Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I would be laying in to my son if he did that. No nicey nicey about it, I’d be bloody furious and he’d damn well know! We’ve never had an argument so he’d know this was serious stuff.

And I am so sorry this happened. You sound like a wonderful mother and mil.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but I think your best approach might be to ask another family member to take this up with your son. I say this because if you do it directly, he is likely to get defensive and argumentative. Preferably a family member he respects.

I would talk to him. It doesn't have to be a confrontational conversation but just tell him everything you have said here and how hurt you feel. Hopefully that will be enough for him to realise how rotten his actions were.

But also, be less available in the future. Have better boundaries, just because they sound the Bat Signal, doesn't mean you need to respond.

This is good advice. The son needs to understand what his mother has done for him and that good manners mean he should have thanked her.

I am very upset for the OP... who did a great job.

I'm so sorry OP, how incredibly hurtful. I agree with @ABirdsEyeView that ideally someone else pointing out to him how dreadful it was not to thank you with all you do for them. If no one can do that then absolutely tell him how hurt you are. Be calm and collected while telling him how it made you feel, when you love him, his wife and child so much, but you feel now that isn't reciprocated.
You are completely right in feeling how you do and I defy anyone to say they wouldn't be in your position.

I think this is a great idea too and the best way to approach the issue.

Rarely would I suggest that someone doesn’t confront the issue directly themself but I think this is one of those rare occasions when third party involvement would help.

Do you have a sibling, friend or other relative that could have a word. A simple “the wedding was wonderful but I and others couldn’t help but notice that you missed your mum from the list of thank yous in your speech. I hope you spoke with her privately and told her how much you appreciate the huge amount she does for you, because if I was her I’d be very hurt”.

Ouch.

I don’t think you are going to get the validation you’re hoping for by talking to him. He will probably get defensive and it will leave a bad atmosphere.

I honestly think you are just going to have to find a way to get over it. Maybe some talking therapy might help. You sound wonderful by the way.

I wouldn't get anyone to have a word. It can't be undone and all that will happen is he will be embarrassed, defensive and possibly may then feel resentful which would impact future relations.

All you can do is step back a bit. No more sick leave to babysit, no more inconvenience. Yes be available but on your terms not theirs.

You have every right to be hurt, angry and upset. Is he stupid? I mean genuinely is he a bit thick re social etiquette?

Just allow yourself to be hurt, then draw a line and move on .

They should have had the grace to say that the grooms mum should be thanked.

Its galling and I feel for OP, and your friend.

I had to give my MIL a basket of flowers to match my Mothers, in my small speech where I thanked my Mum for her help with the wedding, my mother who had paid for all of my small wedding.

The basket of flowers cost more than the £20 that the PIL gave us as a wedding present !

It's sounds like he's caught up in his new family life and having in-laws.

However he is absolutely taking you for granted.

You are clearly a lovely generous person and have been treated very badly here. Given what you've written personally u can't see his your son and DIL are as you describe them. They don't seem to see you as a person with feelings and as someone to be respected. The Hen do thing stands out because one of them or both thought it was acceptable to ask you. Regardless of how much you have supported them and been there for them it is normal to thank your parents in your speech. I'm not buying he forgot, how can you forget your own mother.

In top if this you are now in a difficult situation - if you speak to your son you will get one of two reactions - either they will be mortified or they will double down and you will made out to be needy. I wonder how confident you are that they will do the former?

The above sounds harsh and I do really feel for you but they are using you OP and they should show some respect.

Completely this. Imagine having the wherewithal to thank your mates and your in-laws but not your own mum. It's not right.

I'm sorry, OP. No wonder you're hurt.

I’m so sorry OP. That’s horrible.

But after reading your posts I’m going to say one thing which may sound quite harsh. Stop dancing around being the ever-loving, ever self-sacrificing Wonderful Woman for men. Yes, even your son. They’re mostly selfish shits, and all the give give give does is make them even more contemptuous of women.

Stop being available for your son when he doesn’t need it, he just might want it. Teach him a valuable lesson - that a woman isn’t a second class citizen that he can expect stuff from simply because he’s standing there in possession of a penis.

Sorry darling, I’ve started a new class that night. You’ll have to find another babysitter.

Even more essential after the last six months you’ve had, by the sound of it. Prioritise YOU.

And don’t feel embarrassed by the speech. Take strength and maybe at some point soon you might find yourself opening up to one or two of those family members who looked at you sympathetically.

‘Yes, that was an eye opener. Hurt? Yes I was, massively. It’s certainly made me take a step back and rethink exactly how I want to run my life… and what example I want to set to X, beloved though he of course is. Looks like it’s time to teach some hard lessons as well as some easy ones!’

I'm not surprised you are upset.

He sounds an entitled brat to be honest (and I'm not talking the modern, re-defined meaning either). I have never heard of anyone borrowing £1k from their Mum to buy an engagement ring !

It is pretty standard for the groom in his speech to thank both mothers even if neither have had any direct input into the wedding day, just to thank them for being Mums. I'm pretty sure it's in all the guides to wedding day speech making.

If I was a close family member I would be having a quiet, firm word with him for sure.

This is so hurtful and I’m very sorry you have been treated so badly by your son who should be grateful and loving towards you. He should have seen and acknowledged everything you have done for them all.

But, it does sound like on some level, over the years, you taught him to treat you this way. You taught him to take you for granted and to give no consideration to anything that inconveniences you, because you haven’t done that either, and you haven’t objected or stood up for yourself when he and his wife have treated you badly, like with the hen do. You need to work out why you’ve gone too far out of your way to help them, and work on having healthy boundaries and valuing and protecting your own time and your rights and your job. You should never be phoning in sick to help them, that’s their job as parents.

I think you also need to have a long and honest one to one conversation with him and tell him how the speech made you feel, and about how it’s made you see that your boundaries haven’t been strong and that you’ve invited him to take you for granted, and about how you deserve to be respected and appreciated in future. If you don’t have it out with him you’ll never be able to have a genuine relationship with him because the unacknowledged hurt will always be a barrier between you. I think this can be fixed, if both of you are willing to fix it.

This is a good post I think. I'm so sorry, OP. It must've been very very hurtful. x

I am so sorry for You OP

Seriously hurtful to You.

Abominable behaviour from him im amazed someone else in your family hasn't commented to him.
You've done too much and been too available and now taken for granted. He can never change what happened on the day no matter what now.......just so hurtful and disappointing

Sorry to hear this OP.

I feel that it is more of a reflection of him, rather than you.

You sound like a wonderful person.

Hmm, my dh forgot to thank anyone at his wedding speech. It was all about me, perfect by any means. But it didn't mean anything, he was so grateful for anyone's help and for everyone showing up.

Does your son ever thank you?

First of all, to all the people slating her son-this is not helpful. However op feels about how she’s been treated, this is her son, and she loves him more than anyone in this earth-so calling him a “wanker” as one of the first replies did, is not remotely helpful or necessary.
Op, I’m so sorry, you sound like such an amazing mum and grandparent-unfortunately this is the cross that so many of us bear when we have boys. It’s not right, and it’s not ok, but it is really common.
I bet he’ll have been so focused on thanking his new wife’s parents that it wouldn’t even have entered his head to thank his own, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate everything you do for him, he’s just taking it for granted at the same time, you’re his mum, his constant.
Id have a word with him if it were me, just letting him know how it’s all made you feel. He needs to know, if he doesn’t then nothing will ever change. And you deserve recognition for all that you do

That is HORRIBLE. Your poor friend.

I am so sorry, your son is a selfish brat. Is there anyone he respects who could point out to him how rude he was? Otherwise, I think you should speak to him yourself and let him know how much you were hurt.

You sound absolutely amazing and have gone out of your way to help your son and his family but he seems to totally take you for granted. By putting him first all the time, he has learnt not to respect you, and I am not sure your DiL is entirely blameless. Either they have been unlucky with childcare or they are very disorganised - asking for your help, last minute, for both the hen/stag weekend and on the wedding day. You should not be claiming sick days from your work to provide childcare, you should not be putting their wants ahead of your own needs all the time. I expect you do this with other people too and it probably brings you pleasure to help others. However, people will treat you how you let them. Your son knows he has your unconditional love and support. Make him work for that a bit and he might value it more.

I think he’s got so used to you putting him and his wants and needs first, that he simply doesn’t see it anymore and expects it as the norm. He takes you utterly for granted and your DiL has fallen in line with that.

I’m honestly not sure what I would do in your position. I doubt any of the other guests will say something to him because people often don’t react too well to having it pointed out to them that they’ve behaved badly, and not many people would take on an argument on someone else’s behalf. But the whole room will have noticed (I know I’ve certainly noticed it before). You could tell him that you were really hurt, but I suspect that he’ll think he didn’t need to thank you because you didn’t do anything over and above all the (huge amount of) help you normally give them, and that he won’t reflect on his speech and how hurtful it was because it won’t be pleasant for him to realise he’s been unbelievably ungrateful. I think I’d withdraw a bit. If they ask for help to pay for stuff, then tell them you haven’t got it. If they ask for a babysitter and you’re working, then tell them you can’t do it. You don’t need to fall out with them, or risk your relationship with your GS. Just let them realise just how much they’ve depended on you and how stuffed they’d be without you. And hopefully that might make them feel more grateful.

And buy your GS a recorder as soon as he’s old enough.