Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

Are you being sarcastic?
OP doesn't say that she made the cake.

Her son thanked "...the women who made the cake."

Maybe he did mean to thank you and it was written down but he just went past it. When my brother did his speech at his daughter’s wedding he was so nervous bits of his speech got left out.

I think your son sounds thick to be honest. He was probably trying to make a great impression with the in laws.

I think I would say something to him privately and let him know that you felt disappointed, embarrassed and worthless in his eyes. Make sure he knows that it's not his wife that your annoyed with but him.

Maybe it's expected that you jump for him, and because of this he doesn't even think to stop and thank you. Maybe you have been far too nice all along.

You can't control/influence his love for you or if he is grateful towards you.

Well done for not reacting. Very dignified. I wish someone in your family had gone up to him and say "why on earth did you not thank your mother?!"

If it ever comes up, I would ask to think about you at his own child's wedding when it's his child's speech and imagine how you felt. I hope he carries that feeling with him on his conscience.

They certainly took you for a ride.
You must be so hurt after all you've done and paid out to help them
I agree with other posters ...don't be so available in future

I am so sorry OP, that's sounds so awful and sad for you. When I got married and they did the father daughter dance I invited my dad to the floor saying I was always a daddy's girl and we had our dance. My mother was livid because I didn't mention her. Honestly I didn't even think to as it was five seconds to introduce our dance. I apologized profusely (as we had thanked them before at the reception dinner in my husband's speech) but she still brings it up 25 years later and is bitter.

I would suggest a few weeks after they come back to invite him to tea and just let him know how sad it made you. Maybe he just in the excitement forgot in the moment especially if it was off the cuff. Mistakes happen. I am sure he loves and appreciates you. I think kids just take their own mother for granted most of the time. It isn't right, but it happens.

Just send him the link to this thread. He can see your perspective and all the comments here are pretty unanimous.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your DS sounds exactly like my BIL (DH's brother). Exactly the same thing happened on his wedding day (excluded both his parents, included his in-laws - neither set of parents paid anything towards the wedding, it was pure thoughtlessness). It continues to this day: they prostrate themselves before him to help with everything in order to have access to their grandchildren by him (which is only ever on his terms), and try to rope us all in to help and accommodate him as well (we all refuse).

When DH or SIL challenge him on his awful behaviour his response is "but she LOVES it, she loves to feel wanted and needed". He's not wrong - but he's also a dickhead for taking advantage of that. MIL is so in love with BIL and so desperate for his attention, so desperate to be needed by him, that she's never said anything and it's been YEARS. It's embarrassing and awful to watch. When asked why she puts up with it, she replies "well what you can you do, that's just the way he is. I don't have a choice". It's pathetic and pitiful, just horrible.

Please stand up for yourself. Don't be my MIL.

Op same thing happened at my brothers wedding they thanked her sister & parents,her sisters husband,and my mum then they thanked his best friend....I raised him from 14 as a young teen mum my self bought things they needed for there first born ect wasn't even a mention was like I was invisible....cut ties with them this year January when he hit me as a "joke" causing me to have a miscarriage!

I'm afraid if you act like a doormat people will walk over you.

Be less available.
Prioritise your own interests.
Things can get better but you need to change your outlook.
Do not reduce yourself to the provider of goods and services.
Do come back and tell us how you are doing.
All the best.

This is exactly where if your DS has a sibling, they should be calling out their brother and telling him what a twat he was and that he needs to make it up to mum & fast. And reminding him that you are not a free babysitting service, especially when you were asked to miss the hen do.

This is exactly what one of my DC would say to their brother if he behaved like this and he would listen as its come from someone at their 'level'. If you have other children, I would be expecting them to be speaking to him pretty sharpish and getting him to sincerely apologise and make sure he doesnt continue to behave so selfishly towards you.

If he has no siblings, then hopefully another family member at his 'level' or age would do it (cousin etc) as they will probably have a better result in making him reflect on his behaviour than a much older family member.

What a total wanker.

Sorry, OP.

He's behaved appallingly, and not just the wedding speech, his whole behaviour towards you.

Does he have any reason to treat you like this? Does he have some sort of issue with you or chip on his shoulder? Or is he just selfish and thoughtless?

Do you have a family member who could haul him over the coals for this? Becuase he needs it.

This. It doesn't have to be you @MyPunnyHedgehog . Do you have another relative or close friend that can speak with your DS and explain how hurt you are?

To include the person that made the cake in his speech but not his own mother is awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm impressed you managed to keep it all together on the day.

If there isn't anyone you can think of to have a word with him, perhaps write him a note, or even his wife?

@alexdgr8 Your words have resonated with me. I'm in a similar position of being taken for granted and it's come to a head recently. I'm going to remember your wise words!

The son needs to be told. OP I would show him your post. It would be be really difficult for you to speak to him. If he never realises how much he hurt you, it will fester in you for years. I am shocked at his lack of appreciation and consideration and his selfishness. Although he can’t change anything , I hope he is wracked with guilt! I’m amazed that other family members haven’t pulled him up on it. They must have noticed his omission. Perhaps someone did. If so, hope he’s ashamed of himself.

I bet it was just nerves and carelessness rather than deliberate.

When my DH had a big 50th birthday party he made a speech and managed to not mention me at all, though we’d been married for 25 years (happily, or so I thought). I brought it up a couple of years later and he was horrified and said he hadn’t realised and was just overwhelmed at the time.

I think the suggestion to get someone else (your DH? another DC?) to tell him how hurt you are is a good one. I think you would find it was just forgetfulness in the heat of the moment.

Just some background. My DS dad walked out when he was six weeks old so I will hold up my hands and I did spoil him . I wanted him to have everything that other kids got and also my time .I met my husband 20 years ago but after 16 years of marriage he upped and left me for a younger women . This was 6 months before the wedding. It was hard to listen to my DIL dad saying such nice things about his wife . My husband told me before he left that his new GF was younger , prettier, fitter , more intelligent with a banging body . Also I do not blame my DIL for any of this . She is a beautiful, elegant wonderful women who is a great mum and partner . She loves him so much . I tell her at every opportunity. I also thanked her dad before the speech for being such a lovely family and for excepting him and him in particular for being a great role models and father figure to him . It can never be taken back redone or made up .

But he didn’t mention her at all, at the least it was thoughtless, at the most it was cruel,unappreciative and disrespectful.
I don’t buy it that it was just carelessness and nerves. I don’t know how this can be put right. It will always sully the OP’s memory of the occasion.

It certainly will if people like you put that idea in her head.

I think you need to stop being so grateful for scraps of time. Invite your ds, wife and child for some days out or fun things. Don't be quite so available when it comes at an imbalanced effort/cost to you (eg cancelling the hen weekend is their bad planning and hardly a surprise that they needed childcare or you ringing in sick to be their childcare).

I suspect your son is oblivious. If you reduce what you do and increase the fun where you all have a nice time, the lack of gratitude to you might grate less .

Just read your update, your ex sounds horrible. It's time to start being selfish and put yourself first. Stop being so nice to and about everyone else - and start being nicer to yourself and definitely less helpful and available.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your son should be ashamed of himself.

Strange as an another thread someone was told that telling her son in law that he didn't thank his step dad after the speech ruined his wedding day.

I'd get a friend or family member who attended to email him /facebook -to say lovely wedding and they liked x and y and "hopefully you thanked your mum for her work on z"

Then he can save face by doing it when back off holiday. Or not. If he is a dick.

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any particular advice here but for what it's worth, I would've loved to have a mother like you. You sound like a beautiful soul