn't know what plans they have becuase he doesn't bother to talk to her. He's just a passenger.

She goes away with her family because she enjoys their company. He goes along becusse he's a passenger.

She doesn't want to pick up his slack in communicating with you because she's already picking up his slack elsewhere. But she still did send you a message to be polite because he was ignoring you.

The only reason I wouldn't want to go away with my in-laws is if I really didn't like them for some reason. Luckily I do, and what you're offering is very generous and I would personally jump at the chance.

You need to grab the bull by the horns and ask directly why they say no to your offers

Either they both don't want to go, or your DIL doesn't want to go, and either way your son finds it difficult to tell you (possibly because it sounds like you wouldn't take no for an answer very easily!).

I wouldn't be keen to go on hols with my ILs, no bad blood I just don't fancy it. Don't fancy going on hols with my own DM either! If an invite was forthcoming, I would just tell DH I didn't want to go, and leave him to manage the messaging, same as I would do if it was my side of the family.

Focus on your son and leave your DIL out of it!

You clearly don’t like your dil and either the feeling is mutual or your dil is aware and doesn’t want to spend her precious annual leave with you.

Doing child isn’t a summons for them to go on holidays with you, if you don’t want to do childcare, don’t!

Also your issue is with your son, don’t contact dil about arrangements. And of course he has to ask her, I’d have to ask my DH too if he would want to use his annual leave to go away with my family (he wouldn’t and I’d never make him!).

If your son is hen pecked it’d be a good idea to examine what happened in his childhood to make him like this