How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

Not bitchy at all I don’t think but orehaps she took it that way.

Your daughters feelings are valid whether you agree with them or not. she hasn’t just decided to say all of this for a laugh and pretend she’s feeling a way that she actually isn’t.

You not need to swallow your pride and have a proper conversation with her to ask why she feels this way and actually listen to her.

take ownership for stuff and ask what you can do to move forward and fix your relationship.

One possibility:

She thinks you are toxic.

She said so.

You called her a bitch.

You aren't going apologise because she was a bitch

She has decided there is no point engaging with you for whatever reason and has decided to tell you that she didn't mean it.

She has probably decided that she would rather go low or no contact than be called a bitch (and really, who can blame her?)

I have apologised. But yeah your so right🙄

She tells you about her boyfriend and you (jokingly?) ask if he is a married man.

I wonder if there is a pattern in your "normal" comments that you tend to the negative or the dismissive or assume your child has done something wrong.

The response to hearing, for the first time, that your daughter has a new boyfriend is surely to want to know more about him, not ask whether he is married? You may have meant it as a joke (not sure why it was funny?) but she hears "I expect your boyfriend is married and I disapprove" and "of course you wouldn't have an actual nice unattached boyfriend". If this is a "normal" part of your usual conversation, then your daughter probably feels worn down by it - and after a break and interacting with people who don't talk to her that way, she's got limited patience for it.

I think it’s a bit unfortunate that you decided to make a joke about your daughters boyfriend given she was already reluctant to tell you about him (if I’ve understood correctly?). Did her reticence come from knowing you were going to take the piss? You may have thought it was a joke but it’s not particularly amusing, and I can see why she was upset if this is part of a wider pattern.

It wasn't funny. No is the answer to this.

She's legally an adult now. The approach needs to change, you need to start respecting her as one which means talking to her like you would another adult and being careful that you don't hold double standards.

If she's expected to treat you with a certain level of respect, then you treat her with the same respect you expect from her.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with this poster.

Calling her a bitch is so derogatory, and if my mum did the same we'd have a big problem.

I have a mother who is amazing in many ways, would give us her last penny, puts us first in most ways, very intelligent and interested in the world. However, she really likes things done on her time always, she speaks before she thinks and can be critical over things we see are daft and she thinks arent (ie creased clothes on holiday) and can go nuclear with temper and then gets over it very quickly and then gets angry when everyone else doesn't. She has a different threshold than we do for things, so when we would get upset or angry at her comments or behaviour she would think we were ott or "picking on her".

I don't use the word toxic as its bandied about alot these days and is clearly an emotive term that doesn't help the "toxic" person look into their behaviour, so doesn't help the dialogue. But there may be some truth to what she says, and her perspective might be exaggerated but for the sake of your relationship with her then it's worth a proper dialogue. It would be an interesting exercise to have your daughter write her perspective of the day with you and see how it compares with yours.

Her saying she didn't mean it may just be her way of avoiding an argument. You say you're chronically ill as a response to her saying you like things your way, does that mean you do like things your way due to the chronic illness? Being in pain long term can make it comforting to have your own way, and being in pain can also make a person a little impatient so perhaps this manifests in the relationship? Just guesswork there of course.

Hope things improve between you both!

Anger is a secondary emotion; it masks another emotion like fear or grief.

Yes, also agree with this.

I apologise to my 7 year old when I think I've been out of order.

I think, from your posts, that that issue is more with you OP.

I don't know your history with her, but there does seem to be a ridiculous amount of teenagers accusing parents of being toxic and going no contact at the moment. I have seen Facebook reels etc pop up about 'when you realised you had a toxic upbringing' etc etc and I honestly think this age is peak egocentric and blame every single flaw and reason for not having a perfect influencer style lifestyle on their parents (always just the mother actually). I think they usually grow out of it by age 25 🤞

You sound self centred. My children wouldn't act like that. It's probably not what you want to hear but yes, you do sound toxic.

Its social media bollocks. I mean people are imperfect and difficult, nobody is a perfect parent. My own mother can be a real piece of work and things have been difficult between us in the past but she's my mum, I love her and she always looked after me, did she fuck me up, of course she did but she's also the reason for a lot of the good things I have in my life today.

I think there is a phase kids go though when they begin to see things that might have been not great or not suited to them in their upbringing and they do blame a bit and can lash out but then they move past that and realise that you are only human and were doing your best for them. As a parent its your job to hold on, even if lightly to the end of the rope while they work this stuff out and grow up a bit. If she has only just moved out her identity will be changing from who she was within the context of her childhood home to her new independent self and that's hard for her as well. Try and let it wash over you if you can.

After some thought, if I was you what I'd do is arrange a chat, and say that you want to discuss the whole argument. Calmly.

Calling someone toxic isn't usually something that we throw around on a whim, and I'd ask your daughter to be completely truthful about why this term jumped to mind. I'd say I was willing to listen and right some wrongs, and you can only do that if you know how she truly feels.

She could be saying "she didn't mean it" because it's far easier to keep the peace than open a can of worms.

I'd want to know more.

It all sounded quite petty to me up until the point you stated what triggered the situation in the first place. ‘Jokingly’ asking her if her boyfriend is married is really insulting. You’ve put her down with this comment by suggesting she would date a married man and also might have sown some seeds in her mind about her boyfriend. To then call her a birch because of her natural reaction to you saying this IS actually toxic. Everything you did is toxic in this scenario. All she has done is react to you poking at her.

Bitch not birch 😂

The point people are making @Madamqueenofeverything is that it’s normal for parents to tell their rude obnoxious teenagers that they’re behaving like bitches.
So the question for you is that is this comment and interaction suggestive of some level of toxicity?
Also could your daughter be massively struggling right now with the grief and feelings associated with being raised by a chronically ill parent

You say she lost it over ‘nothing’
but it was obviously something to her, just because you don’t think it was important doesn’t mean you can dismiss it.

you then asked her a negative and judgemental question about her bf, which also threw back in her face the things she had shared with you about her life and friends. It also suggests what you think of her as a person. Joke or not, I can see why she didn’t appreciate it and it’s incredibly poorly judged if things are already tense.

the next day ‘she started going off on one again’
is your daughter deeply unhinged? Did you say good morning and she started screaming? Or is it possible you’re minimising the events that led to this again?
Then your response was a threat, rather than conflict resolution
then you immediately called her a bitch.

i don’t know if you’re toxic or not, but you’re certainly not great at communicating, and if you’ve taught your daughter the same sort of strategies, such as immediately losing it and calling someone a bitch, it’s not really a surprise you’re struggling to communicate together now.
I think you need to have a conversation with her, clear the air, and both work on your communication and respect for each other because it doesn’t sound like either of you have much

I agree. The snippy defensive one-line pass agg responses. Ugh.

Can you tell us why Madamqueenofeverything is your username? Does this reflect how you behave?

Have your children had their childhoods dominated by your illness?

I know as a CFS/Fibromyalgia sufferer myself that is a painful question to ask and answer because we naturally want to say "no of course not"

But have they ever missed out on something/ your moods because of pain been swinging/ have they had to do more for you than kids their age?

Maybe those are questions you need to talk about with them both. She may be calling you toxic because she doesnt actually want to bring up your illness as a reason for her feelings, because you cant help being ill and it seems awful to blame someone for being ill. So she is using the "you are toxic" line instead.

My mum is extremely toxic and not good for me. If I told her that she would completely deny it and not see anything from my viewpoint.

She prob thinks we had a good relationship before I met DH and that's prob why she hates him but we didn't. It was a good relationship to her as I did what she wanted and didn't stand up to her or call her out when she was being unreasonable.

We obviously don't know both views, but if your daughter is 19 and has been living abroad for a year already your relationship may not be as good as you think it is.