Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

Yes best you wait for him to contact you. And you’re right not to have told him what your ex said. it’s not easy being a mum. None of us like change or loss and it’s a big one. Big hugs to you too. We can do it.

Be strong now OP. Don’t bite your nose off to spite your face by having an argument , babysit if it suits you and you want to see your grandson but Live your life for you , make yourself the center of your world . Join clubs, volunteer, get a dog, do sport, go out with family/ friends , stay in bed eating toast , whatever you fancy. You are free to do just what you like now.

Thinking of you. Hopefully your silence will make them think? They'll soon be in touch when they want you.

I think if the speach was supposed to thank you and it was accidentally missed due to nerves, one or other would twig in the night and rush over to say something to you in person and one would hope in front of "your group"

I know I'd be alert if my husband didn't say something about his parents if mine were mentioned -to make sure anything said was equal -so all siblings and all parents and friends both sides.

OP, now you have had your wake up call to start looking after you and your future.

Don't depend on your son to be there for you sadly.
Time for you to be less available as you invest in yourself and your life.
See your grandchild as it suits you on your terms.

Not as skivvy Granny.

I would let him read your post and some of the replies!! He needs a wake up call.

It all sounds terrible but perhaps these events can also act as a wake up call for you. You sound like a really nice person and that may be part of the problem. Have you considered that you may have allowed yourself to be treated like a door mat, always going out of your way to be supportive etc at your own expense every time? It hints at a touch of neediness on your part which almost certainly stems from your own history. As they say, you can't change other people but you can try to change yourself.

@MyPunnyHedgehog I have been thinking of you all weekend. I hope you are OK. I am furious with your son (the funeral issues pushed me over the edge!) and I don't even know him!

I do think a lot of these men need to hear some home truths. Honestly OP, I'd see how long it is before your son contacts you. And when he does, I'd bet good money it's to ask for a favour! Time to get busier with your own life I think!
But I really would have a conversation about how he made you feel.

When he does get in touch be your usual lovely self but say that you can’t babysit this week. You could say you are free for lunch on x day and see if he takes you up on it? Start putting in some new pathways that suit you?

So he got back four days ago but you’ve not heard a word from them? Isn’t that not strange in itself?

Thank you for your thoughts. My mum posted in the group chat that she hoped they had a good honeymoon and hope to see them soon . He has see it but hasn’t replied but it is normally his wife that does that . He doesn’t use social media . I’m just going to relax and try and get on with my life . If it goes on to long then I will ask to have my grandson and as long as I see him then I can cope. Thanks again for your thoughts xx

Yes I am very much a people pleaser. It’s been the same most of my life and I get dumped on a lot . It’s hard to go against my feelings and I don’t want to turn into a hard person who locks people out but it’s finding the right balance . I am in therapy and working on it but really find saying no and setting boundaries hard . I’m not just like it with him it’s with everyone. If you messaged me and needed help I would be there .

I always say I am not his wife responsibly. I had the mother in law from hell who blamed me for everything he didn’t do I forgot. She would say that I should have bought cards and presents not him . I was determined to not be that mother in law . I did write a wedding speech just in case I was asked. I wasn’t of course but thought I might in place of his dad. Just re read it and made me sad .

@Mumlifebalance Great well thought out post

I am not saying the wife is responsible for this.

More, as a couple you'd realise the oversight and fix it asap -if it was a mistake made due to nerves as some suggested. he thanked the cake maker so one assumes the couple discussed who he had to mention in his speach (as brides don't make speeches generally) as I doubt many men would do that without prompting.

I think you are now just seeing him as he really is. And now, No contact from him on honeymoon nor anything once back in uk. He doesn't seem bothered to be in contact, expecting you to do it.

Even this is rude imo. A close relative says hope you've had a good honeymoon on a family chat, they see it and cba to reply? It takes, what, seconds to say yes lovely time we'll see you soon to tell you all about it.

I wonder if they'd be so casual with response times if they were asking people for favours with childcare.

I would send it to him with a note along the lines that as you weren't given the opportunity to speak at his wedding but you think he may like to know what you would have said. It may shame him a little bit without being overtly critical!

I did write a wedding speech just in case I was asked

It's rare for the groom's parents to be asked to make a speech at a wedding so don't get too hung up on this.

I agree that it's rude for him not to have replied to his grandma, or checked in on you OP. Smacks of taking you all for granted tbh.
His wife might not care either way - you aren't her family. But she's not above using you when it's convenient and your son just doesn't sound very nice at all! I'm sorry OP - you sound like an amazing mum but some kids just turn out to be entitled little shits, no matter how lovely their mum has been.

You poor love ❤️
You are pouring out love for all of them and getting a blank wall back for it. That is so, so painful. He obviously didn’t get his ‘how to love someone ‘ gene from you.
I think you can raise children in a certain way but if as adults they choose to be self- focussed they can become selfish and hurtful people.
You asked how you get past it with your son. I think the first step is for you to accept that he’s not like you. You are gifted with an enormous heart and probably selflessness baked into you. He isn’t and doesn’t.
I think the best way forward is to really think about what you need around this whole situation. You can’t make him into someone he’s not, but you can express fully how you feel and how you think and you can ask for what you need.
How he responds is up to him you have no power over that either but you can take care of you.
Choosing to change how you behave in the future around the dynamic with them all will come naturally from you taking proper care of your lovely self. When you nurture yourself, what you need going forward will emerge from that and you will be better able to protect yourself from people and situations that are damaging to you.
They are so fortunate to have you. We all are. ❤️

Also I do not blame my DIL for any of this . She is a beautiful, elegant wonderful women who is a great mum and partner . She loves him so much . I tell her at every opportunity. I also thanked her dad before the speech for being such a lovely family and for excepting him and him in particular for being a great role models and father figure to him.

This is the most important piece and you must ave brought your DS up to attract and build a wonderful relationship. I am gutted for you - decide to speak to him one on one - without drama - calmly make your point, use "I" statements - I was disappointed. And just leave it at that. Dont give him the list of everything you have done for him as that sounds transactional.

I expect you are reeling from being abandoned by your Ex so recently and maybe this is where you need to tend to your feelings in a self compasssionate way.

She is a beautiful, elegant wonderful women who is a great mum and partner . She loves him so much .

Looks like he married his Mum - in a good way - he knows what good values are. I hope he appreciates her.

Thats really bloody rude. You do need to tackle this with your son. No need to row just tell him how hurt you were. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

This is awful. Forgetting you would have been difficult if he'd made notes. Even if it was an oversight he should have realised soon afterwards. I'd consider having your speech close to hand the next few times you see him just in case it feels right to share it with him - not to get an apology - but just to show how much he means. Maybe then it might remind him about his speech.

However, it might be easier if a family member addressed this with him, particularly one of those who came to you to console you after dinner.

At some point I'd destroy your speech as it makes you so sad.