Son's Wedding Speech

[MyPunnyHedgehog]

I would love some feed back and perhaps some ideas on how to move on

My DS got married last week . He is 31. He has been with my daughter in law for 5 years and they have a two year old boy.

When they announced they were pregnant they moved closer to both sets of parents . They had their son and all was lovely. Ok I didn’t see him as much as the mums side but that’s what happens when your the mum of boys so I accepted what I was given with a smile. He would call me for help on various stuff including me buying a fridge freezer , helping out with paying for the engagement ring etc. As their son grew I saw more and more of him and babysat loads . I would do it with five mins notice and have even called in sick or created a reason not to go to work . They moved house and I went over and cleaned it from top to bottom and helped move furniture. I rented a van and helped . The wedding was fast approaching. I couldn’t match the money that her family gave but I did say the 1k for the ring he didn’t have to pay back and he was to use the money he was paying back towards the wedding . I was not included in any of the wedding prep even though I offered all the time . I babysat so they could do that so it so it was a winner for me. The day before the hen weekend I was asked if I would forgo my place as the stag was on the same day and they needed babysitting. I did that despite paying to go and said the money I paid don’t give it back but to use it for drinks for everyone. The night before the wedding I had a call to see if on the day I could come over and try and get my grandson to nap , feed him and get him ready . This did mean I had 30 mins to dress , makeup, get my two elderly relatives ready . I did what was asked . When I got to the venue he was whisked away and I barely saw him The wedding went off without a hitch . It came to the speech’s Her dad did one and he said lovely things about his wife and my son . Next was the best men . Funny and enjoyable. Then my son . He stood up and did a lovely speech all about his wife . I burst with pride . He went in the thank her mum and dad for everything they do etc, his mate for coming and being there for him then his wife and he then said and finally … the women who made the cake . It felt like the air was sucked out the room . My family were all looking at me . I smiled and clapped and ate dinner . I excused myself and went to the toilet and try not cry. Family came and I held my compose . I said it didn’t matter and wanted to enjoy the rest of the day . I smiled and laughed and danced . I gave her a locket I had bought her as a special gift From me to her . I left way after everyone else and finally got back to my room and cried hard. Next day that smile was back on my face . I have not mentioned it to them and they are now in honeymoon. I took annual leave to help the other grandparents with my grandson but was told it’s not needed as her family have it in hand . This is not her fault she did nothing wrong but how do I get passed this with my son ?

That’s unbelievably poor form of his part. At best, careless at worst incredibly mean. I agree with PP saying you should step back a bit. He sounds like he takes you totally for granted.

In those circumstances, it’s even more inexcusable for him not to mention you.
He is very happy for you to be there but is basically taking you for granted.

Having said that, it’s clear that other family members have noticed.
Has anyone said anything to him?
In some ways, it would be much more powerful if someone else was saying something.

You have People Pleaser written all over you.

I'm so sorry that your spoilt son was so thoughtless.

But - you thank people for things that don't need thanking.
You are available at the drop of a hat (I know you get to see your DGC but your job is important)
You let them walk all over you.

There is no point in mentioning it or having a row - I guarantee your son will punish you for it.

Do what you can do - but be careful. I think if you rock the boat too much he'll withhold your DGC if the other GPs are available

Just withdraw a little bit - very slowly

Oh blimey @MyPunnyHedgehog, your update makes the situation even worse. This was very, very thoughtless of your son.

You definitely need to say something to him before other family members do.

As hurtful as this is, perhaps this is the nudge you need to start putting yourself first a bit more. A bit of time away from your ds and DIL while they are on honeymoon may well be the perfect time for you to start thinking about what you are and are not prepared to do moving forward.

I would suggest starting with never calling in sick at work again to help them out. Do not risk your own job and financial stability.

@Nanny0gg unfortunately I agree with you.

Which is why I think it would be better if some family memberS were making a comment instead.
And yes I would withdraw very slowly.
Id also build a good relationship with DIL as she sounds like a nice ierson!

I’ve witnessed this before (my BIL’s wedding), however in that instance it was a case of them gushing over every member of the bride’s family in the speeches whilst extending slightly derogatory jokes in my MIL’s direction. However, as an external observer to it all it was clear there was no real malice to it, just being thoughtless really, and playing to the audience (in which the groom’s side of the family were in the minority). We’re also probably the more uncouth relations, admittedly, whereas the bride’s family are clearly steeped in tradition and keeping up appearances (dull as dish water). That’s what I said to my MIL anyhoo, when she was bawling her eyes out round the back of the teepee! Don’t say anything for now, you sound lovely so I’m sure they appreciate you. But if a year from now they’ve given you no indications that’s the case, I’d say you’ve less to lose...

Personally I would tell him.

I would tell him that you felt very hurt by the speech from which you were completely omitted.

Be polite and matter of fact, it doesn't need to be a drama.

Wow you sound like such a lovely, devoted and considerate mum and mum in law. I think you’ve been treated really unkindly, it sounds like you do all your can to help and your son has taken it for granted.

I have heard of this happening before, son thanks everyone in wife’s family and doesn’t thank anyone in his own. I think men do this because they’re trying to impress and keep the new in laws happy.

I really hope someone I’m your family brings this to your sons attention.

I’m not going to suggest you step back because it would be detrimental to your relationship with your grandson and you won’t be any happy for doing so.

You sound amazing. I think it’s a strong case of him taking you for granted. I’d be so upset too. You didn’t deserve that. I’d let his wife know how upset you were. Well done for keeping it to yourself in the day. Strength of character.x

This.

But I also think you need to accept that your DIL has had a part to play in taking you for granted also. They knew long before the day before the hen and stag do's that they'd need a babysitter. Even if they were let down at the last minute, it's unforgivable that either of them would think it would be OK to ask you. Someone would have known someone who could have stepped in at the last moment. They shouldn't have asked you. And likewise on the morning of the wedding. If my husband has suggested such a thing to his mother, there is no way I would have let that happen. I'm sorry to say it, but she is very selfish too.

Be less available.

Someone else needs to have a word - brother, cousin, uncle? You also need to step back and stop doing so much for them, particularly at short notice.

I'm so sorry you've been taken for granted, you've done so much for him and his family, it's not fair. Someone needs to have a word with them, but it would be hard to apologise for all of that.

Yes. OP, I’m sorry you’re so hurt, but I think you need to take some responsibility for positioning yourself as invisible service provider to your adult son. No one sees or appreciates the person who behaves as if her needs automatically come last every time. You’ve done some completely mad things, like calling in sick to your job to do last-minute childcare, and, incredibly, agreeing to give up your place that you’d pre-paid on the hen to do childcare while your DS was on his stag. And doing childcare and elderly relative care on the wedding day, so you barely had time to get dressed.

Gently, why do you behave like this? It’s perfectly possible to help a family member without being a doormat. You’ve formed the idea from somewhere that this is what you deserve, that saying ‘No, I have plans’ or ‘You’ll need to pay a babysitter for the hen/stag night’ is impossible. And unfortunately you had a horrible shock on a day that should have been a celebration, when you saw that people-pleasing doesn’t work. All it does it make you invisible, because you present yourself as just there to be of service.

I think you have some thinking to do about how to change the dynamic.

There’s nothing I’ve said that the OP isn’t aware of. This is not something to let go

Sorry to fuel the fire and pain for you but this is absolutely disgusting behaviour. If my DH had behaved that way he would have had a right bolllocking from me. There is no way I'd let him disrespect his own mother like that and I wouldn't trust a man who treats his mother like that either. I've seen this so many times where men seem to suck up totally to their in laws, there was a similar post recently like this. I don't know if it's influence from their wives but men do generally tend to flock towards wife's family. If I were in your shoes I think I would have lost it completely. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do and time will tell as I have two DS. I think you're incredibly calm and a lovely person for holding it together. I'm not sure if just distancing yourself is good as they will then never know why and just stick to her parents even more and you don't want to lose time with your grandson. I do however think someone needs to say something. So sorry you have been treated this way. I hope things work out and you get the credit and respect you deserve.

I'm sorry, I know you love your son dearly, but what a selfish, ignorant, and thoughtless arsehole. I would definitely have it out with him. What are you, merely a cash register on legs, or a free of charge babysitter? Disgraceful from him.

The phrase can't see past the end of his nose springs to mind.
Thoughtless in the extreme.

We have had lots of horrible issues with PIL over the years, but would never ever treat my husband’s parents in this way.

Sending a big hug! I think a conversation is definitely needed with your son!

Yeah that’s not on at all.
My mother in law contributed nothing at all to my wedding. No help with planning. Not a single pound financially. Nothing. We got nothing. Not even a wedding gift.
On the day we still bought her flowers and thanked her for her (non existent) support. It felt rude to thank my family and not his. When mine contributed financially. My mum made the bridesmaids dresses.
Totally wrong he didn’t include you.

Going against the grain here OP but I do think this could have been unintentional. I personally hate speaking in public and could definitely see myself doing something similar which would have no malice intended. Does he usually appreciate you? I think if you have a good relationship then I’d be inclined to chalk it up as nerves.

Awful and I completely understand why you feel upset. As sad as it is he probably takes you for granted. He thanked his wife’s parents (probably because he wanted to give a good impression and look good in front of his wife) but didn’t thank you because he probably thought you are his mum so don’t need thanking. Awful and thoughtless but I’m sure he does love you and appreciates things you do. Sometimes we can overlook and forget to thank the people who we love the most and who are closest to us. I think the only way to move forward is for you both to have a chat so that you can explain how it made you feel (no shouting or tears). 🌺

I'm angry on your behalf, OP. What a let-down for you. Your beloved son has shown that he expects everything from you but values nothing. I completely agree with the other posters who've said to pull right back now. You definitely should.

He knows how to behave, he just doesn't seem to think that you're worth it (you are).

I would have the conversation with my son and tell him how disappointed I was in his leaving you out of the wedding speech when he thanked all and sundry. I would let him know how upset I was. I would let him know how unavailable I was in all future requests by not being available to him at all.

What a horrible event that turned out to be for you, OP. ]

You need to tell him how hurt you are or this will fester away. He is a grown man and i am sure you raised him well. I would write to him, a real letter hits the point home harder. You don't need to read him the riot act but he does need to know how hurtful is actions are.
Going forward you need to keep your purse closed and your time guarded. Do not lie to work to help him out, let his wife's family sort the childcare, after all they are more treasured than you. No more hand outs, your son should not be asking you for money to pay for the wedding rings, sounds to me the pair of them live way above their means because they know you would pay for it all.
Respect yourself and others will respect you.

I can't get over the hen do thing. Seriously, that's absolutely appalling.

Someone from your family really needs to talk to him.