Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

Well dh is currently visiting his elderly dad in South Africa, I definitely don't go every time!

Yes she should visit you sometimes, has she said why she won't? As for the hotel thing, just do it, book it sometime and ignore her opinion on that. Talk to her about potential grandchildren and that if she wants a close relationship with them she will need to be more flexible.

I think your husband should do what he feels like he wants to do. My exh came maybe every 4th or 5th visit to my family who lived abroad. I went a couple of times a year for a week or two with the kids. He would also sometimes go to his side of the family alone with the kids for a few days. They weren't as close.

I think your MIL demanding that he stays for a week isn't on, but ultimately there is no rule (or reason) why married people can't go and stay with family members on their own in my opinion.

I think she is being odd, I could understand if she wanted you to visit but you refused but if you can’t even access her property then that’s unfair. Why would your dh want to spend his holiday away from you.

Perfectly reasonable to stay at a hotel and visit her at accessible places nearby.

In situations like this there needs to be some give and take and it sounds like your MIL is being very inflexible in wanting your DH to always visit her and not vice versa, stay for several nights at a time and stay in her house and not a hotel despite her house not being accessible for her DIL

Is there any reason why she can't occasionally visit you?

We sometimes visit together but as my MIL becomes older my DH is stepping up the frequency of his visits and often goes alone.

It sounds like more flexibility and give and take is needed by all parties.

I don't really like the thought of being separated from my future children for multiple days

I am 90% certain that when that time comes, you will view it as a welcome break from your children!

I regularly take the kids to my parents without DH and vice versa and we love having a break.

I wouldn't have liked it when they were babies but I honestly think most parents do this and enjoy it

She is odd. We went up a couple of years ago for DH's grandad's funeral (not mum's side) and she got mad with DH for only spending 1 full day with her as obviously we were busy spending time with his dad's side.

I have children your DH's age. His mother is utterly unreasonable and he needs to tell her so.

I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her.

Oh well then, you won't be visiting her.

Married couples visit family together, right?

Not all the time, obviously. You've really never visited your family without your husband?

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Yup. She'll have to deal with it.

I'm sorry that you feel excluded, that must be horrible to not be able to physically access places and to be shut out of things.

However, I often visit my family alone, and stay for several nights at a time as they are around 4 hours away. My work is more flexible than DH, and I will sometimes go and stay for 4 or even 5 nights just by myself, to spend time with my family.

DH is always welcome, and often will come at special times of year, or for big occasions.

But neither of us has bags of spare time so we each spend it as we wish, rather than always having to be together.

Then whatever you do won’t be good enough so decide with dh what the plans will be and let dh deal with telling her.

Absolutely no reason. She retired young so is only early 60s. Drives but also loves travelling by train which is easy to us. No caring responsibilities. We have a large house with lovely guest room that is also in walking distance to her brother who she misses loads apparently.

If she really wanted to see your DH, then she would make it happen by either going to yours or putting you up in a hotel.

Similarly if she really wanted to see her brother, she would make it happen.

It sounds like she prefers the moaning and emotional blackmail to actually doing what she says.

Best ignored OP. If you do want to go your DH tells her next it's hotel or nothing. If she seriously chooses nothing then you know what she is like.

Married couples visit family together, right?

Why?

My parents died young, before I was married, but I imagine I would've loved to have spent time with them without DH.

And I wish that DH would sometimes visit his parents without me. They're nice and we get on but they're not my family. But they would be offended if I didn't go.

I really hope I have time with DD on her own once she's married.

What does your DH think btw?

Is he interested? She sounds controlling what does she want 1:1 with her son for a week just for company? Is she married/partnered? Does your DH have siblings.

The occasional solo visit is fine if you’re all happy but you’re not if you’re being excluded. Given your access needs and her ability to get around she should be able to accommodate visiting you if you’ve invited her otherwise she’s purposefully excluding you with you and dh should both push back on. Simple for dh to say “we can’t visit as wife can’t access the house given her needs we’d love to have you here.”

Children will be demanding on you and DH’s time don’t let her call he shots now and don’t let her exclude you to monopolize her sons time. Some mums really need to let go. My own mil is strange but respects when you’re married it’s more or less assumed you come as a pair unless there’s a reason!

I’m with you OP you’ve explained the situation and options she needs to get on board. Ultimately it’s up to your dh though so what does he want?

This seems very odd to me. Does she not like you?
I understand seeing her son is her priority but excluded you totally seems very unkind, especially when she could easily visit you both at your home.
Has she ever visited your house?
I agree that you need to address this issue before children come because it will only make things much worse.
What does your husband say? I feel that he should be supporting you, by saying that if his mum wants to spend multiple nights together then she should come to your home not demand he lives his wife (& potentially future kids) alone for that long

Just book a hotel. She can’t tell you where you can stay. We never stay in my in laws any more, so we book an airbnb nearby.

But I disagree with you that you should always visit together - sometimes I bring my husband to my parents, sometimes not. I’d expect him to visit his alone sometimes too.

Also agree with you going to a hotel. Draw the lines now so she knows wife and children have a say and priority in DH’s time etc otherwise he’ll end up pandering to it all (unless he does already!) and you’ll get resentful!

I completely agree. DH does struggle to spend time with her because the only thing she does is moan and talk at him. DH is quite happy to visit for a night or two but he is a homebird and only really feels safe and comfortable in our home with me around. He's made it quite clear to me that he wants our home to be the hub where anyone from his side can visit whenever they like.

Maybe she also wants her home to be the hub that he can visit?
Maybe she is also a homebird and only feels comfortable and safe in her own home?

The phrase is- the road runs 2 ways. Give and take.

It is very unfortunate that you cant access her home but realistically from what you have said that cant be changed.

My DH wants to see her more but finds her incredibly hard to be around. Her communication is appalling. She just talks at DH and moans for hours on end (primarily about her aging mother who she has wiped her hands of). He is okay with 1-2 night stays but that's the max he wants to go away for. He really doesn't like being away from me or our home for long.

She has a partner of 10 years but they only spend one night a week together and I get the impression she actually hates him. DH does have one brother who lives near MIL but he's quite distant. MIL makes it very clear DH is the favourite!

My dh and I go and see and stay with our parents without the other one. My PIL live in America and my dh goes for the weekend at least three times a year. I go and stay with my parents about the same amount.

It seems that you just really dislike her and that is the issue?

And that's fine. DH has offered to do 1-2 night visits to her but if that's not good enough then what do you suggest?

That's your answer then. Everything else is a bit of a red herring. Your MIL wants DH to visit more than he would like. HINBU to say no. Obviously he shouldn't tell her he only feels safe and comfortable in your own house, but not many adults have a week's annual leave to spare.