Expectations around adult children visiting

[ThatWildBeaker]

I’m curious/looking for your experiences.

DH (38) lives 3 hours from his family (he’s only really close-ish to his mum). His mum has expressed upset that he doesn’t come to visit for multiple nights at a time. I’m a wheelchair user and cannot access her house and staying in a hotel is not an acceptable option for her. She wants her son in her house and she doesn’t care if that excludes me. Am I unreasonable to think this is not the done thing? Married couples visit family together, right? I have always said she’s welcome in our home for as long as she wants. She’s retired with no commitments so could easily stay. DH and I regularly travel and stay with my family 3 hours away and my family just automatically includes DH in any plans.

DH and I are planning on starting a family very soon and I’ve made it quite clear MIL will be expected to visit us and she’s just going to have to deal with that.

Please help me understand if I’m being unreasonable or how you’d approach this!

Yes, I also need a hoist so I completely recognise that my needs are not easy to meet.

TBF he gets quite a lot as it rolls over every year and we don't go away much (DH choice, I love a holiday)

YABU I visit my family all the time without my husband.

i do think it’s not okay that MIL house is inaccessible. Is it possible to source a ramp? How much extra stuff is needed for you to ever stay there?

Yes and no, DH's family are 4h drive away and he does occasionally visit alone but usually we go together with our DC and I would find it rude if he was offered to stay but I wasn't.
I'm closer to my family than he is with his, we live near to them but if we lived further I can see me visiting alone sometimes or just me and the DC because I would want to see them more often than he would.
My brother and SIL stay with my parents when they visit but if my SIL was a wheelchair user I can't imagine my parents being offended if they stayed in a hotel

He does visit without me but MIL he visits without me for a week at a time and take AL which neither of us think is reasonable.
There's no way to make her house accessible. There's too many very narrow steps to ramp and even if I got inside there's no downstairs toilet (and no space to add one as 2 up 2 down mid terrace). She has said she'll get an accessible flat in 10-15 years lol.

That was meant to say MIL wants him to visit her without me for a week at a time

Unreasonable and selfish of her. I hope your DH supports you.

Well she doesn't live in a nice place so I'd be a bit peeved spending my money on a trip to then feel like I'm just in the way

I get you

So MIL isn't stopping you booking a hotel

You're worried you'll be wasting money if she doesn't welcome you

This is a very different take on your OP

I'll suggest that she won't welcome you because from what you've said she doesn't seem very keen on you

But, you see, I thought that you wanted to be close by to DH (in the hotel) to support him as he finds it challenging visiting MIL

Maybe I misunderstood?

Or maybe I didn't 🤣

No she isn't physically stopping me booking but when that's been presented to her as a solution she says no.

I'd like to go with DH to actually spend some time with MIL and his other family. DH can cope with her alone if he has to.

No - I certainly do not think couples have to visit family together! But three hours isn't much - an overnighter or maybe two is plenty.

I think she sounds VERY demanding imo. Whilst I think its perfectly fine for your hubby to visit his parents, mum, without you his wife, from time to time, I would hope u are not 'excluded' on any of these occasions. I wouldn't like that at all. I personally wont be asking my sons , I have 3, to visit and stay overnight alone without their partners. If they come alone, lovely, but that would be their choice. They are always welcome as a pair now that each of them have left home and live their own life.

Yes 3 hours would be rubbish. DH currently stays for a night or 2 with her. The issue is she wants him to spend a week in her house multiple times a year (taking AL).

Out of interest, does your hubby WANT to stay with his mum for a wk on his own?

You sound like my lovely mum as that's her approach. I set aside 1-2-1 time with my mum regularly but if I'm going to stay for multiple days my DH is always invited but obviously doesn't has to go. That's the issue that by her insisting he stays with her I'm excluded from every visit.

ThatWildBeaker

😀

Absolutely not! He barely copes with their fortnightly phonecall - on a visit he's done by day 3. I can see he wants to make her happy though so is slowly giving in. I think we could do a lovely 3-4 day visit every few months with a good balance of her spending alone time with him, having time with the 3 of us, and seeing his other family. It would be easier if his mum would be okay with that and then he can also do solo overnight visits.

Absolutely not!

I thought that would be the case!

I wonder if he's an only child? Maybe me having 4 makes me more relaxed about it as I couldn't cope with all of them, their partners and all the GC (8) being here all the time. Too expensive and too exhausting.

YABU it’s totally normal to visit family without your partner. Infact I find it weird when couples act as though they are joined at the hip and do everything together. It’s healthy to have some time apart.

As for talking about plans for children that don’t even exist yet, you’re getting miles ahead of yourself. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Nope not an only child! BIL has stayed in the same town but keeps his distance.

If you read the posts, DH goes without me for 1-2 nights BUT his mum is demanding he visits for whole weeks (taking AL) and without me as I can't access her house.

I have a life limiting condition and very rarely go near MIL's home, maybe every couple of years. Unless you need DH 24/7 I don't see any reason why he can't visit alone. I'd much rather that than the expense you propose.

Given that she doesn’t like BIL’s girlfriend and is generally weird about other family eg the grandad’s funeral, I am guessing that nothing short of both her sons moving home and spending all their time talking to her would placate her.

So give up trying and keep doing what suits you 😀

You can either stay at a hotel/air b&b or he can visit himself. I live in Ireland and all my family live in England so I frequently visit them with just my children as my partner works more days than me. It's actually nice to spend time with them just me and the kids.

I’m your age and 4/5 hours from my family. We live 20/30 mins from mil. We aren’t married but long term partners.
i often go to my families without my partner as he has to work. I go for multiple nights at a time due to the distance, and I take the children with me. He stays at home alone. Once a year roughly he makes the trip with us.
he also often goes to his Mums alone, but obviously doesn’t stay over as it’s down the road. If we are all seeing her we tend to go out together or she comes to us. Her house isn’t very good for 3 children. And it seems silly for us to cart everyone there for a couple of hours basically. So she comes to us.
my family also visit us occasionally but not as often as I go to them.