Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

Not at all the norm in our family that married couples always visit as a couple.

Much as I love my kids' partners (and I really, truly do) it's nice sometimes to have one of them home on their own for a visit. Although, granted, it would typically be when their other half is away with work and they fancy WFH here for a few days for a bit of a spoil!

Wives trump mothers, and a person with a disability trumps someone who is merely disinclined to travel.

Sounds like a sensible man.

If you can’t access her house, why do you visit with your husband and stay in a hotel as presumably you still can’t go and see her. Does this mean she has to come to your hotel or that you have to always be out and about? If you do your own thing so your husband can go home without you, I don’t see why you don’t just stay home and cut out the cost of a hotel?

Maybe she would just like to see a bit of her son on his own, which I can understand. It’s different when a spouse comes along too, even if you get on.

As for him taking time off work to see her, that’s really for your husband to discuss with her and would depend if he has leave available.

From your first message though, it sounded like you were very much in the driving seat with all this, telling him when you have a child that his mum must visit you. That really isn’t for you to decide or dictate. It’s his mum! You imagine when you have a child of your own, if their spouse told you that they would no longer be allowed to go back to their family home and you’d have to do all the running. I think you should stay out of it personally. You’ve got lots of other time together.

The MIL is toxic and controlling. DH should visit less not more.

He did the right thing going drinking with work colleagues after work on a work trip away, to not have done so excludes himself from the working relationship they all have. He still visited his DM at some point whilst he was there, that's enough.

She's being totally unreasonable expecting him to take AL to visit her for a week at a time (multiple times a year? How much AL does she think he gets? Is he supposed to use it all on her?).

As for she "doesn't let" you stay in a hotel when you visit, stop allowing her to control your family unit. Tell her you're staying in a hotel and it's not up for discussion.

DH isn't responsible for relieving his DM loneliness, she should be taking steps to sort her own life out not sitting around bitching and whinging about not being treated as Queen Bee at all times by her favourite son.

DH has his head screwed on refusing to be enmeshed with her. She's lining him up as a husband/carer substitute. I'm surprised he wants to visit at all give her behaviour.

Don't be encouraging her to bring her toxicity into your home too often either, she'll only end up angling to move in, so she can control your lives and take over as head of the household completely. It's a matter of time before she starts with the multiple phone calls a day and the emotional blackmail of how poor little old her can't possibly cope alone in this big old house so far from the only other human in existence who could possibly look after her.

Wise up OP, you and DH are being way too accomodaing. Stop pandering to her nonsense and change the subject when she moans.

YABU

Your husband should be able to visit his family without you. Equally you should be able to visit Youre without him.

You're married…not conjoined

We often visited family separately based on shift work and what activities the kids were doing. When my DFiL needed caring for my DH went for 3 days/ nights every week until DFiL agreed to go into a care home (he split it with his sister) -I was at home and visited when able. It would have driven my DH mental to see my DM every time I went - he loved her very much, but he had other things to do eg, picking the kids up from clubs, seeing his own parents etc.

I visit my mum a lot without my OH.

I think refusing for you to stay in a hotel (probably because it then means your dh can’t stay her house) is absolutely not on. It’s not that you don’t want to. It’s because you can’t. It’s ableist and rude. And yes even though she clearly would relish being able to cook for him, have him stay over etc….Its much nicer than meeting up for the day agd then you going back to a hotel.

Insisting your dh stays for a week at a time is harder imo because I’ve done exactly that with my family. But that’s because they are in another country so going for a day or two has never been possible. It’s also usually the only time I see them during the year. The dcs have also always come with me then.
In your situation, it feel like there is a need for flexibility. So maybe not a whole week but 3~4 days. Maybe not him going with a baby but when they are toddler. Etc….
When and how you’ll thinngs will change with time, if you have a baby, how I,d they are etc…

She could also stay over at your house though.

Is it possible she wants him to visit for a couple of nights so that she can take time to talk to him about her life admin stuff …. maybe power of attorney, her will, her investments and pensions, what she wants to happen to her valuables etc. Or maybe to ask his advice on something. Or maybe she has health issues she wants to discuss. Or maybe she is just very lonely and wants to re-connect with him and reminisce. Old ages does come with worries and concerns, which are sometimes a little bit irrational, especially if there is nobody else she trusts as much as her son. And maybe she feels he’s the one who can help reassure her if only they had a bit of time to sit and discuss.
Why not encourage him to go for a long weekend on his own. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for married couples to see their parent on their own for a couple of days.

I'm 35 and I would find it really odd to take time off to go and stay with my mum. I see her at weekends or bank holidays etc.

I do not think you are being unreasonable.

1. You are fine with your husband visiting on his own. He just got back from visiting.
2. You have made the suggestion that you and DH stay in a hotel when you come. Perfectly reasonable given your mobility issue. “Nope, not what I want”, says MIL. Red flag indicating let’s put an obstacle in Beaker’s way so she can’t/won’t come.
3. Reasonable suggestion that MIL come to your house to see the both of you. “Nope, not what I want”, says MIL (again).
4. Crazy suggestion that DH take off a week at a time from work, multiple times throughout the year to come visit mummy. Not many people have that luxury. Just because she is retired and has plenty of free time doesn’t mean DH can do that.

For about 5 years, my DH and I lived about 2 hours away from his parents. He commuted daily for work and would stop by his parent’s house 2 or 3 times a week on his way home. I, like you, thought it was wonderful he had such a great relationship with his parents.

Honestly, it sounds like you have an MIL who can’t let go of her baby boy. And, a little bit of a problem with your DH not taking a stand against her unreasonable demands. He needs to grow a backbone and tell her that her demands are out of the question. “Can’t do a week multiple times a year. Not happening.” “I want Beaker to come, so we must and will be staying in a hotel. You have to realize nothing else is possible, right, Mum?”

She sounds like a lot of work and insufferable. Thank goodness I won the MIL lottery and didn’t have to put up with this malarkey. I feel for you, Beaker. Things probably won’t get better unless your DH puts his foot down.

What's all this "allowed to" stay in a hotel? She's your MIL she can't tell you what you're allowed or not allowed to do. As for all this ensuring she gets all this one on one time with her son - that's on those two alone to negotiate and I don't see why you should bend over backwards to accommodate this. I always find it so weird when mothers do this when their children are married and don't live locally. Surely married couples usually take trips together and that means you have to see them together.

The fact that her home isn't accessible makes it in my eyes completely unacceptable for him to stay there if you're travelling with him. Does she seriously want him in the house and you in a local hotel? If any of you entertain this then you're all bonkers!

This.

Did dh move straight from her home to live with you?
I dont think couples should always travel together I really like my eldest's partner but I like to see them on my own too.
This is the first time ive said this but sounds like you have a dh problem not MIL problem he needs to tell her that occasionally you will stay in a hotel that's his issue not his mum's.
I used to love it when dh went to see his parents for a few days even more so if he took the children, oh and his dad used to go out fishing together. I wasn't hanging around all day to wait for them to get back.
My parents never went anywhere separately and I used to want to just see my mum on my own some times. It sounds like an unhealthy codependednt relationship between you and your husband do you have your own hobbies/friendship groups?

If my DIL couldn't access my house I would go out of my way to find a solution. All my children visit me (sometimes a bit too regularly!!) so I'm lucky to see them often.

Well, this is up to your husband. If he doesn't want to visit her often, or at all, then he just doesn't go.
If he wants to visit a couple times a year, then he books a hotel - she can't actually stop him.
It's absolutely fine for your husband to go on his own.
It's also fine to go with you, and Mother can come and meet you for lunch in the hotel, or another accessible venue.
You actually have multiple options, and you can call the shots. The real problem is that you (or your husband) think that if Mother says "Do this" then you have to do it. You don't.
Make your own choices - don't wait for others to issue instructions.

If your DH only wants to visit her for 1-2 nights, he should do that. Her 'demanding' he visits for longer is his problem to sort out. Don't get involved. Also, she doesn't 'not allow' you to stay in a hotel - why are you allowing her to dictate what you do?

My BIL lines about that distance from his DPs. Sometimes they go and visit together, sometimes he goes alone for the weekend. I'm not sure why you always have to go together?

Does DH actually want to go and visit her alone?

Have you invited her to your first a particular weekend?

She sounds like a drain. I'd understand a bit if she was in her 90s and immobile but she isn't. She needs to stop moaning and make some effort herself.

I'm not surprised!

I agree with this ^^

I'm 65 and get utterly exasperated when I read posts about fit and well parents who are my age and who are utterly incapable of visiting their DC, understanding the workplace and generally understanding life in general.

Unless there are mental health issues it sounds like your MIL has main character syndrome and has no concept of how other people lead their lives.

I agree that if you want to stay in a hotel when visiting then just do it. If she doesn't like it then tough, she doesn't get to see her son as much. She doesn't get to call the shots.

Premier Inns are very good for accessible rooms with accessible bathrooms.

sounds like your MIL has main character syndrome and has no concept of how other people lead their lives

I've never heard it called that before. Sounds like it's what the "D"MIL has in this case.

How can she eclectic her DS to have a week off work just to spend with her? Did she do that with her own annual leave when her DO's were alive?

My ex husband was in the army & Id often go & visit my Mum without him & then with dd after she was born. He left the army by the time we had our second child, so then we were close to both our families. I moved away after our marriage broke down & went on to have a relationship of a few years & he would come with me when I visited my Mum with the children.
I don't think there's a norm, it's just people do what suits their situation/wants/needs best.

You say about MIL, she wants, demands, gets angry etc, I'm always telling my DC, we can't control what other people say think or do but we can control how we respond. What I mean is your MIL can't actually demand you do or don't do anything, she can state her wants, but you & your dh have the choice to do as you want. If you want to all stay in a hotel, then you do that, if he wants to stay just one night, then he does that, she can't control any part of it.

The reply that said, why is it the ops parents is accessible but not the MIL, it sounds like the op is willing to visit anyone except her MIL & to expect divorce....how ridiculous, what an ignorant & ableist comment. First where is the common sense, the OP is in a chair so of course her family will have homes that accommodate that, where her husband is able bodied so his family have not had to have accessible homes. So little understanding of accessible needs, it goes a little further than just sticking a ramp by a door!

If we were allowed to stay in a hotel I'd easily occupy myself so she could have them at her house.
Well, she doesn’t get to say what you and your husband are allowed to do because you are adults.

She might not like your husband saying he won’t be using up annual leave/ family time for him to stay at her house for days. That if she wants to see you all for several days then you’ll be staying in a hotel.

That might not be her preference but what is she going to do other than grumble?