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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

292 replies

Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 10:12

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 12/11/2024 17:54

@Wanttobuyahouse I think you are being perfectly fair OP - I wouldn't think it was fair if no provision was made and hence if you move you should do wills- and maybe your H should have life assurance up to the level of half that house that goes to him - less fiddly than making you sell your home etc - however as I said if you looked at converting it to a buy to let-he could just be left 1/2,the house and he would own half already

Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 17:55

Changingplace · 12/11/2024 13:41

If he’s not looking after the house in general who is doing/paying for any general maintenance? I’d also be concerned the house was generally falling into disrepair if he’s not looking after things properly?

Or is there an expectation this falls to you & DH? Which isn’t fair as you’re not living there.

Show quote history

We do it in our holidays and have done for 4 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 17:57

EffinMagicFairy · 12/11/2024 14:39

I feel for DSS, having been there, lost our mums at an early age, Dad meets new partner with a new family, suddenly not only have we lost our mums but part of dad as he has a new family now. It hurts for a very long time, I’m older now and can see that my dad was entitled to another relationship and glad he found one, but it took time, more than 7 years. I’m a bit sceptical, you need the money to buy a house, so if anything happens to DH, will DS get his inheritance straight away or will you get the right to live in it until you pass, then DSS gets his share? So you get the privilege of living off his parents house money, and then sounds like your DH will need a watertight will, as you don’t appear to like DSS very much, I’d worry you would just leave it to your DC.

I have never ever ever said this and wouldn’t do this.

Don’t assume or judge people by your standards. I have a life insurance worth 500 K if I die- it is split 3 ways not 2. All children get an equal share.

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 12/11/2024 18:01

Can you sell DH's house and buy a 1 bedroom flat for his son? Then use the rest to put towards your house (and still ringfencing the rest for DSS in the future).

Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:16

This is the crux of it.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 12/11/2024 18:17

“He has said no.”

I’d let him know I’m not asking

caringcarer · 12/11/2024 18:22

He can't have everything he wants. It's your DH house and his DS is not the only child to consider. I'd ask DH to tell his older DC he is selling the house and you together are buying a larger house. There will be a room in your new larger house for him if he wants it otherwise you will help him find a room in a shared house in the area he lives in now. Those are his 2 reasonable options.

Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:44

OnyourbarksGSG · 12/11/2024 16:46

Call adult social services and ask to speak to the enablement team. They have been life changing in helping my adult son who also lives in our owned flat on his own but seems incapable of cleaning or looking after it. They have come out and helped him to see sense where all of our efforts have failed miserably. He is also 25 and is incredibly reluctant to move out but we need to sell up to purchase a larger home and partially fund retirement dreams. We have offered to put a deposit down on a flat of his own and he was dead against it but is sort coming around to the idea with the help of the enablement worker he has. She’s an absolute God send.

Show quote history

This might be possible for us to investigate but I’m 100% certain DSS will not engage. DH chose his uni, applied for him etc as he just would not do it himself. He did the course got a 1 st but would not have got a job or gone to uni if DH hadn’t just done it and given him a choice. It was just do this. And he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:45

caringcarer · 12/11/2024 18:22

He can't have everything he wants. It's your DH house and his DS is not the only child to consider. I'd ask DH to tell his older DC he is selling the house and you together are buying a larger house. There will be a room in your new larger house for him if he wants it otherwise you will help him find a room in a shared house in the area he lives in now. Those are his 2 reasonable options.

Dh says this - it’s tough.

I’ve said he could live with us and save. DH says we buy the house and give him whatever saving we have left (prob £50 K or more) and he uses the total 70 K to buy a flat and DH says he can live with us for a year tops whilst he sorts it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:51

EffinMagicFairy · 12/11/2024 17:46

@LuckySantangelo35 obviously I’m not talking about the washing up🤣, it’s the expectation that this boy/man after losing his mum can just slot into this new family his father has found, it will be awkward. Can’t think he would want to live with them, I didn’t, when my DF moved my SM and her 3 DC into our family home - I moved out.

Actually they all get on well. Reasonably well. DH sees more of him now than when they lived together.

nothing was forced it was all slow and careful.

It was hard for my two as well. They are both ASD too. We didn’t do this quickly - it has taken years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:52

EffinMagicFairy · 12/11/2024 14:39

I feel for DSS, having been there, lost our mums at an early age, Dad meets new partner with a new family, suddenly not only have we lost our mums but part of dad as he has a new family now. It hurts for a very long time, I’m older now and can see that my dad was entitled to another relationship and glad he found one, but it took time, more than 7 years. I’m a bit sceptical, you need the money to buy a house, so if anything happens to DH, will DS get his inheritance straight away or will you get the right to live in it until you pass, then DSS gets his share? So you get the privilege of living off his parents house money, and then sounds like your DH will need a watertight will, as you don’t appear to like DSS very much, I’d worry you would just leave it to your DC.

Both DH and I have life insurance mine is 500 K for example and actually it is split 3 ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 18:55

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/11/2024 16:35

I don't think his son should have to buy the property. Both his biological parents paid for it. He's an only child and would more than likely inherit it anyway. I view that as stealing from him. I'm sure his deceased mother would not be too happy with what you want to do with the property she worked and paid for.

Even if he's 25, he should be allowed to remain in his family home. Especially if he has a disability. It's cruel to want to turf him out.

It's not his father's responsibility to set you and your children up in life. His father could continue to see you but not live with you and your children. More blended family drama which puts children (and adult children) at a disadvantage. Leave him alone.

Both my biological parents paid for their house. They were entitled to move, sell etc and indeed have done - I didn’t get a say. I might inherit or might not - it’s not my right to get anything.

They are still alive and kicking.

It’s not any right of any child to be set up in life. If we continue in 30 years. DSS is still living there and we are 85 and renting (!!!) it’s stark.

OP posts:
Purplehydra · 12/11/2024 18:56

He stays where he is.
he gets a mortgage and buys his dad out
or his dad raises a mortgage on the house with the son covering payments
you buy new house
you’d have to make sure his house is maintained, I’d get cleaner/gardner/handyman to cover

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/11/2024 18:57

I'm not liking the vibes of this post at all. Son should inherit house worth 350,000 (if no care fees needed in future). You only have 20,000 saved yourself. I might be wrong but I think it's really disappointing that you're so eager to sell his family some so that you can buy a property for yourself and children who are not relatedto him. Of course you say you won't take advantage of him in years to come but that's easy to say now
All your posts are moaning about him and his personality too. I may be called unreasonable but deep down i think thats vulcher like.

7yo7yo · 12/11/2024 19:01

Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 17:57

I have never ever ever said this and wouldn’t do this.

Don’t assume or judge people by your standards. I have a life insurance worth 500 K if I die- it is split 3 ways not 2. All children get an equal share.

Show quote history

Why are you splitting your life insurance in 3?? There’s being right, being fair and being a mug! That should be for your children only!

Changingplace · 12/11/2024 19:02

Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 17:51

He does not lack capacity. He does not get DLA or PIP he works earning about £25 K a year at the end of 25. He could get a higher paid job. He doesn’t want to. He won’t do anything unless asked - or he wants to.

He is going away next week on holiday. He has booked, paid for and organised it (abroad) as it is somewhere he wants to visit. He is going for a week.

Show quote history

He sounds very capable, I think people are quick to assume that because someone has ASD they’re completely unable to live their lives, he’s clearly very able to do the things the wants to, go to uni, hold down a job and go on holiday!

I think he needs to understand this isn’t an ask, it’s what’s happening, he has plenty of options.

User364837 · 12/11/2024 19:05

I think his ASD is a very significant factor here.
it sounds like it doesn’t want things to change and also might not be finding it easy to see things from his dad’s point of view
(not suggesting he is particularly vulnerable or not able to be independent but is probably hard to talk to about it)

FlyMeToPluto · 12/11/2024 19:06

Gift him part of his inheritance now so he can buy a flat - work out what mortgage he can afford and gift him the deposit (above his £20k saved)

FlyMeToPluto · 12/11/2024 19:07

(From the house sale)

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/11/2024 19:07

Dad and son need to protect themselves. Who is to say your relationship with dad won't break down either. What happens then? He is not related to your children. I don't know why he is combining assets with you. Sorry if this is blunt but you have very, very little compared to your partners assets (which his first wife worked and paid for). It will all work in your favour if you get rid of his son now.

I'm not advocating for son to stay there until he is 85. But there are other ways around this and you know that.

caringcarer · 12/11/2024 19:14

Unless you are going to gift your shared DC and your DC £50k too I don't think it's fair to gift his older DC.

Lollypop701 · 12/11/2024 19:14

It’s dad’s house… he’s renting to subsidise his adult working child. Dad can’t afford to live his life and rent and plan retirement.

They are not talking about making the adult son homeless they are talking about him becoming self sufficient. Considering his problems with change it would be a good thing to see him settled in a home now imo. Which is what we all want for our kids.

the money from the house is ring fenced so he will inherit in due course… or not if his dad needs care. That’s life .

the car was a good example op. Find him a home that’s suitable and tell him he’s moving. Maybe a choice of 2 if he can cope with that. He can still come round 2-3 times a week and hopefully he will love his new home in the way he loves his car. Good luck op you have a lot of work ahead

Changingplace · 12/11/2024 19:25

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/11/2024 18:57

I'm not liking the vibes of this post at all. Son should inherit house worth 350,000 (if no care fees needed in future). You only have 20,000 saved yourself. I might be wrong but I think it's really disappointing that you're so eager to sell his family some so that you can buy a property for yourself and children who are not relatedto him. Of course you say you won't take advantage of him in years to come but that's easy to say now
All your posts are moaning about him and his personality too. I may be called unreasonable but deep down i think thats vulcher like.

Nobody is entitled to inherit anything, even without care home possibilities his dad could sell up and spend it sailing around the world if he wanted to.

EffinMagicFairy · 12/11/2024 19:33

Wanttobuyahouse · 12/11/2024 17:57

I have never ever ever said this and wouldn’t do this.

Don’t assume or judge people by your standards. I have a life insurance worth 500 K if I die- it is split 3 ways not 2. All children get an equal share.

Show quote history

Not my standards, my step mothers standards, she’s the one sat on my parents assets, since DF has also passed. She won’t be the first step mother to do this and not the last. Step mother who also didn’t bring any financial gain into the relationship. I am sceptical, especially as you have not said one kind word about your DSS.

BruFord · 12/11/2024 19:33

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/11/2024 18:57

I'm not liking the vibes of this post at all. Son should inherit house worth 350,000 (if no care fees needed in future). You only have 20,000 saved yourself. I might be wrong but I think it's really disappointing that you're so eager to sell his family some so that you can buy a property for yourself and children who are not relatedto him. Of course you say you won't take advantage of him in years to come but that's easy to say now
All your posts are moaning about him and his personality too. I may be called unreasonable but deep down i think thats vulcher like.

@BoundaryGirl3939 Where is his Dad, who paid for the three-bedroom house, supposed to live?

Is he supposed to rent for the rest of his life?

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