Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

OP. - thinking about this -big option is to let him stay in house- H raises a £200k buy to let mortgage on it but in fathers and sons names- if you can go that high -

You take the money- son gets to stay in it and pays the mortgage and bills and lets a room out towards paying this. OR he pays mortgage- you pay bills - work it between you

In all honesty though maybe you could look at buying something a bit less and bank a bit of it to help him out - if he's not with you and you have 1 child at Uni and 1 at home- why can't you have a 3 bed house for a little less??

That way it keeps that property separate and stops the money intermingling too

But the house belonged to both his parents so morally if not legally half the house belongs to him. I'm sure his mother would have wanted her half to benefit him
From the stepsons point of view he is being asked to leave his home which is close to his work to benefit his step mother and her children.
The longer commute to work and living in a strange place may seem like nothing but to someone with autism it can be huge

Could you afford to get a new place together with half the proceeds of sale of your DH's house?

If your DH and his late wife owned the house together then ultimately it should be your DSS's inheritance. Obviously your DH still needs that wealth now, while he is still alive, but he should also take steps to avoid any kind of sideways disinheritance of his son (if he dies first and you leave everything to your children and DSS gets nothing...it's very common).

If funds allow, you could sell your DH's house and give your DSS half the sale proceeds now, meaning he'd have got his inheritance from his mother's side. Then your DH could put the other half of the sale proceeds towards getting a place together.

I don't think his son should have to buy the property. Both his biological parents paid for it. He's an only child and would more than likely inherit it anyway. I view that as stealing from him. I'm sure his deceased mother would not be too happy with what you want to do with the property she worked and paid for.

Even if he's 25, he should be allowed to remain in his family home. Especially if he has a disability. It's cruel to want to turf him out.

It's not his father's responsibility to set you and your children up in life. His father could continue to see you but not live with you and your children. More blended family drama which puts children (and adult children) at a disadvantage. Leave him alone.

You are going to have to buy him a property to live in and buy something gorgeous and dh which allows for that

So sell the property but buy him one he can stay in maybe paying small mortgage

You cannot take all 250k and leave him renting when right now he is in his family home

No reason for him to live with you he can manage on his own

If you stepson took out a mortgage for his max amount on his family home so he doesn't have to move but your husband retained the remaining percentage of the house would that give you enough ? Eg if he could get a mortgage for around 100,000 plus the 20k savings so 120,000 for your husband to contribute towards new house?

The other thing that strikes me is that your Stepson doesn't really sound as if he is truly living independently. He is not really dealing with finances, bills, maintenance, you are feeding him a few times a week so probably the idea of moving, being fully expected to manage rent/mortgage, bills and everything that comes with it is a big thing to contemplate. So instead he is likely burying his head in the sand and hoping nothing changes as his life is working for him at the moment.

Inheritance doesn't work like this- the father inherited and if he wanted to leave it to the cats home he could and unless OPs H has a will in place already leaving it to his son - as he and OP are married she would now be entitled to 100% if he died without will or probably 50% if they divorced-

So rather than go on a morality thing it's better to find a pragmatic solution - personally I think as I said let him stay, raise money off it on a buy to let , put in both father and sons names and OP and H look for something a bit more modest and pay a bit towards the buy to let mortgage and son pays rest .

This is a really tricky situation, but ultimately, he cannot dictate your future. Unfortunately, life is full of hurdles that we all have to deal with, ASD or not (and I don't mean that harshly). But at some point there are going to be changes in his future that he is going to have to cope with. And this is one of them. I think you've been really fair with your suggestions, good luck OP!

Call adult social services and ask to speak to the enablement team. They have been life changing in helping my adult son who also lives in our owned flat on his own but seems incapable of cleaning or looking after it. They have come out and helped him to see sense where all of our efforts have failed miserably. He is also 25 and is incredibly reluctant to move out but we need to sell up to purchase a larger home and partially fund retirement dreams. We have offered to put a deposit down on a flat of his own and he was dead against it but is sort coming around to the idea with the help of the enablement worker he has. She’s an absolute God send.

I don't think his son should have to buy the property. Both his biological parents paid for it. He's an only child and would more than likely inherit it anyway. I view that as stealing from him. I'm sure his deceased mother would not be too happy with what you want to do with the property she worked and paid for

He’d only inherit if his dad doesn’t need to sell the house for care fees - nobody is entitled to inherit anything until someone dies, by that logic any parent who sells their property and downsizes in later years is ‘stealing’ their child’s inheritance.

I think as a more fair suggestion he could be given a proportion of the life insurance from his mums death that paid off the mortgage, to add to the money he has saved so he can buy a bigger place or pay a lower mortgage. That way he’s still getting an inheritance from his mum.

I have adult children with ASD. It sounds like you are are being kind but realistically he isn't going to agree with your plan. Why would he? It's only going to cause, from his perspective, discomfort. I think you are going to have to say what you are going to do. Then you can give him the options of how you can help him but he gets to decide that.

This is insane. So anyone with children has no entitlement over the house they have bought because it is their child's inheritance and the family home? That is so presumptuous and entitled.

It simply doesn't reflect the reality that OP's DH has potentially many more decades of their own life to live and fund where they have essentially lost their biggest asset. It is natural for people to downsize and move house when their children grow up. It is also totally natural for people to move on when they have lost a spouse and find happiness with a new partner. You can't expect the father to live his whole life facilitating the son's wants and needs and totally disregarding his own. There really isn't any moral obligation to keep the family home just because one of the adult children wants to stay living there or wants to inherit it.

Secondly, OP's DH may need to sell the house for all sorts of reasons as he ages. He could need additional money for his retirement or care home fees. It is totally possible that giving the house to the son could be financially ruinous for the father and could be seen as deprivation of asset when looking at state funded care options.

Blended families can be messy but your post is so unreasonable and unfair that I am astounded.

I don't think the moral argument is as clearcut as you suggest. When the mother died then her portion of the house passed to the father. When he dies then the plan is that money from the house will all pass to the son. The son isn't losing out but just not recieving his inheritance now.

@BoundaryGirl3939 Many parents can’t provide a three-bedroom home for their adult children for their entire lives, it’s not realistic. Of course DS needs to be provided for, but his Dad doesn’t need to provide him with a house of that size for the rest of his life.

My Mum died in my mid-20’s and my Dad decided to sell the family home a couple of years later. It was his right to do so. 🤷

we have set our wills so mine and my DH currents assets, when one of us dies, would be protected for our kids. There is no way I would want the house which was paid off by my life insurance to go to my surviving husbands new family.

Some people do have weird ideas about inheritance- my father in laws wife died in 2005 and he inherited obviously her half of the house and any other assets- my H and his brother got absolutely zilch, not even a trinket. However I do know his will now splits all to my H and his brother - he went on to have another live in partner too but she sadly died a few years ago-should my H have been jumping up and down because he got zilch from his mother?? People seem to not understand that if married it passes to the spouse unless a will states otherwise - whether you as a child get anything further down the line is entirely up to the person. It's not a right-

@Moonchildalltheway exactly- you made future provision because you feel strongly- in this case though provision wasn't made and so it is up to the OPs husband to decide what to do with his asset and any future provision he himself makes for his son - it's not automatic the son can just have the house 'now' or half of it etc

Actually DH has done him a spreadlist / it’s makes stark reading. All the benefits are DSS and none for any of us.

You need to tell him, not ask him. You will need to buy/rent a small place for him, organise his move there, plan movers, pack his belongings, etc (obviously informing him, holding his hand along the way, firmly but gently).

My DS has autism and I suspect he could act like your DSS is because in his mind, it is impossible, he genuinely doesn’t believe it can happen and doesn’t understand it is a choice.

I think this is it DH has just phoned and said yes it is his inheritance but in 30 years not now.

@LuckySantangelo35 obviously I’m not talking about the washing up🤣, it’s the expectation that this boy/man after losing his mum can just slot into this new family his father has found, it will be awkward. Can’t think he would want to live with them, I didn’t, when my DF moved my SM and her 3 DC into our family home - I moved out.

We have a legal guardianship for our ds, 26.

In fact, unless he is allocated supported housing (unlikely any time soon due to shortage) he will stay with us life long.

It is not called guardianship in England but there is an equivalent which might be worth looking into as it gives you legal powers to do for him what you think best if he lacks capacity. Even though he has a degree and is presumably cognitively able, he could still be deemed to lack capacity for certain life decisions.

You would need to consult with a solicitor who specialises in this area. If your ds claims pip, you can pay solicitor costs from that (that is allowed)

Otherwise, it is a moral decision. We have another ds asd but no cognitive impairment that left home himself at 18 and has done better away from home! He was a kid "with his own agenda"

Difficult one.

Yes I’m standing to gain it all if he died. I’d gain 50% of the house in a divorce but I would not do this. If DH died DSS would get the current house. Morally that’s right. That’s just the way it is.

He does not lack capacity. He does not get DLA or PIP he works earning about £25 K a year at the end of 25. He could get a higher paid job. He doesn’t want to. He won’t do anything unless asked - or he wants to.

He is going away next week on holiday. He has booked, paid for and organised it (abroad) as it is somewhere he wants to visit. He is going for a week.

Sorry not asked he needs to be told. Eg you can not use Dad’s car anymore - you have dented it twice, done no repairs, or maintenance or even put fuel in. You need to get your own.