Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

Legally it belongs to DH. His wife 7 years died and 85% of it was paid off at that point. Small life insurance paid off the rest. It’s DH house. It is DSS inheritance in years to come. late wife didn’t work - but that’s not the point - it’s was their house - him and late wife and thus belongs to DSS in due course in my opinion.

But effectively he is wanting it now. He pays a peppercorn rent and some bills. By refusing to move - we can’t buy. I have a deposit but not enough equity to make up the shortfall. DH and I can not raise a large enough mortgage.

I don’t want it (the money for the house) . Neither does DH - it all goes to DSS in due course we only want it to invest effectively in a larger house. DSS would then inherit more as we aren’t wasting £300 K to £400 K just on rent for the next 20 years.

But DH can’t move or do anything he wants without selling the house. Son doesn’t want to move due to a 45 min commute that he will have to do - that’s what he has said.

maybe we just gift him the house and just carry on but ot means we won’t be able to buy now and won’t be able to buy in 20 years.

What difference does it make if the OP wants a house with 10 bedrooms??

The DS cant just stay in a 3bed house paying nominal rent for the rest of life of his life just because he has autism and his poor DM died.

What world do some of you live in?

He can do it - he says ‘I can’t be bothered’ and he doesn’t. We offered to get a cleaner he said no - he can do it and he can. His car is immaculate I mean immaculate.

You probably need legal advice, OP. If dss is paying a nominal rent, I assume that he will have rights as a tenant. If you are intending to evict him in order to sell the property, you need to ensure that the proper legal process is followed.

This is a really tricky situation.

Ultimately there are five people impacted by this issue and you can't let one person trump the needs of the other four and everyone's financial security. Your DSS obviously needs special consideration due to his ASD but that doesn't mean that everyone else doesn't matter. A balance needs to be achieved and he can't just hold everyone to ransom because he is unable and unwilling to contemplate that change is both the wanted and needed by four other people.

I think he needs to move somewhere that is sustainable and practical. A single man doesn't need 3 bedrooms and it can easily become a burden for someone that struggles to maintain the house and do the required cleaning etc. He may well not see this but there is a high likelihood that a one bedroom flat would be far more appropriate for him as he would have a better chance of keeping on top of everything and won't have a garden to worry about. I don't think it's wise for him to move in with you as I suspect this would cause a lot of bitterness and resentment in many ways. He is unlikely to pull his weight and he is probably going to find it difficult to be around so many other people who will all have the potential of impacting his routines and way of life.

You do need legal; advice, you can't just boot him out and sell up, he has to consent to moving out and sign papers to that effect. Also you talk about ringfencing the money from the house for him, but you want to buy a house with it in the meantime. What happens if your DH dies before you, does his portion go to DSS, then you and DSS own it jointly, is that a position you want to find yourself in? Or if he leaves his half to you and you need care then it all goes on that and is not ringfenced at all. A solicitor should be able to talk all this through with you.

Yes I do. My two children are ASD. All ASD people are different and have different traits. They all have different things that stress them, strengths and areas they can’t or won’t compromise on. Etc some are autism traits and some are character and some are choice.

ASD was mentioned as I didn’t want you drip feed and it is relevant. He is rigid in thinking. Once he gets his mind in something it is really hard to get him to shift.

He washes up his plate and mug at work without be asked etc and his car is immaculate. Before he got a car - he drove DH’s all the time, dented it (DH paid), covered in mud , never put fuel in or screen wash we thought that was just him not thinking etc and possibly his age - now he owns a car it is immaculate, he fills it with fuel and keeps it clean - he wasn’t told to do any of this he just started doing it. But to put it in context, we chose the car, got a good deal and took him to view it etc / without that he would not of done it. He wanted a car and wanted the type of car he has. But he did not want to pay for it. But we got to the point we needed two cars so he was told he had to buy one. Without us he wouldn’t have a car / 4 years later he would still be driving DH’s car and we would still be sharing mine. Living with autism or children with autism does not mean it is a carte blanc to do what you like, neither does it for a NT person. When you live together everything you do impacts on others. Any way this is going off topic it’s not meant to be a thread on ND.

If Adult son doesn't live with you then could you buy a smaller property for the rest of you?

What if Adult son got a mortgage and used his savings to buy a 50% share of the house he is currently in. Could you buy something suitable then?

Sounds like son having his own flat would work for other reasons - he keeps his car clean because it is his so I imagine he could well feel the same about his own flat. Would it be better to sort that first, finding a place he can buy local to where he is, then once he is moved in, you'd be free to clean up your DH's place and sell it? And then get on with your plans to buy. It doesn't all have to be accomplished at once.

If he’s not looking after the house in general who is doing/paying for any general maintenance? I’d also be concerned the house was generally falling into disrepair if he’s not looking after things properly?

Or is there an expectation this falls to you & DH? Which isn’t fair as you’re not living there.

Ah
So dad was living at home with son
Supporting son with his autism
Dad meets new girl
Dad moves out of home and in with new girl
Son left alone at home struggling to cope
New girl and dad wants son to leave home and find elsewhere to Iive

Clearly son is going to need some support to be able to do what you want

I think, given this situation with the car, your DH needs to get proactive. Help his son to find a flat, take him to viewings, and then purchase one.

His Dad needs to tell him he's selling the house (and it's good that you're planning to ring-fence the proceeds for later). Being presented with This Is Happening, as opposed to Can We Do This is easier to process.

I would think this is the best option, sadly he can’t just live virtually rent free forever, whilst stopping his dad moving on with his life.

Despite his disability, if he’s been able to go to uni and hold down a job he’s able to understand this and you’ll need to tell him the timescales and what his options are rather than ask.

The option of staying isn’t possible unless he pays a mortgage on the house, he’s had a minimal rent for a good amount of time but it can’t continue.

And I say this as someone who has a sister in a kind of similar situation who still lives with my dad, he’s moving soon and she’s been given plenty of warning that her options are move with him and there will be a place for her, or stay but figure out her own living arrangements - it might sound harsh but she’s been told not asked because essentially it’s not her house so it’s her overall decision.

DH just needs to tell his DS that the house is being sold and his options are XYZ.

He won't like the change but he can and will adapt.

I think he's a pisstaker and ASD is blinding you to it. You don't get to have a 3 bed house to yourself for peanuts in rent just because you're ND.

Set out his options but sale of house is non-negotiable.

You've got the template that works then. The process for helping him out of the (former) family home and into a home of his own can be done, step by step, in a similar way to helping him get his own car.

And you know that although he is passively resistant initially, actually when the change comes it is good for him and the greater independence leads to increased capacity for managing that area (eg, car maintenance) on his own.

I think his DF should be careful not to allow a step backwards into less independence (moving in with you), and to work out with DSS all the practical things that make living alone right now work for him - such as remaining close to work so commute is minimal etc... - in the way he went about choosing the right car for him.

I haven't seen anyone talking about anyone's needs giving them carte blanche. But DSS does have particular needs, and only one living parent to help support them. His DF will prioritise those, as you presumably do the needs of your DC (such as wanting to accommodate your eldest living at home during university), but it sounds like there is enough money to both fund a smaller place for DSS and release equity for DH to contribute to his own housing needs - part of a 3 bed place with you and your DC.

Could the money stretch to buying dss a one bed flat outright or with a small mortgage that he could cover in his preferred area? Then you and dh buy a smaller 3 bed house in your area, also possibly with a small mortgage?

It’s not his house and may never be eg if your DH needed care it would have to be sold. I don’t think he should have been given a choice. My DS is autistic and we will have to downsize and he will have to deal with that. He will be better not knowing until it’s a done deal and there is a set moving date. Involving him in months of uncertainty and decisions would be more stressful. His default would be to keep everything the same but he does cope with change when there is a clear plan and supported through it. Ideally you need a sustainable long term option eg a 1 bed property or shared ownership or annexe or supported living situation / ND community so there doesn’t need to be further change down the line. It’s a pity he won’t allow outside help as often my son is more receptive when it’s someone outside the family giving him instructions eg about life skills. Does he get PIP / has he had a social care assessment? You aren’t leaving him homeless I think you just need to crack on with legal side and sale. His needs don’t trump common sense or everyone else’s needs. Maybe involving him so much isn’t helpful and it just needs to happen with a clear plan of where he will move to. Staying near work i can understand as he may find work exhausting enough without a commute. Plus it doesn’t sound like he can live communally without that causing new problems.

He is obviously not stupid and he clearly understands numbers so how about making this whole situation a mathmatical one and putting it writing. Give him the actual facts about what you can afford and how the situation might pan out in future.

I wouldn't tell him I'd write it all down.

This.

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm with you- my son has ADHD and has a decent job -if you referred to him as disabled he would say he most certainly isn't. If this guy is working, driving, holding down a job and has savings- then he's capable of independent living and pandering to him isn't doing anyone any favours- I'm amazed he has got away with peppercorn rent too having the house to himself- no wonder he doesn't want to move.

OP I think you have to tell him what is happening , it's being sold - it's not his cash!! And as for people mentioning inheritance, no it isn't his inheritance , his dad has a family and he can be part of a total inheritance, but not to the detriment of wife and other children- inheritance isa nicely welcome privilege at a sad time, not a guaranteed right.

He either chooses to come with you or you help him lol for somewhere else, contribute towards deposit and fees on a shared ownership etc . I would make it clear that of course he will be included in any inheritance planning

The other option of course is to tell him you will be remortgaging that house on a buy to let to raise the difference and will need to charge him the cost of the mortgage every month and he will need to pay the bills

I feel very sorry for him. He has lost his mum young and now his home will be taken. He may be 25 but if you join forces with his DF he will not get his inheritance down the line if you are a lot younger.

I would be fair and give him a proportion to buy a one bedroom flat outright.

It's his mum and dad's home. It would be reasonable to split it - even just so that his mum's half goes directly to him - and for him to buy a one/two bedroom place in his name. Then the other half (his dad's half) is free to rehouse his dad (and should then be ringfenced in any inheritance) to him when your DH dies, with you having a life interest in it. You and your children should not benefit from his mum's share.

What a completely inaccurate summing up.

It sounds like he's really resistant to change but is ultimately really proud when he DOES achieve something by himself eg the car and keeping it really clean. So, given that and the fact it's what his mum wanted for him and he wanted for himself at one point, I think it's worth your DH pushing him a bit on this.

What if you sold DH's house, gave DSS the £80K now for the shared ownership owned 50% (assuming that's the % the £80K buys). DSS keeps his £20K as a rainy day fund and pays the remaining shared ownership rent. Maybe give him a timescale and go and look at some shared ownership places to get him more invested in the idea? It does sound like it could be really good for him to take ownership of something "his". He could still come to your new place for dinner.

Then you could adjust how to split the inheritance on the new house according to the new figures. Maybe you could buy a smaller/cheaper place if you knew you didn't need an annex for DSS.