Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

My goodness, that really is dreadful, I'd absolutely cut back on what I was doing for them.

Wow, I’d be really hurt, OP. Your son sounds quite selfish 😔

He was completely wrong not to thank you. Virtually the same thing happened at my son's wedding. We paid for the whole thing. We are constantly tapped for money but are not PROPER family and worthy of a mention. it is galling. :(

What a wanker. Someone should have a word with him.

A similar (not the same backstory) thing happened to a friend of mine who was the groom and it's still a "thing" now as his mum mentioned it on the day and this was 8 years ago. Well done for not saying anything at the time as you would have looked like the unreasonable one even though your feelings are completely valid.

My friend the groom is adamant nerves took over and it wasn't deliberate but he had notes so I'm not convinced on that.

Is there a close family member who can mention to him you were upset and it was out of order?

Also the hen do thing is terrible.

You sound like an amazing person to be related to and I think you did the right thing on the day to pin a smile to your face and carry on.

But, now, if I were you, I'd arrange a time to talk to my son (with no partner, no baby, etc, as a distraction) - no audience and no hurry. And I'd talk about it with him. My guess is he'll be mortified and he'll apologise and you'll forgive him.

But maybe I'd be slightly less available (no more calling in sick at work to help him out) because you don't want to be taken for a mug.

I’m so sorry op 💐💐💐

I wouldn’t say anything - hopefully someone in your family will put him straight - but I wouldn’t put yourself out for them as much, certainly do not miss work and put your own job second for him any longer.

He has demonstrated that he doesn’t value you as he should. i think it reflects very badly on him tbh.

This is very sad, OP. You’re not wrong to feel upset.

I agree that saying something might not be the best idea, but someone else could have a word.

Do either of them ever thank you for all you do in day-to-day life?

This is terrible but sometimes you have to blow your own trumpet or people don't see you and don't appreciate what you do.
This goes in the work place, at home, socially. Some people get noticed and some quiet and humble hard working people do not get noticed.
You do it because you love your son and grandson and want them to be happy and well and expect nothing for it. But when everyone else gets thanked except you, it tells you that you are not held in the same respect as the bride's family.

I'm not sure what to say.
Hopefully someone will say it to your son. Don't deny your hurt if he does say it to you. Let him know you were hurt. You don't need to take revenge or go on about it forever but I wouldn't be taking time off work to help them out again.

You got their child and elderly relatives ready for the wedding without a second thought or grumble when someone else could have been having meltdowns about not having enough time to get ready themselves.
I actually think them asking you to miss the hen to babysit was very off too. Clearly you are not prioritised with them. You need to prioritise yourself if others don't do it. That's a life skill and it's definitely never too late to start doing it.

You are a great mom, grandmom, daughter/niece and person and we all think you're great even if your son hasn't copped it yet.

oh how hurtful OP. You did very well to stay so composed at the table and evening do. I'm amazed her family didn't say something! I certainly would if that had been my son in law.

They must have know the stag would be the same day as the hen for weeks though, those things take some planning, or did another babysitter pull out? That's rude and hurtful as well.

Sounds like you are an amazing mum.

Don't hold it against him. He will have read a book/website that tells him the job of the groom is to thank these people.. which he did, and he was so busy (and probably nervous) that he just forgot to think. - but who do I need to thank?

My DH did this, he forgot several important people he should have said something about. Felt awful afterwards. I don't think it will help to tell him as it's not like he can go back and re do it.

I’m so sad for you. It is as if what you do has been invisible.

I think you do need to say to him you feel hurt. It seems as if he takes you for granted. I would hope it’s just that he sees you as SO reliable that he hasn’t realised that actually there needs to be thanks and acknowledgement given too.

I agree with all of this.

All these posters saying 'hopefully somebody else will tell him'. That's half the problem! That you are not seen as a full human with a mind of her own. Take the bull by the horns and talk it through with him! You don't have to be (passive) aggressive, sulky or confrontational to be assertive.

I think you will need to tell him at some point soon. That would be better than letting it fester. Explain it was hurtful and that you feel disappointed that everything you do for them wasn't considered worthy of mention, and you now feel a bit taken for granted.

Obviously you look after your gran son because you love him, but dropping this gs at short notice to have him is putting yourself out, how do they not realise that? I'm afraid they sound a bit selfish.

I would tell him

This is so sad. Sending you a big hug.

As a DIL of a horrible MIL, you sound like an absolute dream and should be appreciated by the pair of them but especially your son!

Please talk to him and express your feelings, don't bottle it up!

What good would come of that though?

The son can’t go back and change his wedding speech.

And if confronted by someone he obviously takes for granted, he might just brush it off again, or feel attacked. Or think that op is trying to make him feel guilty.

It would be much better coming from someone else bc then the son will see that it’s not just his mother who thinks he behaved poorly; it would be presented as an objective observation rather than a personal feeling.

Op can be assertive by saying “no” next time she is asked to baby-sit at very late notice.

Wow, so little care for mothers and so little expectation of their adult sons on a forum for mothers. I’m furious on your behalf OP.

I would tell him how hurt you are OP and I would pull back from him and his wife - they clearly see you as ‘the help’.

I would be disgusted if I raised a son and he ended up like this.

Sorry you have been treated this way, OP.
I think you should tell him him how he has made you feel. I would also stop running round after them as much.

I was talking to three of my friends who all stumped up and paid for their son's weddings. Not being thanked as in laws is somehow seen as a win for the bride and her parents. My friend who paid for the whole wedding had to watch people queuing up at the end to thank the bride's parents who didn't pay for a thing.
It is so rude and hurtful

@Raspberryfrizzbies788 The OP can't control her son's reaction (and she can't turn back time) but she can stand up for herself and she can say her bit. Regardless of her son's thoughts, she would have communicated 'I think you should have said thank you to me too' and saying it would probably give the OP some peace of mind. She's looking out for herself even if her son won't!

I think you do need to say something otherwise this thoughtlessness will gnaw at you until one day you will bring it all out in a way that will probably fracture the relationship for good.

Try to keep calm, though this is harder to do than to say. Maybe put it into a card or letter, start positively, the wedding was joyful, her parents had helped you all to make wonderful memories, but you are feeling sad that your contribution while not as monetarily generous still represented a financial stretch for you, and that the short notice wrangling the GS (and elderly relatives) meant that the wedding got off to a calm start for everyone and that these and your other points - taken together with all the other ways you have supported the couple in the past - meant that not having this acknowledged made you feel unappreciated, marginalised and upset.

OP I feel so sad reading this. Your DS and DIL have behaved badly and they are both taking you for granted. You sound like an incredible and selfless mother but we all have our limits.
I think it was very hurtful that your DS didn’t thank you in his speech, it was very thoughtless of him.
When he returns from honeymoon I would arrange to see him, just the two of you. Tell him how much you love him and his little family and that you would do anything for them but right now you’re feeling overwhelmed and sad at his disregard for your feelings and how you feel they are taking you for granted. He knows they are. Mention the speech and how upset you were.
It will be a tricky conversation I’m sure but one I think you need to have for yourself.
Sending hugs x

Ideally it would be better if someone else had a word, but lots of people are very reluctant to interfere. So that being the case, I think you should have a word, when he comes back.
He's massively taken you for granted and it's not wrong to remind him that you are a person, with thoughts and feelings and deserving of his consideration.
He needs to hear that he hurt you. He's a grown arse man with a child of his own now - he can't go blundering through life, treating his own mum like she doesn't matter and being totally oblivious to the pain he causes!