Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

Ps Adult son does not look after DH’s house either, does not clean it or pay or do any maintenance. He has no interests (we have tried) and spends every evening up in his room online.

The 4 bed we want to buy has a huge garage we can convert into an annex.

We are looking at spending £350k on rent over the next 20 years. Where as we can pay off a small mortgage in 10. And it is our house.

The status quo is not viable. Not affordable and we can never retire. Rents are going up and up.

I am in a similar situation. Given the vulnerabilities, I will always make sure our son has the option of living with us until he can manage on his own. Unless you can find him some sort of living arrangement that takes account of his ASD support needs, I wouldn't force him out for a host of reasons.

Otherwise, can you put a small dwelling out the back of the current property? Or another property?

I think we ideally all want them living in their own homes eventually, but it's not always realistic for them to fly the nest in the same way other young people can manage. That's not to say other arrangements can't be made, it's just necessary to take account of what supports need to be in place.

Clearly something needs to change for you financially. I'd find a way to do it that takes care of the child with disabilities too.

We want him to have the option of living with us. We can’t live where he lives - youngest is at school and both DH and I work local. If we moved back in to DH’s house we would both be driving 45 minutes back and forth to work and school and youngest would not have a room when they are back from university. The house is tiny.

We would be happy for him to move to the new house with us. He won’t.

He is living on his own now.

@LilacTurtle we have no room to extend. DH’s house is tiny and has a tiny garden although 3 bedroom. Not in a nice area either and neither DH or I want to live there.

45 minutes isn't such a bad commute, but fair enough if you don't want to do it.

I already think about when we want to downsize. I understand what you mean about the financial impact but I accept it as part of having a child with a disability. I'm also considering what needs to be in place for when I am no longer here to ensure housing security.

I've resigned myself to staying where we are for maybe 20 more years. Then we will likely need a more accessible house and compromises might have to be made on both sides.

I think you'll get plenty of people saying he's old enough to be told to move out, but I understand it's not quite that easy. Somehow you just find a way to make it work.

He either needs to move with you, contribute more financially to help with the difference or be helped to find another situation that works better for him.

His ASD makes him resistant to change as you probably know. He has to learn that life can bring about unwanted changes. I think you need to talk to him honestly telling him the house will be sold and talk him through the various options. It’s going to be difficult for him. Perhaps if you all move into that house temporarily, he will get used to being with you all and plan the move for all of the family from there

So if he's capable of living on his own and does live on his own, what's the problem? You said he refuses to leave home, yet he is living on his own. That seems contradictory. Is it that he has half share in the house and refuses to sell?

You’ve been very patient. You tell him the plan, you’re selling the house & you’ll help him to find somewhere new. You can’t let him dictate your life like this. The change will be scary for him but with your support, he’ll manage it.

He has no share it’s all in DH name.

He says he doesn’t want to pay the petrol costs of commuting or the time. We have said no rent. Just a contribute to bills if he lives with us. We could offer to pay petrol. He is very tight with money and I’m very reluctant to do this. He will not contribute with anything when over - directed to do the washing up. He will under duress. He would rather sit and play on his phone.

We can not all move in to DH’s house - 3 small bedrooms. We have 3 children. There is no room. DH has given him years to get independent and done in gradually. He didn’t want to pay for council tax when DH moved out etc and it was gradual.

I think I'm getting it now. So he's living in DH's house by himself, you're renting elsewhere and want to move somewhere larger, selling the house he lives in to do it?

In that case, for my own financial welfare, because us parents are important too, I'd tell him that it has to be sold as you can't afford to keep it. However, I'd probably look at using some of the money to buy a smaller one bedroom place for him so he's taken care of too. Even if he is inflexible about it, you might just have to make sure he knows he'll still have a place nearby.

Does he have a support worker that can help? Sometimes they can get through in ways family can't.

My oldest brother is like your son only in his 80s. He has lived in the family home alone for over 30 years since our Mum died. The other siblings agreed to it being put in his name, the thought of him being homeless was unthinkable to the family. It is his safe place. Yes, it is dirty and full of his "stuff", but he is happy there.

To be practical, though, is there any chance your son could get a mortgage on where he lives now? Can you sell at a discount? That would give you some extra funds for a new house. Of course this may not be practical with funds you have, but really I think you may struggle to solve this one.

Best of luck.

I’d stop asking and start telling. And he needs to move out before you even try to sell it as it’ll be impossible to keep it presentable while he’s in it making a mess and refusing to look after it.

He’s one child of 3, he’s an adult, he’s got qualifications and a job. His wishes don’t trump everyone else’s needs. Stop pleading with him, decide on your plan and tell him what’s happening and when.

A family member is in a very similar situation so I understand how difficult it is. All you can do is be clear that this is going to happen and on what timeline, e.g. we are going to be selling the house in autumn 2025. You have a choice between option X or option Y.
Are there any neutral adults (that is, not you or DH) who could help get through to him and support him to decide what he wants to do? Would he engage with therapy at all?

Even DCs with more severe disabilities have to come to terms with the realities of life . It may be difficult but not impossible. Given his level of capabilities he seems to be more functioning than most . He's gone to uni , has a job , manages his money , drives a car and lives independently. Unfortunately he can not be appeased at the expense of all the other family members . The thought of change must be scary for him but he just has to be helped to come to terms with it. This will not be the first change he will have to cope with as family dynamics inevitably change .

What jumped out at me here is 'its his inheritance' and you mentioned his mum died. Was the house bought by his mum and dad and the mortgage paid off by her life insurance etc if she passed away relatively young? Because I do feel that changes things a bit.
If hes only 25 and his mum passed a few years ago, he lost his mum relatively young and presumably this house was his family home and may have quite a bit of emotional significance to him.
Can he maybe work towards buying the house from his dad? Eg get a mortgage and share ownership with his dad to free up some equity for you guys?
To be fair if your two children are not his dads biological kids i can see why hes cross if hes being asked to leave his home so his dad can house two other kids who arent his

Give him 2 options.

1. move to our new family home, with an annexe situation. Pay to commute.

2. buy a flat of your own near your work. Dad will contribute to the purchase/deposit.

Change is going to happen. He’s not going to like it or want it. That doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.

This is a cruel to be kind scenario.

I don’t think he is just going to ‘get’ more independent. Essentially he needs pushing to adjust to life changes. You need to sell the house, agree tell him firmly and kindly this is happening in 2 months and your two choices are.. in 7 weeks and you will need to pack your things, your two choices are… lots of repeating, lots of talking through scenarios, no revisiting the decision to sell -‘it will be sold, you need to focus on… ‘

Can you clarify - are the younger children at home your DH's kids or are these just your kids?

No it’s DH’s house. Bought with him and his late wife. Bought with DH saving and he paid off the mortgage and a small life insurance policy.

The key issue here is his ASD and inability to picture or manage change for himself.

Your DH presumably knows best how to handle this, but maybe instead of asking for his consent tell him what is happening. “This is what is happening , I will support you through it and it will be ok. It might not feel like that now but it will be OK. And it has to happen and will happen. Let’s get on with it” might be the best route.

Someone in charge, with clear route and rules to follow, is often less alarming than feeling you don’t know what you are doing.

Having him in an annexe sounds ideal.

If your son has a deposit of £20k and a salary of £25k he might be able to go after properties around £135k.
Is there anything in his favourite area available in that budget ?

How old is he OP? You've said adult but not actually how old. If he's well in to his 20s then he really has to abide by his dad and your wishes. You're being more than generous by offering him space to live in the new house (you mention an annexe). Be careful about saying 'no rent', as he has to learn to be financially responsible and have an incentive to leave at some point. If he comes to live with you then he also needs to be taught (by his dad) how to clean and help maintain the property. It's doing him no favours if he's being allowed to not do this at the current house.

The ASD complicates things.

In reality you are going to have to sell the house and he will either accept it or not.

This isn't like a normal adult child though because of the ASD.

Your DH is going to need to support him through the process.

New house with annexe/granny flat for him sounds ideal.

It's very likely that if he moved out to a shared house there would be a lot of problems that your DH would have help resolve. A one bedroom flat in some ways might be ok but if he doesn't do any cleaning etc then that has its own problems.

Your DH needs to decide whether to try to support him into more independence - rent a one bedroom flat - or offer him annexe/granny flat.

It's likely that if he is offered a bedroom in your new family house there will be difficulties to overcome with the interactions as a blended family.