Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

only really feels safe and comfortable in our home with me around

This is starting to sound a bit strange TBH - it's quite unusual to only feel safe in your own home and quite life limiting. If it's part of a mental health condition, I hope he can get some help with it

Yea at that age it is strange that she insist a grown child come and stay over only time I would expect that would be maybe Christmas? Funny how she expects him to do all the travelling but won't do it herself ?

I don't think its standard married couples see families together. In fact, my hubby sees his mum (by himself) every week and I would also see her by myself adhocally.
If her house was wheelchair accessible would you still feel upset if he went alone? I am wondering if you feel excluded because you can't go rather than you really want to spend time with her?

Ha! I can definitely see that but no I quite like her. She's smart with some interesting hobbies. But I feel like I don't really know her and she definitely doesn't know me. We have met up alone quite a few times at the beginning but she doesn't really hold a conversation well. She talks at not to you and can be quite inappropriate with her topics i.e her brothers sperm and how unsatisfying her partner is.

I use a wheelchair.

After my accident DH's parents made clear that they were not prepared to make any changes for me (I had previously been able bodied)

Dh was not impressed.
He went and spent time with them and went to big family occasions.

If it was a wedding or funeral or meet up elsewhere then I went if I
Could access it.

He didn't usually take the kids with him as it was too much hassle (they were and are the eat what you're given, don't make a mess, sort of grandparents and managing that and the kid's needs was a nightmare)

Eventually after about five years they realised they weren't seeing the kids (or
Him) as much and lowered themselves to letting a wheelchair in the house.

Amusingly, one of the big sticking points was that they are a shoes off house and I need to wear braces on my feet at all
Times as they help
Me walk. There were months of
Negotiations where they wanted me
To
Take them off.

imagine when your future child grows up - would you be happy with only seeing them if their partner was tagging along too?

I probably didn't go alone to my parents for a good few years after I was married but then both were alive so it was a couple, or couple plus children, visiting a couple.

In recent years I've often been to see my parents alone, especially since my dad was widowed. But generally only for a day - takes 2 hours by train each way. We all go if over night.

I do think your DH could go occasionally, perhaps overnight, but I don't think he should be expected to go for several nights or frequently.

sorry they sound dreadful

Fucking hell @Octavia64. I adore my parents, but if they prized their floors over DH's mobility they'd be dead to me. I'm so sorry.

Obviously DH goes out to work, sees friends, goes away but his happy place is his home - I really don't think that's odd?

I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days because she won't travel and won't let us stay in a hotel

My in laws live a 3 hour drive away and I have to say that I looked forward with delight to the occasions when dh took the kids off to visit them for a few days..

I also took them for a few days to my home town (opposite direction) and no doubt he appreciated the break to recharge and refresh.

You might not like the thought now but I'd wait until you have them and reassess.

I'm a total homebody, but I can cope in others' homes, especially my home house where I did used to live after all. The way you've phrased it really does make it sound more like a problem than a very natural preference.

Presumably your MIL feels the same way about her house (most of us do), and yet you expect her to leave it and stay with you.

I don't think it's odd for your home to be your favourite place, no. But you previously said he only feels safe and happy at home with you - that crosses over into odd to me personally

I think you need to edit your op to include the further information you have now said - there is a huge back story to why you are understandably feeling the way you are.
If this was my hubby - if his family - immediate or extended - had not thought about my accessibility to events he would not go.

I think this is the compromise we want. More than happy with regular 1-2 night stays just for DH but if she wants a week especially when we have work, she needs to visit.

Surely you can just go and stay in the hotel anyway? She can’t dictate where you stay. Just book the hotel, tell her when you’ll see her, go back to hotel at nights .. simple 🤷‍♀️

Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right?

In our case sometimes and sometimes not. Dh times his visits to coincide with one or two of his siblings, killing three birds with one stone so to speak. I join him once or maybe twice a year.

I only expect her to leave her home if she continues to demand a whole week with DH. If she'd be okay with 1-2 night visits then there'd be no issue.

Ugh I'm so sorry they're like that. Generally DH's family are good at ensuring access at family events as long as it's away from their houses.

<looks round>

Ah! I have the bed to myself..
Bliss

DSpouse and DChild(MK2) have gone to visit Granny-by-the-sea
Without me.

I might go and visit my mum on my own too.

Neither set of parents really have the room for us all to visit at once. And I don't have exccess A/L to visit my genuinely delightful in-laws over-night that often.

How does MIL stop you and DH staying in a nearby hotel and then visiting her?

When DH suggests it she says no as she wants DH to sleep there and DH doesn't push back. I might just book a trip there and see what she does.

TBH as a mum of adult children myself I can understand his mum occasionally wanting to see him on his own, rather than with partner. As for expecting a prolonged visit that is unreasonable.
My elderly mum is constant making me feel guilty for not visiting enough and tbh I don't. I limit the visits to a few hours as I understand the 'talking at you' and mine does this throughout the whole visit, moving from subject to subject without pause. I simply cannot cope with it.
She is also aggrieved if I visit, which includes seeing her for the duration but we are not physically in her house but another family members.

You sound pretty unreasonable to me OP. My DH regularly visits his parents without me if I'm working, have something on or am just tired or busy. They live 2 hrs away and he'll also bring our children with him. I obviously also regularly visit but if i can't for some reason then of course he'll just go without me. I also visit my parents without my husband sometimes. I think it's pretty harsh on his mum to not see him because you can't go, that's her child, of course see wants to see him.

So..... she says no

Shes not STOPPING you and DH from staying in a hotel

You and DH are stopping you from staying in a hotel by choosing not to stay in a hotel

You'll book a trip and see what she does???? What can she do? Be cross? Be unhappy? Have a tantrum? Why would any of that matter?

Just do what works best for you and DH