Daughter in law issue

[Carleajam]

I have a bit of an issue that is bothering me. A week ago I asked my son and his wife plus daughter who is 16 months now if they would like to go on a weekend break next year paid for by us. I messaged this and as usual got no response. After several days with no response I messaged again only to get a message back from DI saying they are very busy and will think about it.
Historically this is very familiar. In the past I have invited them to come away with us but there is always an excuse not to come. It's not just holidays but I've invited them for days out or meals even before they had their daughter.
I look after my GD once a week but would so love to spend a bit of quality time with everyone as a family.
The thing that hurts me the most is they go down to Dorset at least twice a year with her family as her sister lives there.
The problem is I don't know how to address this issue without causing upset. DI gets very defensive and I've had issues in the past where I'm made to feel guilty for making her feel guilty if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong I get on OK with her but she is the boss and I'm wasting my time even saying anything to my son because he is under the thumb so to speak.
I don't really get it because when my kids were little when my mum and dad offered to take us away I used to jump at the chance. It really hurts me how I am offering something nice and they don't even acknowledge my invite or even act grateful. Who knows they may decide to come in the end which will be a miracle but if they decide not to how can I explain my hurt without causing upset.

You're not listening, OP. They don't want to go - for your own sake, please stop asking them. There is nothing to "sort out".

I agree that this isn’t something that should be accepted or normalised…. but the fundamental issue is that it isn’t a problem for women to fix. Unfortunately, this means it’s a problem that will never be fixed 😂

Call it what you want: male socialisation, or some sort of evolutionary biological difference that means men are only capable of being emotionally bound to one woman at a time (how else do we explain the ease with which they abandon their children when they shack up with a new partner?), it’s always been a problem within families and I think it always will be.

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time. Of course, the primary responsibility for maintaining family relationship lies with your son. Of course I is much easier to blame the DIL than judge your son. Of course, he needs to do vastly better. But the fact remains that there ARE spouses who deliberately or by omission do nothing to facilitate good connections. Who completely favour their own birth family and make zero effort with their in-laws and resent any obligations to do so. And make that known and felt. I personally know several such people, male and female (though largely female it must be said). We don't know whether this is the situation here or whether the OP is as she has been characterised here. But every situation is different and just as there are horrible mother and father in laws, sometimes there are horrible or at least unkind daughter and sons in law.

Ok clever clogs I'll blame the parents for raising a son who doesn't answer his mum's texts and hides behind his wife. It was the mother who posted which is why I've directed it at her. I'm just sick of parents (let's face it mainly mums because this is afterall mumsnet) who seem to think fully grown men are utterly in the thrall of these manipulative wives.

It's a nice idea but they don't want to accept. There's absolutely no point in pushing the agenda. You'll end up estranged if you are not careful.

I think it is very clear that they do not wish to go away with you or spend time with you. However they will not say so assertively probably because they worry you will withdraw childcare. I am sorry it is so hurtful but if you keep pushing you could do further damage.

The naivety on here.
I have a great relationship with my dil, I’m lucky.
However my sil treated my dm appallingly and my db wouldn’t stand up to her because, and I witnessed this, she would scream and make my db life hell. She was a horrible person.

Some women, not many, will do anything to alienate there dh’s dm.
I don’t know why.
Anyway since she became ex sil my db does loads for dm and she has a lovely relationship with him.

OP - Just before I read your thread, I read another thread by a woman who didn't want to spend several days with her in-laws. She said they got on fine and she likes them but doesn't want to spend so long with them.
I think this could well be the case in your situation. Your DIL gets on perfectly well with you but just doesn't fancy a holiday with you. I see sooo many posts on Mumsnet from women saying they don't want to go away with their in-laws, so I think it's quite common. I don't think she dislikes you. I think she's someone who wants her own space, who's not 100% comfortable spending several days with you.
I understand that it's sad for you, and also hurtful that she goes away with her family but I do think you need to let it go. If she/they don't want to do it, what can you do? You can't keep asking and then getting hurt when they so no or are less than enthusiastic. It's horrible for you and horrible for them. It's better to just stop asking.
It sounds like you live close to them if you're doing childcare each week so maybe they don't see the need to go away together. We have had holidays with my family and in-laws but that's only because they live far away. If they were round the corner we probably wouldn't.

Of course what you say to him 'will go back to her'. They are a couple and normal, healthy couples discuss things.

The fact that it bothers you indicates either that you are saying things behind her back that you wouldn't say to her face or that you want to exclude her. Neither option reflects well on you.

In this situation the fact that your son hasn't responded to your invitation is an answer in itself. If he wanted to go on this weekend away he would have said so. He clearly doesn't want to go. It would have been polite of him to respond but you can't blame his wife for the son you raised having bad manners.

We were never invited to go on holiday with either my parents or my ILs. We did, however, book a cottage for a week and invite them to join us for a few days mid week under their own steam, which both lots of parents took us up on (at separate times).
There's a whole heap of difference between rubbing along with your ILs and spending a week under the same roof.
That way, they got to spend a few days enjoying their Grandchildren at the seaside and we got a night out as a couple as they offered to babysit one night.

You’ve asked and you’ve had your response. Their silence means they obviously don’t want to come. I think you have to also accept that your son and dil will be closer to her parents than you and your husband. It seems to be the way and is something we see often on mumsnet. Personally I wouldn’t ask again. Looks like they’re happy to use you as childcare but don’t want to spend quality time with you. Your dil probably senses that you don’t like her so obviously your son will side with her.

Kindly, I’m on your DIL side. Like yours, everything goes through me because DH is incapable of opening the diary to see if we’re busy. And I also like to be checked with before he’d commit to a weekend away as I’d be the one doing the washing, packing, preparing for everyone. It sounds like a nice idea on paper OP, but going away for a weekend with small children isn’t easy. It’s a lot of packing and preparing for not much time. Do they need to use annual leave? I’d resent using up precious holiday days on a break that wasn’t something of my choosing and spending time with someone who clearly doesn’t like me!

I know right! Why is it DIL’s job or problem?! She has her own family to communicate with, your son can do his

So what if they visit her sister twice a year. Bet your son doesn’t organise that. So why should she organise things with his family

It is obvious that she does not want to come away with you.

So ask your son if just he and the little one wants to go away?

or accept that she doesn’t want to and it could potentially be very strained if you strong arm her into it

This shouldn’t be titled Daughter in Law Issue.

It would seem you don’t like her, the way you blame her and call her the boss. She very likely knows this. Would you want to spend a holiday with someone who feels this way about you?

I would take a look at your own attitude towards her, and your lack of accountability on your son regarding his role on facilitating a relationship with you.

Your son is the issue here. I'm a granny myself so I have some experience in negotiating with adult children and their partners. It sounds to me like your son is happy for you to do most of the correspondence with his wife rather than himself, which is lazy and cowardly. You seem to expect her to respond to you rather than him, which is unfair on her. Your assumption that he's 'under the thumb' probably causes problems that you haven't considered.

I am your DIL in this scenario.

My MIL asks my DH every now and then if we want to go away with them. To be fair, he is pretty bad at replying to texts (not just to his parents), but he always politely declines - even if not always in timely fashion.

FIL made comments to my DH a few times if it's me who doesn't want to go.

In reality, my DH doesn't want to spend holidays with his parents (neither do I) as we like different type of holidays and we don't get on with them much. We stay at theirs 2 per year and it's always very tiring and we come home exhausted.

I think you are blaming your DIL here, but are you sure your DS would want to holiday with you?

Not everyone enjoys going on holidays with their parents / ILs.

Just because you enjoyed it, doesn't mean that they want to.

They should reply to you though and decline politely. But again, this is up to your son not DIL.

I would not push the issue, they clearly don't want to go away with you, so the more you push, the more awkward it will get.

No it's not great. My DH tried this shit with me when anytime his family tried to make plans with him, he'd come and offload it onto me and wanted me to do his thinking and planning for him. I told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't need my permission to see his family and I wasn't his 'manager'.

Is the weekend break a present for your son, DIL and their child, or is it a break that you are going on and you are inviting them to accompany you?

Rubbish. We're really close to MIL and FIL and see them at least every few weeks for a full weekend (they don't live close by which is why we don't see them more often). DH speaks to his mum every day! They're close but not in each others pockets. Plus I get on really well with them too which helps. And which I think is what the issue is here...

But you have excused him. Re read your post. Starting from your title...

Is it possible you could just take DIL at her word that they're very busy and let it be for a bit until after Christmas? I get all of what people are saying about rudeness and communication, but honestly if someone asked me at the minute if I wanted to arrange a weekend away next year (even if they were generously offering to pay) it would cause me unwanted stress as I'm up to my eyes (impending Christmas with family descending needing fed/presents etc, trying to finish work for the break, a million activities at each of the kid's schools this week, the house is a state etc etc etc).

Of course he needs to check with her, @Carleajam - it would be silly for one partner in a marriage to make unilateral arrangements for a weekend away, without checking with their spouse to make sure there isn't something else booked that weekend! If someone asks me if dh and I want to go to visit them/go out with them/whatever, I check with him to find out what dates and times will suit him.

If a MNer posted here to say her dh had organised for them to go away for a long weekend with his parents, and hadn't bothered to check with her to see if the dates suited, lots of people would be telling her she was not unreasonable to be cross with him!

You've offered and they are avoiding responding.
It's a shame for you and disappointing but I think you have to accept that your relationship with your DS and his wife is not, and isn't going to be close.
Leave the door open and repeat your invitations occasionally but maybe you need to be realistic and maybe look at having the odd meal together rather than whole weekends and perhaps and try and build some rapport with your DIL.
She may have reasons she doesn't want to discuss for not wanting to be away from home and it's not really unusual to find the company of the family you grew up with more familiar.

In the nicest way possible OP I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with people other than my DH and my DC. Maybe your DIL is the same. I don’t think visiting family is the same as going on holiday with people. Your son is clearly just happy to be one of those people who do like going away with others, your DIL probably isn’t.

As others have pointed out that if your son wanted to make the communication with you then he would and he’s being shit. So what if your unhappiness with your son’s lack of contact gets back to her, it’s not her business that’s between you two. It’s not getting any better by not saying anything.

If they’re quick enough to contact you when they need childcare then that’s different. I’d stress how happy you are to have your grandchild but as you’re still doing them a favour it would be courteous that they could make more effort to spend the odd day with you now and again. They expect you to give up a whole free day a week to save them money but won’t spend any quality time with you at all? If that is the case then in my eyes that’s taking advantage. I wouldn’t ask them to go away because they clearly don’t want to but you’re not unreasonable to speak to your son and express how hurt you are that they only bother when they want childcare even though you’re more than willing to do so.