Trying to be fair to adult child when you want to move and they are at home

[Wanttobuyahouse]

DH owns a house. Outright.
Worth 250K. Adult son has always lived at home. Pays a token rent. House is 3 bedrooms. Son is 25. Works full time earns over 25 K, has 20 K saved.

DH and I rent - he moved in with me and my 2 children who are younger. We have a deposit and some savings but the cheapest 4 bed house is about £200 K more than we can raise (we are over 55) . So we need to sell the other house to buy.

Adult son will not move out. Does not want to. Likes cheap rent and saving and does not want to move out and rent as it is ‘not affordable’.

We live about 45 minute drive away. He comes over x2-3 a week for dinner. He likes this as it is ‘free’ although he moans about paying for his petrol.

He has enough for a 1 bed room flat to buy via deposits and mortgage.

DH has tried to talk to him but he doesn’t want us to use the house to buy a bigger house in our area as he doesn’t want to pay to commute (he can drive) 45 minutes to work.

He has said no. House in DH name and paid for by DH. Adult son’s mum died a number of years ago.We have suggested we sell the house and buy one we can all live in - as our rented house is too small for this. Our rent is twice what our mortgage would be.

Am I missing anything? Has anyone been in this situation? Moving with adult children living at home?

our suggestion is we ring fenced the money made for the sale of DH house and buy a new one - but ring fence the money for adult son - it’s his inheritance.

I am slightly younger and will work for longer and put more into mortgage and I have a deposit.

is there any solution I am not seeing?

Adult son has no social life he is ASD works in a job 25K and has a degree. Will not move jobs either saying ‘I can’t’ . He has been saying this for 3 years despite a first class degree. He will not move jobs or area or apply.

He struggles socially (even with us) we see him x2-3 times a week. Even then he will not help or volunteers to cook or wash up. - separate issue.

His solution is things stay as they are. He won’t move out or rent or house share or buy something?

has anyone been in this situation?

DH was hoping we could talk to him reasonably and explain the financial implications for us, and adult son would agree but it’s not happening, we don’t want to sell the house from under him. We really don’t or fall out with him.

ideally we want them all living away in their own homes. I have one at uni and one that is at primary school. So we can’t move area and DH and I both work local to where we live which is nicer and we want to retire here in 10 years.

If the son has a job and a degree he is clearly 'high functioning'. I have a teenage son with ASD so sympathise (and mine will never get a degree as he also has learning difficulties) - but you do need to a) lead your own lives and b) help him to be as independent as possible.

Agree with PPs who have said you need to tell him this is happening, then support him in dealing with it. If he can buy a one bedroom flat then that would be the ideal solution - with your help/advice/assistance. If not the perhaps investigate options for housing for people with additional needs?

But you clearly can't just let him live there forever while you are struggling. DS may feel it's unfair, but it is your DHs house and he is entitled to sell it. DS needs support, not his preferred way all the time.

Good luck!

He has ASD so it doesn’t really matter how much savings, or how old he is, you have to work something out so that he is still under the wing of his father, so he feels comfortable. Stop trying to pull the rug out from under him and make arrangements that don’t include him. It’s what his mother would have wanted and it’s why his fathers holding back form making changes.

Ridiculous that he’s living rent free in a 3 bed house when his dad is in his 50s and in rented. He has ASD but he also has a job and managed to get a degree so while he might not like it, he can cope with change. So I’d put it on the market and then give him some of the proceeds to put towards a one bed flat and he can get a mortgage. Or he lives with you - choice is his but the option of staying in the house needs to be taken off the table.

Ummm why the fuck should the dad have to live in rented for the rest of his life while his adult able to work son lives rent free in a house he never paid for? Seriously are people mad?

Ummm why the fuck should the dad have to live in rented for the rest of his life while his adult able to work son lives rent free in a house he never paid for? Seriously are people mad?

Nobody said that though, did they? You just made it up.

Okay I’ve read the updates and OP you sound like a lovely step mum to DSS and I am delighted he has changed his mind as this seems like the best thing for everyone, especially him.
People on here are mad with their obsessions about hating step parents and people getting their “rightful” inheritance. Oh and 25 year olds being treated like babies.

Well if he didn’t move dad would need to stay in rented wouldn’t he? Anyway, happily he is moving.

What's happening is essentially theft. The stepmother appears to be wording her dilemma to make herself look so innocent. She is demonising her partners son to justify he own secret agenda. She doesn't give a shit about him. He's in the way of what she really wants. Her partner is a dope. He could end up homeless himself if his relationship with her breaks down. She certainly knew who to pick.

I would never, ever encroach on a widowers assets, especially if he had a family with first wife. Why doesn't the op have her shit together at this stage in her life?

People here saying the son needs to move out. Most 25 year olds I know are still living at home. Property costs and rent are insane. Why shouldn't he live in his own home and save.

This is a shit show. Poor lad being shafted. But what goes around comes around. I've seen it happen.

According the the op he is. But he has been under pressure for years to get out. So I don't think it's what he wants deep down.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That was a shit show. Such a mess. Obviously he should have kept his own assets separate if he already had his own children. I cant understand some people.

Did she move her children into his property too? Are they still there?

Well who cares what he wants deep down. It’s not fair or appropriate and he’s letting the house fall into disrepair.

According to the op he is letting the house fall into disrepair but I don't believe that. It's a total exaggeration. He is holding down a job, saving and likes keeps to himself. Seems sensible. A house doesnt just fall apart like that. Her story is full of holes and bullshit.

Huh??? The dad is the one being shafted if anyone is. How many adults move out into rental to let their adult children live rent free in their houses and they can’t then buy something for themselves? In what universe is it hardship for a 25 year old man to get his own place and not leech off daddy?
OP is due a large lump sum on retirement. Similar to my pension where I will get about 200k as a lump sum that will go to clear any mortgage. She will also be paying half the mortgage and putting in all her savings. She’s paying her way. This man is also being left 50% of the new house in his will. The new house that’s worth much more than the current one. And the one that his dad would have had no hope of buying had it not been for the OP.

How would you know though? If you don’t know these people, how can you just assume that the OP is lying? A lot of people neglect their homes. And yeah if you don’t keep on top of maintenance and housework a house quickly deteriorates. She also says that they help him out and go over to clean and do DIY.

It's the son being shafted. You believe the op and her promises on all these lumpsums? And she will share these monies with the stepson she dislikes? Delusional.

Sorry but she doesn't have a great track record to date. Very little to her name. Thats a red flag for a woman in her 50s. So nice that she can get her hands on dopey partners assets at this stage of her life.

How do you know she's telling the truth though?

This man is also being left 50% of the new house in his will.

Not quite. If the dad dies first - which he likely will due to being older - the house goes to the OP 100%. She is saying she will leave the stepson half in her Will, but that doesn't mean she actually will.

The new house that’s worth much more than the current one. And the one that his dad would have had no hope of buying had it not been for the OP.

And his first wife don't forget. The house he wants to sell to buy a house with the OP was paid off by another woman dying.

I think it is absolutely ridiculous that neither of these parents have any interest in protecting their children's inheritance. More so him though because he's letting his new wife benefit from the death of his first wife instead of ringfencing that money for his son.

Okay well that’s dumb but can be so easily resolved if the dad leaves his share on trust for the OP but only for her life and then to the son. Very very easy to do and he can unilaterally sever any joint tenancy at any time should he wish.
Adult children thinking they’re owed inheritance is a bit grim tbh.

Yes, but that's not what they're doing. The OP has already said that the house will go to her 100% and that she will split it 25/25/50 in her Will.

Well you never know, she might do that 🤷‍♀️
stranger things have happened. Not all stepmums are evil witches. But the dad could very easily rectify it.

Anyway I’ve read her posts and it doesn’t quite put it like you described. She says they will draw it up legally and make sure it’s fair.

Have you read the thread? This woman has nothing nice to say about her husband's son. She has no relationship with him. He is not her stepson, he is just her husband's child who is being an inconvenience in her plan for her own family.

The father is a complete idiot.

As soneone said "All you can do is be clear that this is going to happen and on what timeline, e.g. we are going to be selling the house in autumn 2025. You have a choice between option X or option Y"
The current situation is clearly untenable and you need to sell and move out of renting. His options are:

1. He buys his own place, perhaps with some additional help from you if you feel DHs house is "his inheritance"
2. He moves in with you, in your converted annex. I don't see that this should be rent or bill free, but maybe at lower cost than his current rent/bills to allow for his increased petrol costs. He will just have to sack up the travel.

I don't see that he will be able to buy you out of the current house for enough for you to fund your new purchase. Besides, it's oversized for 1. Of course he won't like change but you will be there to support him for either option, as you both have clearly already done over the years.

You're going to have to sell the house. Give him the option to move with you or buy his own flat. What you seem to have is an obstinate adult/toddler! He needs to be responsible for himself.