Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

I'm not understanding why you're asking not telling. Assuming DH is in agreement to sell his home.

Obviously it would be reasonable for DH to consider making sure a home you bought had room for his son who sounds like he may have mental health issues. But assuming you aren't suggesting leaving him homeless I'd be saying we're selling, we're buying X house you're welcome to come or we will help you settle in your own place.

ASD doesn't give him carte blanche to override the needs of the rest of the family, everyone has to be considered. I wouldn't countenance him living with you, that would be a recipe for disaster, organise him a 1 bed flat.

Buying him a 1 bedroom flat near his work with some of the proceeds from your house sale that your DH helps his to buy would be best for his SS.

Your DH needs to tell your DSS that the 3 bedroom house is being sold, and this is what is happening. As with the car, he will eventually see its best for him in the long run, but will need to be guided through the whole process carefully by your DH supporting him through it.

It's not DSSs house so tbh I wouldn't be giving him a say in what you plan to do. He isn't entitled to a free house while his dad struggles with rent.

I'd be making it clear he's always welcome to move in with you but otherwise he needs to be out on X date unless he wants to buy it off his dad

The dad wasn’t forced out into rental to let the son have the house to himself, the dad left his home and his son (who would have been technically an adult tbf) in order to live with OP and her kids.

He is going to have to learn to cope with bills. And cleaning. I think you can do too much for his own good. You and his father will not be around forever. He needs to be able to be independent and as he is earning, shoring him up on things he can afford is not doing him favours in the long term. He has to get into the way of paying his way.
Can you buy him a small flat in the area he is in now, so his work travel doesn’t change? Sell the house, buy what you need? Put surplus into a trust for him if it’s his mother’s share. Edited to add, I see it’s sorted, so good. Ignore

Yes @DownThePubWithStevieNicks and now he’s decided to sell the house so it does need to be vacated. He’s continued to pay the bills and do the maintenance, which is fair enough, but now he wants to sell it.

I appreciate that this may seem unimaginable to some people, but longterm, his son will be fine. As I said upthread, my Dad sold the family home a couple of years after my Mum died in my mid-20’s. 25 years later, it’s fine, we’ve moved on as a family. I know that his son has ASD, but he sounds very high-functioning. If his Dad is still there for him emotionally, it sounds as if he’ll be ok.

Can you sell the house and help him to buy him his own flat - he could contribute his savings?
Hopefully this would then generate cash for your own house purchase.

@Wanttobuyahouse
*
Yes he is Eeyore but we have a piglet, Pooh and kanga here too - we all are different and we all try to get on.*

You sound lovely op.
I'm a step mum (4 kids - mine , ours , his)
I also lost a mum and received, along with sibling, an inheritance from late dm, when dad sold the family home.
Your update sounds great.
I too want to make sure kids get their fair share (we'll split 4 ways as this house is ours)
Hope you find him a lovely new build.
Good moving to you all.

It’s funny because normally when you get posts where an adult child is still living with parents and hasn’t married or had a relationship, people go on about freeloading and how terrible it is they can’t stand on their own two feet. But here, just because the dad remarried, he’s supposed to fund the son for life while he pays expensive rent and the son’s bills while the son saves all his money. It’s his house! Of course he’s allowed to sell it and use it for himself. It’s so mad how different scenarios are treated. And no as an adult child you are not entitled by right to your parents’ money. Even if one of your parents dies and the other remarries. I

I agree.
He needs guiding into what IS going to happen.
He doesn't have a say as he isn't contributing in any way at all.

Delusional

Right whereas it’s totally cool for pensioner dad to be living in a rental while able bodied 25 year old son lives rent free and doesn’t even pay bills is it? If I was putting my life savings and using my pension lump sum to pay off the mortgage to a house then yeah I’d want it to be in joint names too. She’s already got her life insurance set to benefit her stepson so can’t hate him that much.

How many on here would be happy living in a rental while your adult child who can afford to move out lives rent free in the house you own meaning you can’t buy anything of your own?

Also the dad can and probably will make provision for the son in his will.

@Startinganew32 exactly

I would probably put it in the name of the son to ensure the step mother and her children does not get hands on what is the father's the the dead mother's inheritance for the young man. However it is the husband's property (unless the mother's will said only her half to husband for his life and then to her son) so up to the husband. nothing to do with the new wife at all.

Tell him he can live with you in your new house/in annexe garage. The proceed to go ahead.
You can’t put his needs above your own. It isn’t fair on the rest of your family

I agree with everyone saying he needs telling what will happen and that will give him time to accept it and process it.

OP, for years I’ve been bending over backwards to accommodate my DD regarding relocating and eventually it came to a breaking up because she just kept moving the goalposts. Unfortunately as much as we love our children, I now think that sometimes too accommodating can work against them as well. Life won’t always be accommodating.
When DD was informed that I plan on relocating within a year, she threw a fit but eventually subsided.

I work with a young man who has enormous savings, lives with his parents, contributes nothing and still he was deeply offended when his father needed help paying the mortgage one month. It’s just not okay.