Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

Of course you can stay in a hotel, that’s just daft, she can’t physically stop you.

I would equally welcome my son’s partner / want time alone with him, it’s not all or nothing. But your mil sounds like a selfish pain in arse, with no consideration for a wheelchair user.

Thank you for your input. I totally agree. I spend time with my mum alone too (my dad recently passed) so I totally get why she wants that and DH is more than happy to accommodate. Your mum definitely sounds like MIL and it just seems utterly exhausting. I'm younger than DH so my mum is only in her 50s so we still have quality time going shopping or girly lunches. Whereas MIL doesn't like doing social things with DH.

I'm 36 and I stay at my mums regularly on my own (2 hours away). I don't see the problem. My other half can come if he wants but I like to go. I don't do it very often. Maybe every 3-4 months.
She probably misses him. Does she ever get any time with just him?

The issue is his mum is demanding he stays for long periods of time (a week) and take time off work. This is what I think is unreasonable. If she wants this much time, she should come to us.

That's not a reasonable expectation in my opinion.

He is a married man. Pandering to sleepovers at his dm's was a mistake in the first place.... Visiting is different. Stomping feet for him to stay is ridiculous..
When you have dc he must put his family (you +dc) first. Seems like his db has got it right don't you think?

Well she doesn't live in a nice place so I'd be a bit peeved spending my money on a trip to then feel like I'm just in the way.

If you read the posts I have never stopped him visiting. He literally just got back. The issue is she doesn't accept he can't stay for a week at a time because he has a life and a job.

She's crazy! It absolutely is not normal to expect adult dc to stay over for several days at a time, in a house their wife can't access. As for expecting him to take time off work to stay at hers and leave you behind, she's absolutely batshit!

I'd be worried if my husband was indulging this fort of demanding behaviour and it would give me pause on the baby front. She'll be a nightmare mil, excluding you at every given opportunity, while expecting your dh to take the kids to hers (away from you) for frequent trips.
I'd say nip this in the bud but I think it's gone beyond that now - you both have to stop agreeing to her every demand. No more time off work to facilitate the crazy and start staying in a hotel for a brief visit. Time she started hearing the word 'no' before you have dc.

Her family will have accessible homes as they have dealt with a disabled family member for however long the OP has needed a wheelchair. Have you ever tried to manoeuvre a wheelchair indoors? What if there isn’t a ground floor bathroom?

His mother is being unreasonable, needy and rather selfish. It is much easier for her to stay with you- she must realise that.

I love my children's partners and we really enjoy them all coming. But I also love it when they come on their own, which they do sometimes. It's just different thing. Not better or worse but different.

Op says her husband does visit her, but MIL is demanding and wants longer visits, which is unreasonable imo.

Exactly :) I've been disabled since birth and in a powerchair since age 2. Even distant family have made sure I can access their homes even if they've had to temporarily remove the front door ha! I think area makes a difference too. My family lives more rurally so houses are usually bigger with at least one door that is usually rampable. All DH's family live in 2 up 2 down terraces so if the front door isn't doable I'm not getting in.

I do go and visit my parents alone for multiple nights but there is nothing that would stop my family ensuring my husband could join in if he wanted. If he was in a wheelchair that may include changing the house if possible (you’ve said not) or hotel and very likely them coming to us or in the middle. Is she nervous of travel? Do you know her reasons for not coming to you? I think you’re right that long term that needs to happen so best address it before children arrive.

If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.

You ARE allowed to stay in a hotel. Just book it and tell her.

I'm probably around the same age as your parents/in-laws. I would never ever want my dcs to feel pressured into visiting or staying longer than they are able to. I want their visits to be something they choose to do because they want to see us - not because it's a duty. If I don't see my dcs for a while I comfort myself with the knowledge that they have busy, fulfilled lives. Equally I want them to think that we have happy, fulfilled lives ourselves and aren't twiddling our thumbs waiting for a duty visit. So I don't believe you are being at all unreasonable. Your MIL is retired and flexible. You and dh have work commitments, physical challenges etc. She needs to fit in with you.

I would say no, married couples don't always have to visit together, sometimes yes it's nice but I got to my parents on my own sometimes, not fair to drag dp there each time (I also work less hours so nip when hes at work), his mum when she was alive made it cleared she preferred him alone, ditto siblings, us partners were in the way! (We didn't comply all the time but sometimes he went and I did something else)

You sound lovely :) my mum (and my dad when he was alive) absolutely loved DH and would treat him as a key part of the family. I would regularly see my parents alone, they'd visit me, I'd visit them or we'd meet somewhere in the middle. But the invite for DH was always there.

His Mum sounds horrendous and selfish
I cannot imagine my parents or inlaws excluding a spouse in that way. When you have relative with disabilities you work around it. She is being quite selfish in her need to have him in her house to herself for multiple nights without you. Most parents would be happy if you travelled nearby as a couple but stayed in accessible accommodation.

I think you are right go discourage this or
she will stamp her feet in the future about grandchildren. Maybe your dh needs to suggest she moves to a more accessible house now because once you have kids they won't be visiting her without you.

We have pets so we very rarely stay over together. It's fine - we don't need to spend every night together.

You're right and everyone has helped me decide to just book us a stay in DH's home town. I'll find some things to alone so DH and MIL can have alone time but hopefully we can also spend some time together :)

Not particularly weird for some mothers. Is DH an only child?

Not to mention turning the chair, getting upstairs as a chairlift is not always feasible. If they really wanted you to gone they’d build a ramp over the stairs (the one my mum has is really long so it’s not too steep) to get over the step. She had to remove a wall and get a doorway out in so she could get my dad hoist in and have enough turning circle.

How much annual leave does he get? I would be raging if DH didn't prioritise our family holidays / joint activities for his annual leave, and he'd never have enough to splurge some of it on a solo visit to in-laws.
I think she IBU for expecting him to use leave to stay at hers, never mind the issue about you visiting (and on that point I also think she IBU).

My husband visits his family alone sometimes if I can't get time off or have other things to do, we lived about 3 hrs away at the time. There's a different dynamic when a other half is there and I can see why parent might crave a bit of alone time with their adult children, as much as I love in laws and they love me, it's just nice to have some visits just their son again and same for my family.

DH has a younger brother who has stayed local but MIL and BIL aren't particularly close. They're a bit closer now BIL has a baby but MIL has made it clear she's not a huge fan of the GF.