Expectations around adult children visiting

ThatWildBeaker · 2024-08-07T11:00:29+00:00

I’m curious/looking for your experiences. DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans. DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that. Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 12:14

I'm your age rather than the parents' so probably not the perspective that you're looking for.

Does he ever visit overnight? Is it logistically possible for him to do so? You don't mention him having caring responsibilities for you, so I'm guessing so.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to wish he would visit the family home at this stage of his life (i.e. no DC, minimal commitments outside work). DH and I don't live near our families, and while we've always been welcomed with open arms into each other's families, we also visited alone when it suited. It's nice for everyone I think to get a bit of time, she probably misses having him at home. It sucks that you can't access the house, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't.

It will get harder for him to visit once you have DC, especially if you do need a bit of physical assistance while they're small, and it will take a while for you to be willing to be away from little ones. However, it would also be a bit mean to stop your DH bringing the DCs to granny's house occasionally once they're a bit bigger (and you may relish the break!).

Does she understand your access issues? Has she welcomed you into the family? I guess there's probably other issues at play?

Readandwrite · 07/08/2024 12:17

It does seem a bit odd that you are able to access the homes of your side of the family but not that of your MIL. If ramps are required could discussions be held to see what alterations or facilities might be provided to enable you to join your husband? I do think it is unfair to prevent your husband from visiting his mother at her home all together. If you are just starting out on a family I think you need to consider your 'red lines' very carefully, otherwise I can see divorce in the offing and your children going with their father to visit his mother on a very regular basis and you will be powerless to prevent it. The tone of your OP implies that you will travel to see anyone except your MIL.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 07/08/2024 12:20

Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right?

I don't see why that would always be a hard and fast rule.

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 12:20

I think that's a bit unfair @Readandwrite , if she can't access it she can't access it. In a lot of homes even if you sorted a ramp to the front door a wheelchair still wouldn't fit through the internal doors or into a downstairs bathroom.

Cobblersorchard · 07/08/2024 12:23

I don’t always visit my family with my husband- he comes sometimes but not always. Why do you always have to go? I think he should be able to visit her sometimes without you, you aren’t joined at the hip.

I’m staying at my dad’s for a few nights this month with DD but without DH. I’d say he comes about 50% of the time.

With a new baby you wouldn’t be unreasonable to only have people come to you, that’s fine. But whilst you are child free I’d make the most of it and when children are older they will want to stay there.

AnnaMagnani · 07/08/2024 12:26

I'd say married couples don't always visit together but married couples with kids usually do as generally one person can't be spared for a 'several night ' break as they are needed for childcare.

Readandwrite · 07/08/2024 12:27

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 12:20

I think that's a bit unfair @Readandwrite , if she can't access it she can't access it. In a lot of homes even if you sorted a ramp to the front door a wheelchair still wouldn't fit through the internal doors or into a downstairs bathroom.

Edited

I think a bit of clarification about what made that particular property inaccessible would have been helpful. Some of the comments made by the OP to justify her assertion that it is not acceptable for her husband to visit without her being there,( ie if she is unable to go he should not either), makes me feel that any issues with the MIL home are not the real problem. I admit I would have been more understanding if the OP had not disclosed that she travels a similar distance to visit her side of the family.

Original poster

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:28

Readandwrite · 07/08/2024 12:17

It does seem a bit odd that you are able to access the homes of your side of the family but not that of your MIL. If ramps are required could discussions be held to see what alterations or facilities might be provided to enable you to join your husband? I do think it is unfair to prevent your husband from visiting his mother at her home all together. If you are just starting out on a family I think you need to consider your 'red lines' very carefully, otherwise I can see divorce in the offing and your children going with their father to visit his mother on a very regular basis and you will be powerless to prevent it. The tone of your OP implies that you will travel to see anyone except your MIL.

There's no way to make her house accessible even with portable ramps as it's steps down from the pavement and immediately up to the front door. DH has literally just got back from a visit so I'm certainly not stopping him from going. He was near there for work and I actually told him off for going to the pub with his colleagues he sees every day rather than spending the evening with her.
My issue is she thinks he should stay multiple nights at a time and take time off work.
I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days because she won't travel and won't let us stay in a hotel. If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.

OP posts:

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 07/08/2024 12:30

No, marrige doesn't join us at the hip.
We are still individuals with individual relationships that we like to nurture.
The dynamic can change when spouses are present.
My husband of course joins us for some visits but I also really value the visits without him.

Original poster

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:30

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 07/08/2024 12:20

Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right?

I don't see why that would always be a hard and fast rule.

Okay thank you - this might just be how I and my friends were raised then and it's not the norm.

OP posts:

Readandwrite · 07/08/2024 12:31

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:28

There's no way to make her house accessible even with portable ramps as it's steps down from the pavement and immediately up to the front door. DH has literally just got back from a visit so I'm certainly not stopping him from going. He was near there for work and I actually told him off for going to the pub with his colleagues he sees every day rather than spending the evening with her.
My issue is she thinks he should stay multiple nights at a time and take time off work.
I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days because she won't travel and won't let us stay in a hotel. If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.

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How can she actually stop you staying in a hotel? She can protest but as long as your husband backs you up, as he should, that seems a sensible compromise.

LlamaNoDrama · 07/08/2024 12:31

Just stay in a hotel she can't dictate where you stay.

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 12:32

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:28

There's no way to make her house accessible even with portable ramps as it's steps down from the pavement and immediately up to the front door. DH has literally just got back from a visit so I'm certainly not stopping him from going. He was near there for work and I actually told him off for going to the pub with his colleagues he sees every day rather than spending the evening with her.
My issue is she thinks he should stay multiple nights at a time and take time off work.
I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days because she won't travel and won't let us stay in a hotel. If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.

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When you have DC that are a bit older they'll love going for a sleepover at granny's though, it would be a shame to stop them. While they're babies, she'll just have to travel or accept the hotel.

DH and I tend to socialise and visit family together as I said, but I really don't think there's anything out of the ordinary about a man visiting his mum without his wife.

MapleTreeValley · 07/08/2024 12:33

IMO it's fine for DH to go without you sometimes. Not for multiple nights though - just a night or two is fine.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 12:35

She can not stop you from staying in a hotel, just do that, she can't have everything her own way.

And yes it's a bit weird she wants her son there for multiple nights.

Original poster

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:35

WickieRoy · 07/08/2024 12:14

I'm your age rather than the parents' so probably not the perspective that you're looking for.

Does he ever visit overnight? Is it logistically possible for him to do so? You don't mention him having caring responsibilities for you, so I'm guessing so.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to wish he would visit the family home at this stage of his life (i.e. no DC, minimal commitments outside work). DH and I don't live near our families, and while we've always been welcomed with open arms into each other's families, we also visited alone when it suited. It's nice for everyone I think to get a bit of time, she probably misses having him at home. It sucks that you can't access the house, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't.

It will get harder for him to visit once you have DC, especially if you do need a bit of physical assistance while they're small, and it will take a while for you to be willing to be away from little ones. However, it would also be a bit mean to stop your DH bringing the DCs to granny's house occasionally once they're a bit bigger (and you may relish the break!).

Does she understand your access issues? Has she welcomed you into the family? I guess there's probably other issues at play?

He does :) he literally just got back yesterday. I think my point has got a little confused. I'm absolutely not stopping him visiting. The issue is his mum is demanding he stays for long periods of time (a week) and take time off work. This is what I think is unreasonable. If she wants this much time, she should come to us.

OP posts:

ActualChips · 07/08/2024 12:35

'Married couples visit family together, right?'
Ugh, nope. I'm fine with seeing my husband's relatives once a year, he's free to see them whenever he wants. Likewise him with my relatives.

Expecting overnights and annual leave is weird though. Can he not tell her that his annual leave is all accounted for, but she can go to your house anytime?

circular1985 · 07/08/2024 12:35

When I lived far from my family I often visited on my own or with dc. Due to difficulty with dog care or dh work pattern. Sometimes he just didn't want to- fine. They're my family primarily. Now we live close to my family I pop in at least weekly without dh. Dh will travel and see his family/ friends in his home town without me. We're not joined at the hip. Your dh shouldn't not see his family because you can't, as much as that must hurt due to your situation.

Underlig · 07/08/2024 12:36

I would think it very odd for both of you to visit your respective parents together always. I generally always visit my parents by myself. DH doesn’t come along too. And vice versa.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 12:37

She is being ridiculous expecting him to take a week off work to visit her without you.

That time off will be much needed when children come along.

Is she particularly lonely or something?

circular1985 · 07/08/2024 12:37

Logistically it makes sense to stay a night or two. Whether your dh wants to stay for longer should be up to him and not dictated by his mother. She obviously misses him though.

Imperrysmum · 07/08/2024 12:39

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:28

There's no way to make her house accessible even with portable ramps as it's steps down from the pavement and immediately up to the front door. DH has literally just got back from a visit so I'm certainly not stopping him from going. He was near there for work and I actually told him off for going to the pub with his colleagues he sees every day rather than spending the evening with her.
My issue is she thinks he should stay multiple nights at a time and take time off work.
I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days because she won't travel and won't let us stay in a hotel. If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.

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Wow, If my DIL was a wheelchair user id bloomin move mountains to make sure it was accessible for her, id even move house. She sounds like a selfish twat tbh the fact she doesn’t even then take you up on the offer of visiting your home instead.

yanbu

Iwasafool · 07/08/2024 12:41

I have 4 adult kids and no the 4 couples don't always visit together. I don't know why she won't go with the hotel idea, I'd quite like that.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 12:42

Iwasafool · 07/08/2024 12:41

I have 4 adult kids and no the 4 couples don't always visit together. I don't know why she won't go with the hotel idea, I'd quite like that.

Because she wants her son and her son alone overnight like he's a baby or something.

It's weird.

Original poster

ThatWildBeaker · 07/08/2024 12:43

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 12:37

She is being ridiculous expecting him to take a week off work to visit her without you.

That time off will be much needed when children come along.

Is she particularly lonely or something?

Thank you! I think she is lonely and I completely get that. It's why I regularly make sure I tell her we'd love for her to come and stay. I've told them both I'll make plans so they can have maximum 1 on 1 time. Hilariously we live 2 miles from her brother who she says she miss SOO much.

OP posts: