Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

OP, my heart goes out to you
I too think you should tell him how much his thoughtlessness upset you. I'd also be annoyed his wife didn't ensure you were thanked for all the help you give them both and for giving up your place at the hen do to babysit! Definitely be less obliging and available in the future, what a pair of spoiled brats!

I think I would not say anything. Carry on as normal BUT do not phone in sick etc. Politely say ‘ sorry love it’s short notice surely (your wife’s) family can help out’. It might be a trigger for him to think about his behaviour.
Your som must have rehearsed his speech in front of people-and none of them didn’t think of mentioning that you have not been included in the speech! So I understand how upset you feel.
Its hard because you don’t want any bad feelings but at the same time you don’t want to be a mug!!
You sound like you are a lovely person. I wish you was my MIL. 💐

I think we will have to agree to disagree with our different approaches.

The very fact that you can’t control a son’s reaction is why as a mother I would not be confronting him directly about this.

I feel the lesson could be driven home more effectively by a senior family member whose opinion he respects.

But each to their own!

And yes, you definitely need to start being less available. Sadly people don't appreciate the things they get easily - they only seem to appreciate help and support, when they hear the word no a few times!

Your son needs a boot up the jacksie.

Im so sorry op.

Do you have a DH? Could he have a word? If it were me I’d get DS on his own, tell him you are hurt, then list the instances. Tell him you still love him just as much but won’t be the expected fall back anymore

I think that it sounds like you go above and beyond and that you are an amazing mum, but that you are also being taken for granted. I think that you should say something.

This is in no way to blame you, but it sounds like you have gotten into a situation where you are a doormat. People only place value on things when they are receiving clear messages regarding the value of such things. It is up to you to ensure that your value and worth are known.

It is unfair, but I don't think anything will change unless you have some sort of conversation where you point out everything that you do and say that it hurt you that your contribution does not appear to be valued.

Query whether you want to continue doing so much for people who haven't given you appropriate credit for it

Haven't read all the comments but good on you for making the cake as well OP!

You keep referring to ‘her’- do you think your daughter in law is partially to blame?

I wouldn’t be so available, and would only be available for your grandson.

And I think I would matter of factly say that he forgot to thank you and you found that hurtful. No crying, no anger- just stating facts.

I think many in society view older single women as valueless

Huge huge hugs op, for the first part I was thinking so far so normal, the mil is generally taken for granted with help and isn’t involved a lot with wedding stuff etc but not being thanked, especially when your family noticed it is just awful. I’d agree you should find a way to talk to him about it. People on mn come on about birthdays being forgotten etc etc, these things need to be spoken up about!

I think you should find a time to talk to your ds on a 1:1. Tell him that the family on your side loved his speech. But they were all rather shocked that with all the thank yous, he forgot his own mum.

He needs to know that it was noticed by the wider family. That will then open up the conversation to discuss how it made you feel.

You can't ignore this because this isn't just between you and him. A roomful of people heard that speech and some will be questioning what his thought process was. I know I would.

Why didn't any of your family have a word with him?

He's your son and you need to talk with him privately, just you two, and explain how upset you were about his speech and apparent lack of gratitude for all that you have done for him.

You sound amazing 😍 Your son and DIL sound very selfish, to make you miss the hen do to babysit.

You're a better woman than me, i would have told my son after the speech how hurt i was. Please do mention it to him, it will only eat away at you and lets be honest you're a grown woman and dont need anyone else to stand up for you.

They are extremely lucky to have to you, but if they cant show appreciation, pull back from anything that doesn't involve your GC.

When he gets home sit him down and tell him what you’ve written here. Tell him that he’s a grown up now and that you’ll be taking a step back on all the help as it’s clearly not appreciated

A) you sound like an extremely helpful and loving mum / grandma

B) Your ability to hold it together and be outwardly present and happy despite feeling so hurt and snubbed speaks volumes for your emotional stability - well done.

C) I echo the PPs who suggest it would be best to get someone else to mention it to your son. Ideally someone would say “wonderful wedding, we had SUCH a lovely time etc etc I just wanted to mention that I was surprised you didn’t mention OP in your thank yous - she hasn’t said anything but I know how hard she worked to try and make it special for you…”

I really hope that happens, and that he comes and makes amends. I think so often, boys particularly, can get so set on making a good external impression that they can forget their mums in the moment - even if the still call them three times a week to talk too…

sending you love OP x

This is a good way to approach it.

That is incredibly thoughtless. Is he normally so thoughtless or do you suspect he did it on purpose. Whilst neither option is great one is much worse than the other. If it was a genuine mistake then it wouldn't be half as bad.

Lots of people giving speeches when they win awards on TV forget to mention important people.

You were right not to mention it though. In some situations you have to accept that you don't have much, if any, power.

BTW it's not good that you lied to your work about being 'sick' so that you could babysit. Why would you lie like that and risk your job.🫤

Your son is used to taking you for granted. It has probably happened 10000s before but it's only now that you are realising because it was done publicly.

You should speak to him and also change your attitude. If you don't value yourself, the rest of the people won't value you

I think op in the context of your response, you have to consider your ongoing relationship with your son and his wife and dc; and presumably as a really lovely hands-on mother and mil, you want it to be cordial and loving.

And thinking about this some more; as an employer, when confronting an employee with a mistake, you are taught to always give someone a face-saving way of making amends or rectifying a situation.

(Your son doesn’t really deserve such consideration in the circumstances but life does have to go on.)

So joining those two things together, I would ask someone else in the family to express surprise that you were not mentioned in the speech and let your son (hopefully) feel mortified and guilty away from your direct gaze, and that will allow him (hopefully) the grace to come to you as if it was on his own initiative; and apologise profusely and bring flowers and a promise to mention you specially at the next family gathering etc, “having forgotten last time” etc.

But if you confront him directly he has nowhere to go with that except feel bad ifyswim. And that could have ongoing repercussions between you.

Just my opinion. Not saying it’s right!

(And yes I admit to being over-invested 😂)

Just stop doing everything he asks... cleaning his house, giving him money. You have made yourself way too available. Behave like a servant, then that's how they'll treat you. Grow a spine and have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your son.

This. I wonder if you have always done everything for your DS so he just doesn’t recognise or appreciate it.

Wow how horrible for you and well done you for holding it together and taking the higher ground it won’t have been easy.
I really don’t like my mil and I would not treat her as you have been treated - the hen do story is terrible imo. Surely they should have thought of this and organised this before the night before. Their behaviour all sounds very much like they are using you (im sorry if saying that makes you feel bad) or taking you for granted. You are good enough to do x, y and z but not to attend the hen do, not to be thanked. I think you need to become a little less available at the drop of a hat. Tbh though probably make you out to be a villain for not watching the baby at 5 mins notice.

I would t have let it slide and would have called him out there and then, "I knew he would forget me!" with a loud fake laugh that would have made him acknowledge my help and support.

The fact that later on he didn't come over and say that it goes without saying that he appreciates all your help shows he has completely taken you for granted.

Has he told her and her family you paid for the ring?

I would use that as leverage in asking him to pay it back.

I'm sorry OP, they have really taken you for granted. YANBU to feel the way you do.