Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

It’s in the first para of the OP

Don't have him live with you. It will not be better than your current situation.

ASD will make him rigid to change and also making decisions. My DP has ASD and responds much better when I tell him what we’re doing rather than giving him the choice. Given the choice we’d do and eat the same thing every day until we died.

He currently lives alone and has a job. Did he live at uni whilst he studied?

I would serve him his notice, put the house up for sale and buy one with enough space he can move in with you for the time being. He has 20k in savings and is being selfish. Having ASD doesn’t stop you from being self absorbed. If you want to give him a choice then I’d present two choices of either living with you when you move or buying a one bed flat with his savings. Staying in the house isn’t an option.

The son will have to sign the contract as well as his dad to say the house is being sold with vacant possession. We've just been in a similar situation - well, broadly similar. As I think most people are saying, the ASD (albeit quite high functioning) will prevent him from negotiating his way through this and as @ItsAMario says I think your DH should just crack on.

Is the son likely to get any cash from the sale proceeds to help him buy a flat? And as someone upthread asked, are flats available in son's chosen area, that he can afford?

Dh son aged 25

Mine are 7 and 17.

both of us have no other partner involved. I have an ex not involved and 20 k saved.

DH has a son and his wife died 7 years ago. House paid off at that point.

No children together and both in our 50s.

We planned to ring fence DH’s house sale for his inheritance to his son and split the rest 3 ways for inheritance. Eg 67% to Dh son and 17 % to each of mine. So he would inherit the lion share of our house.

DH would like to split any future house 50% to his son and 25% each to mine. I have suggested the above.

If we part exchange the house we would move in March 2025.

Flats available for 80K shared ownership with 1 bedroom. He has 20 K saved as didn’t pay rent to DH until DH moved out and it is still only a peppercorn rent. Adult son pays this with much moaning. So affordable for DSS to buy.

He did not want to go to uni but was refusing to get a job or do anything. Uni was applied for and he was pushed into it. Lived at home. 1 st class degree in maths. He didn’t apply to uni - all done for by his parents. He went to a mainstream secondary school and has good A levels and a degree. He is an ‘eeyore’ character. He moans about the weather, his car, the state of the roads etc and he has always been this way. Always.

Can you not remortgage the owned property then use the cash to buy a 3 bed for you, DH and your 2 dc?

Your DSC gets to remain in his family home with you and DH paying the mortgage and you get to buy a house, outright, in your desired location.

This is what we are coming to - he has until March time to move out and sort himself out or move in with us - but I don’t think I could manage him living for 30 years plus with us. He will not do anything unless it is spelt out. Eg can you get up and do the washing up. Like Eeyore he then makes a fuss stands up and says ‘ok then Dad’s told me I have to help and do the washing up’ etc and moans the entire time. But this is what I signed up to and DH deals with it 99% of the time. He has no friends I don’t mind him coming over 2-3 times a week or living with us as long as he chips in and starts to do stuff without being asked.

He has a good ish job like accountancy and can do stuff there without being asked.

long term I don’t want him to be living with us in 30 years.

DH’s brother is a similar character and always lived at home with his parents and never worked. He still lives with his elderly parents. Difference is DH’s brother has never worked ever and could not live alone. Son says he doesn’t want to end up like his uncle and his late mum always said he was no allowed to live at home and had to move out. She was adamant about it when she died. She was right I think- unless ‘forced’ he just won’t.

Thanks this is an option we hadn’t considered. Will put it to DH. That is possible.

There are choices here.

I think they all involve selling the 3 bed house that DSS currently lives in alone.

1. DSS moves into a the new bigger family house with his dad and you, and has to suck up a commute or change job

1. DSS rents or buys a property himself and if necessary his dad can give him some financial help with this as DH will be making significant saving by owning rather than renting

1. DH buys a one bedroom place near DSS work in the area DSS prefers and rents this to his son.

Any of these scenarios involve change for DSS which will probably be difficult for him to manage. Can you get him some professional psychological support to help him through this ?

It’s a really tricky situation but I do think that there is a benefit to him being safely and comfortably housed, but not sharing with you and your kids. I feel like blending the family would solve the financials but create a lot of other problems.

Have you considered getting a buy to let mortgage on DH’s house for the value of the additional money that you need? And increasing dss rent to a level that it pays towards the mortgage?

DSS could potentially “buy” some of the equity at the same time using his 20k. With the view that gradually the house becomes his as he saves and “buys” the house from you. If it has always been DH intention that some of the value of the house goes to DSS then he could also gift some of the equity.

DSS will absolutely not engage with any counselling, support or any third parties.

I think the key issue here is that he is autistic and his mum died and that was their home together, I would do everything in my power to not upset that balance if he is currently managing to work etc.

Realistically how long would you need a 4 bedroom for? How old are your children? Surely they'll be leaving relatively soon and you'll be looking to downsize again, in which case I'd upsized temporarily if needed via renting then buy a small house when all are adult.

I'd right off DHs house / sell to adult son below market rate as his inheritance so he can live there and chalk that up to the costs of having a disabled child.

Sorry if I have missed something, OP, but why do you and DH need a 4 bedroom home? You have a 17 year old, who will presumably only be home part-time very soon, and then you'll have the 7 year old at home.

I think it will be emotionally very difficult for your stepson to have a house sold under him that his parents funded in order for his father's stepchildren to be accommodated. Especially due to his disability and with having lost his mum just as he began adulthood. It might cause a rift that never heals. This is presumably why your DH is reluctant to tell his son, rather than asking him. Given that he wants his son to inherit his assets in their entirety, it seems crazy to pull the rug out from under his son's feet at this point, rather than helping him buy. If he sells the house and DSS goes into autistic overwhelm/shutdown he could lose his job and the situation would be worse all round.

DH needs to prioritise the support to his son, to keep him coping with day to day life and (absolutely key thing) in full-time work, ahead of housing your DC, IMO. But there is also the issue that DH needs to be able to afford somewhere to live for himself, plus meeting his own care needs, etc, in old age.

If I were your DH I would set about looking for a smaller place for DSS near DSS's workplace, supplying him with a large deposit so that mortgage payments are low enough that DH could help DSS pay it if DSS can't cope with working for future periods of time. This would release some equity for a larger deposit for the home for himself and you/your children.

FYI shared ownership flats have a lot of issues it feels unfair to push him into something he's not ready to do on a low wage. The affordability for S/O is quite strict here might not even pass.

We won’t be able to buy in 10 years DH will be retired I hope.

DSS has no attachment the home for sentimental reasons at all. Absolutely none. His Mum didn’t like it or the area it was wanting to move as soon as DH could and son moved out.

Before DH met me - DSS wanted to moved out and buy as that is what his mum wanted him to do and he didn’t want to end up like his uncle. For 4 years we have rented. Meanwhile DH’s house is falling into a right mess and DSS does nothing - no housework. DH goes over once a week to clean the kitchen. DSS is not busy in evenings or anything and just plays on his phone scrolling in his room.

This is also the case. But he could live with us for 5 years rent free and save more. He does not need a 3 bed house.

You are saying no, but all the words after it read yes to me?

The two massive positives with DSS right now is that he's working, and that he's living alone (albeit with considerable practical/financial support). So many autistic young adults take a lot longer than he has to get to that position. (I'd love it for my kid!) So I would take baby steps to getting him to financial independence, and absolute not take any backwards steps, such as having him move in with you.

Ds needs a cleaner to do the jobs he can't due to his disability. Being academically clever and 'functioning' at work does not mean that other tasks, particularly those with a high sensory level - cleaning food out of sink, hoovering etc is impossible so that is a different issue and his ability to do those high demand jobs may well fluctuate with how he is coping generally

He lost his mum 7 years ago. I am worried that we could be made homeless or unable to afford the rent in 20 years having paid £300-400 K just in rent. I don’t want to make him homeless either or force him out.

4 bedroom as eldest is doing a 5 year degree (medical) at local university. One room for us, one for her (to save on uni costs), one for youngest and one so DSS has somewhere to go / live if needed.

Just tell him you're selling. That he's more than welcome at the new house, but at the end of the day, the house will be sold and he has to make a choice.

I really cant believe its even a question.

Forgive me if this comes across as rude (written context etc).

Do you know much about autism? It sounds as though DSS has fairly significant issues with his executive functioning, the difficulty with organising thoughts and/into actions. Your example of needing to be told step by step instructions on doing the dishes is almost a perfect definition. (I understand you said he manages at work without being asked, that’s likely because us role and tasks are predictable and scheduled in work, unlike at your house or at home, helping him create a cleaning schedule or using visuals might help with that).

You sound frustrated at the stubbornness and lack of housekeeping and “moaning” he does but almost all of it is very likely due to his being autistic.

Maybe developing a deeper understanding of his specific needs would lead to less frustration and an easier time for all.