How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

Calling her a bitch wasn’t your best move, but there’s a lot of this toxic/NC going around, I’m assuming it’s fed by SM.

Following please

Well there are some possibilities here

1. You are toxic and your daughter is starting to realise this since moving away and becoming aware that your family set up was not "normal"
2. Your daughter has something else she is worried about and you were a convenient target for her anger
3. Your daughter is the toxic one

I would suggest that you get in contact with your daughter to have an open discussion. She may not feel she can be open with you (which is obviously an issue). Try not to get defensive and do not tell her she is wrong - just let her talk.

Then you need to sincerely look at your own behaviour. Are you so entrenched in your ways, that you don't realise what you are doing is toxic?

Hmmm. There's a lot here. She lost it 'over nothing', you told her if 'she starts again' ...this is all very minimising. It's very hard to be told you're 'starting again' if you feel justified in your upset.

Was she right about wanting it all your own way? I appreciate that you are ill, but how has this been handled in the family, do they have to make lots of concessions that are just expected and not appreciated?

Jumping straight to calling your own daughter a bitch seems a little nuclear.

Sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with her. She has every right to express her opinions of your and your behaviours. But you as her mother should not be calling her a bitch. That's nasty.

Perhaps the best way forward is for you to apologise unreservedly for blowing up at her, tell her that your door is always open to her, and leave the ball in her court.

We have no right to expect anything of our children. They do not ask to be born. We bring them into this world and force upon them a life that they didn't ask for.

She owes you nothing.

I know hearing her call you toxic was hurtful, but I must admit thr fact that you'd call someone a bitch so quickly and easily to their face, doubly so as it's your daughter - I'd understand if there was history of tension and you were at the end of your tether, but I certainly wouldn't expect a couple of days of tension to induce you into calling her a bitch so easily... is that usual for you? With her or anyone else?

Please, please have a good long think about whether you might be the problem. And as best you can get the relationship sorted.

I have a toxic mother (and living away (distance) made her behaviour completely obvious). I put up with her behaviour for years until finally I pulled away.

Get therapy yourself so that you can have someone neutral to guide you through.

I couldn’t get past it if my mother called me a bitch.

I do think there is lots you are not putting, what actual events happened?

Calling your daughter a bitch IS very toxic.
I can’t imagine my own Mum doing that to me ( and she’s no by means perfect..)
Might be worth listening to her rather than “trying to get past it”

If you are chronically ill that affects everything. The stress from that will affect you and your daughter over the long term.

She called you toxic.

You called her a bitch.

What is really happening here?

Interesting that you said if she started again 'we' are going back to the hotel not 'I' am going back to the hotel. It sounds like you haven't managed the transaction to her being an adult living independently abroad yet. You can only control your actions not hers

It was me and her little sister not my 19 year old

Your answer was to call her a bitch? I think your daughter may be on to something here.

I said she was being a bitch which she was and had been since I arrived.

As someone with a toxic mother (no contact for ten years) a couple of things jump out at me here.

You told her if she "started again WE would be going back to the hotel". That sounds quite domineering and controlling and treating her like a child. Also, dismissive of what she was upset about.
And you called her a bitch. That's a big over reaction and aggressive.

That isn't ok

Thank you. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I don’t think I’m toxic. I said to her I’m happy for her to let me know why she feels this way and we can discus it. She has said she didn't mean it.

What age is her little sister?

You don't think it would have been better to model mature behaviour? All you did was exacerbate the situation.

What do you mean?

TBH, this makes it sound like your daughter has a point.

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