How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

No I wont be doing that. Thanks for your input.

It wasnt a conversation, she saw red and was shouting at me.

She may have realised that you’ve got no intention of self reflecting and taking on board what she’s said so she’s decided not to push it, but whatever happened, in that moment, I’ve no doubt that is how she really felt and you response was to call her a bitch.. kind of proves her point.

I would suspect shes growing up and gaining Independence and she doesn’t like you treating her like a naughty child anymore.

Apologising doesn’t make you a doormat. It makes you the adult.

I’m happy to apologise.

2 possibilities here:

• she genuinely didn't mean it and other things were going on for her making her dysregulated, in which case she needs warmth, empathy and support

• she did mean it but your reaction in calling her a bitch (I'm glad you've said you will reconsider your approach to this) made her realise there was no point trying to talk to you about it, and she's gone back into a fawning survival mode of trying to keep you happy to feel safe

To disentangle the two I would suggest you say to her that you are open to hearing her reasons for thinking you are toxic, as that's the last thing you want to be. Say you won't dismiss what she says but instead will really reflect on it as your relationship with her is so important to you. This will only work if you genuinely can be open to that and commit to not arguing against her reasons.

Thank you.

@WinteryConditions YES!!!! This is exactly what I thought! Everyone raves about the phillipa Perry book but to me it was just clear that she only had one child without additional needs to cater for. No clue about balancing needs.

Is that learned behaviour though? Thr apologies are always to you, not from you?
What does your 14 yo make of it?

Can I ask why not? You seem reflective in your later posts but then this response is quite blunt.

Sorry that your trip was so stressful.

It was "great" from your perspective.

I'd be interested to hear your daughter's perspective. Was it great simply because she went along with what you wanted and behaved how you wanted her to?

Couple of thoughts:

I calmly told her that if she started again we are going back to the hotel - she's an adult, you're treating her like a child.

You lost the moral high ground when you called her a bitch - so you called her a bitch, she called you toxic, I think you are even and probably need to let this go, unless you genuinely want to reflect on whether she might be right and make amends.

Really? You won't apologise for calling your daughter a bitch? If she called you a bitch presumably you would be OK with that then.

She lost her cool about her new boyfriend? And you said she lost her cool about nothing! I think the details of this are probably key to everything. Did you tell her you didn't approve of or like him? But that's not your choice. Did you say you were concerned about how she was being treated? That's not nothing.

Navigating parent/child relationships in early adulthood is tricky. I know I was really grown up and sensible in loads of ways, but there was an inner stroppy teen that only came to the surface when around my family. Obviously, I’m really embarrassed by this.

So you were having a nice walk and a chat and she exploded over nothing?

Or she reacted to something you said, or a way that you have been behaving for a long time, that she's fed up of putting up with?

Maybe?

Was it just the 3 of you on holiday? Have you and dd14 become closer/always been closer and she's feeling like an outsider? Were you ganging up on her about the bf even unintentionally? Why did she see red?

@helpfulperson I’m guessing that OP didn’t say anything about the boyfriend, but that there had been some kind of recent upset between dd and boyfriend.

Ideally, dd could brushed her feelings aside and pulled herself together to have a nice time with her mum and sister. Especially given mum and sister had travelled for the trip. However, at 19, romantic relationships can make you feel awful. What’s more, seeing your family can put you back into the role of child, which makes it even harder to act like the adult and pull yourself out of a mood.

This.
Wow! When was the first time you used that term?
Is this normal language in your home?
It's mysogynistic and horrible.

I hadn’t thought about us becoming closer, maybe? We were asking her questions, she had just told us about him reluctantly. She was telling us all about her friend who is seeing a married man and I jokingly said, hes not married too is he while laughing, sure will get slated for this too but was a joke.

Op, do you have an attitude to parenting which is a little "I'm your mother, you should respect me and my authority"?

It's not necessarily wrong, children do need to know that their parents are in charge, but the balance needs to change as they reach adulthood.

A few of your replies have suggested to me that you do take this stance (won't stand for disrespect from your children, but believe it's OK to be overly harsh to them).

I think we’ve established this above.

Something to reflect on

Sounds like she feels you were ganging up and taking the piss out of her and not in a jovial fun way.
Were they nice interested questions or bitchy?