Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

I just hope if he does hear about it he doesn't stop Granny visits with the Grandkids. People can be so petty.

Did he have his speech written down and still leave you out? Just wondering because my brother gave his speech off the cuff and was very upset afterwards as he realised he hadn't mentioned me and I think not my sister either but did mention our parents and all the in laws. I didn't realise til he told me - busy with a very over excited child and her cousins at the time--and yes I'd have been hurt and a bit mortified if I'd been sitting listening to it. Everyone knows we are close though and that it was just nerves or whatever, so when he told me I was fine about it, but not to mention you at all is strange. Surely someone pointed it out to him and he hasn't even apologised?

Could he not have bought an engagement ring that he could afford??

Why did you clean the house?

Take time off work?

Do they both realise that they are adults??

Aw I feel for you, but I'd probably say nothing, the time has passed. I'm learning more and more with my adult children to just let things ebb and flow. I recently saw a tiktok that said to get on with adult children, there must be so many things left unsaid by us as parents and grandparents, and I'm kinda signing up to that thinking. We have so much more life experience, they're young, they just don't feel the same way as us is some circumstances.. or even just can't see it.

I'm nanny who regularly has my granddaughter, but I'm not first choice and I accept that. My DIL is very very close to her mum, it's always been just the two of them, and now with my son , it's the three of them. I've had a small rocky year with my son and DIL and tbh that's not what I want...so I offer to help, help where I can, do the things I'm asked where possible and just try and smile past the parts that make me sad. My DIL is constantly aware and worrying about hurting her mums feelings,but mine don't really matter. But that's OK, there's not much I can do about it. I gave up work to look after my granddaughter whilst they work, my husband and I are now paying for her to go nursery a couple of days a week, we feel we're "doing our bit" but it feels in parts we don't get anything right. But we keep trying. We're never chosen over DILs mum but I did kinda think that with sons. Also her mum fusses if she doesn't get her way and I don't want to be like that. Her mum withhold money she lent them, won't speak to them for weeks on end if she's not first choice and that's not how I want to behave, so I just try and do my best. I also try to include DILs mum.

You must feel so hurt your son didn't mention you in his speech. Big love ❤️

I wish my mum was like you, your son has no idea how lucky he is. I've been NC with mine for over a year now, 2 kids. She's never even tried to make up. You're amazing to me. I feel so bad for you.

I completely understand the majority of posters saying confront your son about his lack of consideration by not mentioning you in his speech,also being less available for him in the future.

I have another view and that is to ignore it. People who are close to you will know exactly how much input you had in the wedding preparations & your help with your Granchild. It is understandable you feel hurt,I would feel the same. There is a possibility your sons in-laws are the jealous type & they want to be seen as the most important parents & Grandparents with you on the sidelines. The last thing your son would want to do is start singing your praises in front of them especially if they have more or less paid for the wedding. I would accept your son is quietly grateful for all you do as is your DIL. Our love for our children & Grandchildren is unconditional. We do everything we do because we desire to,not because we expect anything in return. I'm sure your son & DIL will thank you for your kindness eventually & in their own way. Your sons in-laws may also be the types to want a fanfare in appreciation & recognition for their input when really it's not necessary. Your posts suggest your son still relys on you being there for him, his wife & your Grandchild & that's lovely.

Maybe you did spoil him as a child but he is a grown up now. Have you ever said No to them.
You say you dont blame your DIL and how wonderful she is, but she could have thanked you after the speech and apologised but she didnt and the day you get married you still have a brain and notice things around you so no excuse.
I really think you should take a step back if you dont nothing will change and they will take you for granted for ever. Just say no to them they are taking the piss. How could he hurt his mum this much.

It sounds like you have fabulous emotional intelligence so I'm confident you'll be able to have a fair, adult to adult conversation about this with your son at some point.

I would want to make clear how hurtful it was to not be thanked on the wedding day (when everyone else right down to the cake lady was), and that whilst the support you give comes from a place of love you won't tolerate being taken for granted in the future. Say your piece and leave it at that.

For what it's worth I would give my right arm for a mother or mother in law like you.

I would be telling him how hurt you were, little prick.

Wow I admire your ability to hold in your feelings. I had a much less upsetting experience related to a birthday. I didn’t say anything at the time but spoke to my son afterwards. It helped me to let him know I was upset. I don’t know whether he shared our conversation with my dil.

@MyPunnyHedgehog I am so sorry this happened to you.

I am curious what your friends IRL think and family. Will reflect on this one!

It sounds like he takes advantage of you and couldn't even be bothered to say thanks- awful. There's always more to these posts as they only capture a small part of the picture, but they're happy for you to look after their child so can't think you're bad! I'd take a step back from helping them out and also speak to him about it, no need to be an argument or whatever but say how hurtful you found it. Don't let them walk over you.

Not getting a mention was wrong and rude but I do wonder if it is simply a case of you being his own side of the family and closer so he just didn’t think to thank you as it feels like a given that you would help him out. I know it doesn’t make it ok.
I was excluded from mention at a close family members funeral, every family member was mentioned in detail including people who had been no contact with her for years but they forgot about me who had been closer to her than anyone. It does hurt and is embarrassing, I really feel for you.

1. That was a MIL, talking to her new SIL, about his new wife’s stepdad - not a parent (so completely different) and had only been the stepdad for around a year IIRC
2. Unlike that MIL, the OP on this thread did not confront her son on the wedding day itself, which I agree was the right thing to do, but I think she’d be very much entitled to speak to him about it once the couple are back from their honeymoon.

I’m not sure any amount of thanking now can ever compensate for not doing so in his wedding speech. The best thing to hope for would be a grovelling apology and assurance that it was a moment of forgetfulness rather than a deliberate snub.

I agree with this post wholeheartedly. I am fortunate to have a great relationship with my daughter- law but she has to walk on egg shells with her mum who is very possessive. It doesn't bother me in the least. Dh & I do what we are asked if available,see them all regularly & we don't worry or care about who is doing more family fun stuff together or who is more involved. I still say to the OP let this drop.

@OVienna
Thank you.It is not uncommon for the PIL to stump up for a wedding and not be thanked. My son thanked his in laws and her family but not us and we paid the bill for it all. We were also asked to contribute to their air fares the first two times our DIL's parents visited for Christmas. (they were not from the UK). We were not invited for Christmas though because they wanted a family only (her family) celebration.
After two contributions we declined to pay their air fares again.
Our DIL ( an accountant) wanted power of attorney for us after she has known us six months. We were in our fifties and working full time. We declined and continue to decline

😲😲😲

That is so strange. You know your son, thoughtless or something else. I think you have to raise ir with him. I’d be cross and hurt

@MyPunnyHedgehog

I wouldn’t confront.

I decided to never get married : partly because there are some many opinions, judgements, issues, stress and opportunities to go wrong.

I’m always putting my foot in it, and I try to be empathetic - but I could see myself - in the stress of a situation - leaving off something very important.

That said, I don’t think your been treated with kindness in your other examples. It seems a bit “oh Mum will be fine with that” - and maybe you usually offer, or are that way? You want to be helpful and please others?

Deep down, speeches aside - do you know you mean the world to your son? I can’t think otherwise because you sound utterly wonderful.
And it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your grandson too.

I think love will be shown to you in far more important ways than a showy wedding speech.

That's awful.

I HOPE it was a complete oversight and he really believes he did thank you.

I have no advice because I do think whatever you say/do could cause problems. As could not clearing the air.

It is far more common than you think for the PILS to stump up for their son's wedding. Think of the Gavin and Stacey wedding ( fictional I know but reflects society) Mick and Pamela paid for it all and were not thanked.

He’s missed the perfect opportunity hasn’t he. Never to be undone sadly.

He needs to know how he made you feel.

This post is spot on!

You have an absolute right to feel upset and hurt over being excluded from the speech. It shows that your son, at best, either forgot to mention you (but remembered everyone else) or, at worst, took you for granted and expected you to help.

If you ask someone else to speak to your son about it, you won't know how that message is delivered or what is said. How would you feel also, if your son did not apologise or acknowledge your hurt feeling afterwards??

If you say nothing at all and let it slide, you have to be 100% sure that you can move on without an underlying resentment or hurt otherwise it will come out later.

If you do tell him how you feel, then you have a chance to let him know how upset and let down you felt - and it gives him a chance to make amends or reassure you. Be factual and remind him that it does not change your love for him and his family - but his omission has made you feel that you are not valued and taken for granted. Tell him what you would like from him to make the situation better. Whatever he does, at least you will feel better for getting it off your chest.

Finally as for your DIL - does she know that you contributed £1K towards her ring? My guess is that your son has not told her. Regardless, she should be bloody grateful you have been a reliable emergency babysitter.

Regardless of which option you take OP - it IS time now for you to start taking a step back gradually and putting yourself first. Just because you are a Mum/MIL/Grandparent doesn't meant that they can treat you like this. You can always offer more when/if they start acknowledging what you do for them.

I really hope someone in the family who saw this shit behavior spoke to him about it.

I'd be crushed and considering backing way off. I'm so sorry.

@MyPunnyHedgehog is there any backstory, is this completely out of character for your son to effectively stiff-arm you and fail to recognise you as his mother on the most important day of his life to date? Is there any reason to believe he did this deliberately?

normally sons are very close to their mums even after marriage. It just seems very odd for him to do that to you, if to date you've always had a loving relationship with no issues.