Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

I'm assuming I'm your MILs age - she's off her rocker if she expects your husband to stay for a week and take time off work, what's that all about?? It's not something I've ever come across.

He needs to gently tell her that it's not happening ever. If she's lonely she needs to sort something out for herself. What's the expression, something about a son only being on loan til he gets married?

I think the issue with MIL wanting DH to spend a week of his AL with her is a bit of a red herring. This would be a lot to ask of anyone. Surely he just says no?

I think the bigger issue you're going to have to face into is that you're planning to start a family soon and she's unable to make her house accessible for you.

No, he can go for the day or 1 night and suck it up.

My In laws are a nasty bunch and hubby refuses to visit without me!

my parents would be making their house accessible for him in heartbeats. It’s always possible, if hard.

so considering everything, yeah she should be coming to you, and is a little unreasonable expecting him to take days off work etc.

with babies being babies, they won’t leave your side for years, she will visit, or grow apart. But with parents aging being what it is, she will need more visits in the future.

so it will work out. But worth a conversation with hubby. It’s his family, he should be managing it.

That's a long way from "he only feels safe and happy in his own home with me around", op, which is what you actually said.

I’m personally very similar to you unless we’re going on holiday I don’t like staying away from home, my husband is the same. Some people have suggested this being weird, this is just called being homely!!

I personally think it’s very strange a mother would want her son to use a weeks worth of annual leave to leave his family (that’s what you are now) at home alone. To me it seems you not being able to access her home is a benefit to her as she gets her son alone, if this wasn’t the case she would either come to you or book a hotel for you or not suggest at all. which yes is nice to see your parents alone and have a chin wag, I personally wouldn’t stay, but as you said a night or two is more than enough. If I was trying to stay longer than this my mum would certainly be saying get back to your husband.

we live just over an hour from my in-laws, my husband will take our two year old boy for a few hours without me, he wouldn’t even dream of staying alone even if it was a longer drive, he sounds similar to your husband. And my little boy wouldn’t be staying over night there without me at this age.

personally I would tell your husband he needs to set some ground rules before you start a family, he needs to make it clear to his mum that he’s happy to occasionally have a night there, but unfortunately he doesn’t have the annual leave to use to spend any longer, and quite frankly doesn’t want to spending a week away from home and his wife for that long. He needs to express that he has a family now that’s likely grow so she needs to get used to travelling down and spending time at your house, your more than happy for her to come down for a week here and there.

your not being unreasonable setting down some expectations.

Your husband needs to just tell her that you will all visit for 3-4 days at a time very few months, you’ll stay at a hotel (maybe he can stay at hers for one or two nights) and that’s it. She can like it or lump it. He then has to stick to it. Once she realises she isn’t going to see him at all other than on his terms she will most likely accept it (or at least in a fashion, probably still moan).

My inlaws lived 4hours from our home, when we visited we stayed with them until it became obvious that the kids were to much and now I am not able to do the stairs in the night to the loo. We stayed in a hotel or campsite, once we had two kids we also got them to stay in a hotel (we paid) as there just wasntnt enough room. We visited the disabled family member either at locations or in their home.

If she's been in a wheelchair since being young or even a teenager the likelihood is her parents house is adapted so that's why she can visit there with no problems.

My son is a wheelchair user and anyone who cares about me, thinks about this. Grandparents changing their car, friends having kids parties in accessible places. It seems MIL is ignoring the face OP has access problems, she should visit her son at home sometimes to get to know her DIL.if that's the only way. She will miss out on newborn cuddles if OP is BF, or even if she isn't, new babies need Mum tbh. My MIL thinks there is a problem if I don't accompany DH every time he visits. There are people who have this expectation. I never have had that so MIL seemed a bit too much at first. As sounds like this MIL has a problem, why can't she come and visit sometime.

My Mum is the sort of woman who refuses to go anywhere without my Dad and it does my head in. I once suggested she go for a walk by herself and she was outraged.

No married couples don’t have to do everything together. You’re still an individual just as you were before you got married.

Okay, I'll say it.

OP - your MIL is a selfish cow.

I couldn’t help noting some of the language OP. Your said your partner feels “safe” when he not only in your house but with you there. I find that concerning in relation to a full grown adult man especially when it’s said in relation to him visiting his own mother.

Her expectations are excessive but so is the expectation of your/his side that she should be the one to visit you. As is an expectation that you should go with him because you are married.
Im glad that he does go for 1-2 nights.

Fast forward to a scenario where you have grown up kids. How would you feel in her shoes?

That phrase quoted above that “a son is only a son until he gets a wife” is very toxic IMO.

My MIL was chuffed to be able to hold and mind my babies as she said you are automatically less involved than the mother’s family as parental grandparents.

My husband sees his mother alone or with our kids without me all the time.

A very sensible post.

Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right?

Why? Me and DH don't always visit together. No fall outs, no issues, just no need.

It's unreasonable to expect couples to not spend their annual leave together. Some people don't see each other much when they're working. Different countries have different amounts of paid annual leave , some people hardly have any. Sounds like the MIL wants her son to spend weeks of his annual leave visiting her without his wife (OP), clearly ludicrous.

I think the reason you feel excluded is because you mentioned that you visiting your MIL but staying in a hotel isn’t an acceptable option to her. I’m sorry but either adapt your home to meet your families needs (huge ask, but if it’s important to spend time together then MIL would do this - I note you say it’s not possible in her property type), or be chill about the fact family will stay in a local hotel that is suitable (honestly the easier option for all).

It is incredibly selfish of your MIL to want DH to stay with her, knowing you can’t, whilst kicking off if you try to stay in a hotel locally.

Once you have the baby she’s going to have no choice but to like it or lump it, because your husband can’t be leaving you at home with the baby to go see family. And I suspect MIL won’t want that either, she’ll want the baby to go too. Which I’m sorry but at that stage you most definitely are a package deal.

I think it’s sad that there seems to be a generation of women who see their DIL not as family but as having ‘taken their son’. Blows. My. Mind.

That’s not a fair assumption about the older generation.

Yes the MIL is being OTT in this situation, but the OP started off the thread by saying in her view married couples should always travel together. The couple also have an expectation that the MIL should stay with them, whereas much like them she may prefer being in her own space. The bit - my husband made clear he wants people to travel to him seems unreasonable.

IMO the husband should continue as is - going to see his mother for a 1-2 nights. She’s getting older and she sounds lonely.

I treat my MIL as I hope any future DIL would treat me. My husband goes to see her all the time without me, often he takes the kids. His brother will often go too and I think it’s nice that my MIL gets to catch up with her sons and their kids without in-laws present.

I haven’t made any assumptions about the older generation.

Time after time there are posts on here about how MIL treat their DIL, I think it’s a shame. I think there’s a lot of people who could be nicer to the people that are married into their family,

I think it’s lovely your family enjoy alone time with their respective parents. But I’m sure there’s also times when you visit your in-laws too, and are made to feel welcome and included. OP is saying that’s not really the case for them, and therefore they’d prefer MIL puts in the miles post partum to visit them instead.

Id wager a lot of the older generation aren’t on mumsnet to tell the MIL stories. Like everything in life there is usually two sides to every story.

I don’t see a lot in the OP’s posts indicating that she’s not welcome. It’s not possible for the OP to stay in her MIL’s house. It’s quite a specific fact scenario.

As I’ve said the MIL demands about 1-2 weeks stay are excessive so it’s fair enough to say the MIL is being unreasonable.

But IMO the OP and her husband also have unreasonable expectations where they’ve decided they prefer being in their own house so the MIL is expected to travel. Which I’d understand more if it was because of the OP’s disability but the OP said one of the reasons is actually because her husband prefers it as he feels “safe” there”. Yet expects his 60 something mother to travel and stay out of her environment.

The current situation where the son sees his mum for 1-2 nights at a time seems a good compromise.

The poor woman sounds lonely.