Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

This is a totally mad situation where one person's needs are overriding everyone else's. Your husband needs to tell him the house needs to be and will be sold and he has options (whether this is live with you, rent or buy his own place etc). Tell him things staying the same is no longer an option and if he physically refuses to move out you will have to take all the furniture out of the house and leave the new owners to evict him by legal means. Although he will be distressed by this, you can make it clear you will support and help him every step of the way if he will work with you.

I feel for DSS, having been there, lost our mums at an early age, Dad meets new partner with a new family, suddenly not only have we lost our mums but part of dad as he has a new family now. It hurts for a very long time, I’m older now and can see that my dad was entitled to another relationship and glad he found one, but it took time, more than 7 years. I’m a bit sceptical, you need the money to buy a house, so if anything happens to DH, will DS get his inheritance straight away or will you get the right to live in it until you pass, then DSS gets his share? So you get the privilege of living off his parents house money, and then sounds like your DH will need a watertight will, as you don’t appear to like DSS very much, I’d worry you would just leave it to your DC.

I haven't read the full thread but haven't seen this referenced anywhere.

Did he receive an inheritance from his mother when she died? If not, should he not inherit her share?

If he did inherit half the house, he could get a mortgage to buy your DH out of the other half. And have the stability he clearly wants.

If he bought this house while wife was alive and used his wife’s life insurance to buy it then currently he has a claim on it as it’s in his dad’s name. When it’s sold and you get the bigger house in joint names it won’t be.

It probably isn’t a motivator but as a dad your DH should be making moves to secure his son’s future even if it means sacrificing a bigger house with you.

He will not do anything unless it is spelt out. Eg can you get up and do the washing up. Like Eeyore he then makes a fuss stands up and says ‘ok then Dad’s told me I have to help and do the washing up’ etc and moans the entire time. But this is what I signed up to

He didn’t sign up to play happy families with you either, the sheer awkwardness of having to do this. I really feel for him.

She has said multiple times that the want him to move with them but he refuses. He is not being turfed out, he just insists on staying in that particular house.

The easiest solution is your DH gives him half the equity aka 125k and he buys you out of the other half. That would be fair. That way he gets his inheritance now. Then he keeps that house, you have no chain etc and you buy another 3 bed. Would that work?

How long ago did his mum die? And is the house he lived in now, the one where they lived together when she was alive?

Obviously the ASD will make him reluctant to change (as well as the great financial deal he's currently on) but could an emotional connection to the house be a hurdle to him leaving?

I agree with the poster above who suggested using the "template" of how he ended up with his own car to move him out of the house. Your dh basically doing all the legwork and presenting it to his son as a non-negotiable. Even if he refuses to engage, explaining each step as he does it. E.g "dad is looking for a flat for you, this involves a. b. c." If it is carefully managed, of course he'll be able to move out of the house.

This, totally this. The time has come from him to move as you are selling the house. It’s not a question. Help him all you can regarding the change, but he’s an adult who has had a great set-up for a long time and now needs to stand a bit more on his own two feet (with appropriate support).

If leaving the house is so hard for him another option would be for him to buy it from your husband. He has enough for a deposit and reasonable earnings so he should get a mortgage. His penny pinching will be a problem but if given the choice between moving out and away he may take this as a better option. It doesn't take 'his inheritence' because whatever you buy will still come to him someday

Are you absolutely sure that the house is your DH's?
Did his mother put something in the will to say that he could stay there or owns a share of the property?

You could find yourself in major problems down the line if this could be the case.
and as also bee mentioned the son would have to sign for vacant possession of the property.

IMO it would be irresponsible of you to push him in to a shared ownership flat.

As unempathetic as this sounds, he needs to be told what the plan is - less asking and more telling

Or OP’s DC !!

I think @Araminta1003 has come up with a good option.

I’m almost always on the side of the parents in these ‘adult children won’t move out’ situations, but in this case I’m on his!

You want to put him out of his home so that his dad can fund a house for you and your daughters? His late mother would likely be devastated if she’d known that would happen.

Your DH doesn’t have an affordability in retirement problem because he has a house he chose to move out of. What was your plan to afford housing if you hadn’t married your DH?

Really none of you have an affordability problem because you can all move into DH’s house, you just want more space, a nicer area and less inconvenience!

If DS has saved £20k by the age of 25 as a graduate, so probably only earning three years, he can afford to pay a monthly mortgage over 30 years. A spreadsheet of his outgoings would be helpful if he’s maths-minded. He probably needs to have it mapped out for him. Could you start looking at one-bed flats for him to buy?

The concept of inheritance is flawed here, it’s his dad’s house, if he needs care in the future for example it would need to be sold to pay for that. Nobody has a right to inheritance and I think it’s a bit of a red herring here.

Not meaning to be rude but this is the EXACT reason I updated my will when I had children that my 50% share of the house will be split between my two children and NOT to my husband!
My husband was not happy but I explained that as we are young (ish) I would expect he would move on and find someone else and I would hate the idea that my children’s inheritance gets “merged” or used to improve the lives of the new woman and her kids. My will states that my half goes to the kids but my husband can continue to live in the house until the point of sale and then the money given to the children or in trust if too young.

Your DH owns the house due to the life insurance policy paying off the mortgage because the mother died. He now wants to kick his son out so YOU save on rent and can get a bigger house for YOUR children. Yes as you have pointed out the house technically belongs to your husband but I doubt the deceased wife expected her DH to put a new woman and her children above his own.
Truthfully if I was the son I would feel so upset and rejected that my mum dies and then my dad wants me to move so he can play happy family somewhere else

This seems very contradictory and like you aren't seeing it from DSS' point of view..

Of course legally now the house belongs to your DH. But it WAS his dad and MUM's house. And it's been fully paid off with her life insurance. And the house likely has a lot of emotional connections. You seem to feel he's had a lot of time to get over his mum's death when you say she died 7 years ago but he's got ASD, lost his mum at 18 and is only 25 now.

He's being asked to leave his family home to accommodate his dad's new family.

You say you can't afford to buy without the money from selling the DH's house. But then you also say you plan to ring fence the sale of DH's house sale for his son's inheritance. That doesn't make sense. It can't be both...

OP, your thread has given you lots of positive options and it looks like you can be entirely fair to DSS and achieve your move.
Do you have legal cover' with your house insurance policy?
If you do, you and DH should contact them together and hear what the legal aspects are... If not, try to bag a free first hour legal appointment with a family solicitor. The legal position is critical so you know what happens when you or DH dies..
Once you leap that hurdle, it looks like there are options to explore. A one bed for DSS and a 3/4 bed for everyone else. I'm struck by the mention that DSS's DM wanted him to leave current home area and move elsewhere. It would be ideal if he could be persuaded to follow his DM's wishes.

Not his house, not his decision,

It sounds to me like he will struggle wherever he goes without long term support from his dad.
It's clear you are trying to do right by him while also planning for your own future. While I understand his reluctance he can't just say no and refuse to discuss. Ultimately your DH can sell the house.

Would somewhere larger than a 4 bed be possible? Somewhere he could have a self containg area or annex or a granny flat?

Of course he doesn't want to leave a 3-bed house to move into a 1-bed flat, if he already gets to live alone - what 25yr old would?
How much stuff does he have and will it all fit into a flat? If he will need to declutter, he may also need help with that and will also resent that hugely.

I feel like you think that SS living alone means he is independent, but it is clear that he is not. He relies heavily on other people. What do you think would happen if you and DH disappeared tomorrow? Do you think SS would suddenly step up and start looking after the house and managing his life properly? Or would everything just fall apart. This setup sounds more like a vulnerable adult living in supportive living, rather than him being a lazy but fully functioning adult.

@EffinMagicFairy

the sheer awkwardness of having to wash up sometimes?? 🤣